My Startling Realization of 2004
Something I've come to realize in the past 2 weeks is that eating right, and losing weight doesn't have to be hard.
Gasp
For such a long time I've faced it like it was a challenge akin to climbing Mt. Everest. Now recently I've been really lax, extremely lax over Christmas, but I found that the changes I've made in the last 3 years do not fly out the window when I am faced with days of non-scheduled eating.
I can actually trust myself when it comes to food.
I know that sounds silly, but for so long I've looked at food as the enemy. I've told myself that I cannot be trusted around food because I just couldn't make good choices when things weren't rigidly planned out. When you don't trust yourself, it is like having an excuse to pig out whenever the opportunity arises.
The experience over the last 2 weeks has shown me that I have morphed into a much stronger person than I give myself credit for. Being around mounds of food does not mean that I will inevitably eat it all and gain heaps of weight. I can eat small servings and without freaking out about what the scale will say.
There is so much freedom in realizing that I can make good choices even when they are limited, and that when I'm eating things that aren't that good for me, I am strong enough to stop at a reasonable portion size.
As I said before, this may be normal for a lot of you, but for me this is a breakthrough of immense proportions.
I am feeling relief in a way that I never thought I could. For once I'm not going into the New Year with a sense of impending doom, desperate to take on any diet to make myself feel better. I'm not making a New Year's Resolution; I'm continuing down a path to good health.
I know that investing in myself for the long run, and putting in hard work will help me feel better, live longer, and although I wont say it is going to be without its challenges, because that would be just crazy; I know this year will be different, because I am different.
I feel like a new person, and for that I am very grateful.
And now as if that wasn't enough, I've found that I am listed as a finalist for the
BoB awards, and along side some of my daily reads like
Denise, who I've come to adore, and
The Skinny Daily where I always find sound advice.
If you vote for anyone, please vote for
Denise, I will be.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
3:48 PM
Just two more days to go...
and then we can bid 2004 farewell. I've already got the entry in mind. But I'll save that one for later.
Today I should have walked when I woke up, but I didn't. I still could, but I woke up and discovered that I did know what all those cramps were going on about in my tummy last night. Ick.
We slept in our own bed, and it was good. I like our bed. It sleeps nice.
My New Years Eve plans this year are to get dressed up, go to a girlfriends house that is near the beach and we will have a BBQ and drink some lovely cocktails that I learned how to make in my huge cocktail book I got
last Christmas. I will eat my last dinner of 2004 without a care in the world for the amount of fat or points that it contains. I will drink as much as I want, and hopefully a lot of water as well to prevent the morning headache, or at least make it more tolerable.
We will walk over to the pier and go in a club and boogie till our hearts content, we will watch fireworks, and I will then go join my husband at his friend's house where I will probably fall asleep watching dvds. That is the plan.
I will ring in this new year and I am ready for it. I say bring it on.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:11 AM
Weigh-in Post Christmas
I weighed myself at home this morning and have gained 1 kilo over Christmas. Not bad. I actually felt relieved. I knew it wasn't that much because I didn't really feel bloated. I never ate until I felt so full that I couldn't breathe/move, and although I had my fair share of snacks and treats, overall I did ok.
Our toilet has been broken for this entire week and we've been staying at my mum-in-laws. Today the owner is sending his father to fix it. It did this last year and they sent the same guy. All I'm saying is maybe they should get a real plumber involved?? Could be why we keep having problems.
When I went for a walk yesterday I saw a baby bird flapping near the ground and stopped to have a look. One of it's claws was caught in the bottom of a chain fence and he couldn't free himself. I freed it's foot and it hopped onto both feet on the ground and just stared up at me.
I wanted to see it fly away but it didn't move. There were other birds in the area chirping and talking loudly. I didn't want to leave it, but I know it was the only thing I could do. I believe you have to limit the amount you touch a bird because of the smell you leave behind.
The idea that the little bird may not live really affected me. I had tears in my eyes. I don't know how he got himself caught at the bottom of a fence. Poor little guy. I hope he survived it, maybe he was only scared to fly away or had been flapping there for so long he didn't have the strength. I hope his bird friends came to help him.
I have to go to work today and I'm dreading it. I've had a lot of pain this week in my shoulders and chest. I wish I had an appointment with the surgeon sooner than the 18th, but I have to take it extra easy today. I'm thinking of wearing my soft collar brace again, just at work. A lot of it could also be the bed I've been sleeping on because it is softer than ours, and just the overall strain of my body to hold up my mending neck.
And finally on the weightloss front I've decided that once New Years is out of the way I'm going to go two weeks without carbs or alcohol to jumpstart my new year. I'll still count the points for weight watcher purposes, but I've got some menu ideas from a magazine that adapted the South Beach diet. I don't plan on cutting carbs out permanetly, but two weeks can't hurt me and could be really good to help get over the holiday gains.
I want to be on track to reach my goal of 63 kilos by the end of March.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:52 AM
And that's the end of that chapter
So Christmas is over, and I have to say I'm thankful for that. It was pretty stressful this time because it was our first without mr. ralph's father.
We went out to eat for Christmas lunch and there was so much to choose from that I ate small servings of everything I thought looked yummy. I came home feeling full, but not, "Oh god I have to puke full". This they say, it is a good thing.
But overall have I been a good girl with the eating? No. Absolutely not. I am hoping to get myself back on track today, but because we are staying at the mum-in-law's I am thinking this is going to require much more willpower than I possibly possess. I am literally surrounded by a chocolate factory.
She received every kind of chocolate or candy gift you can imagine. Working as the head of an after school care can have its perks, that is if you want to gain 10 kilos at Christmas.
She also has some of my very favorite chocolates in the world. Lindt, which is Swiss, and heaven in a tinfoil wrapper.
I am not sure if I've gained, although lets face it there is no way that I haven't. I weighed myself yesterday but it was in the middle of the day and I am a strict morning weigher because I've noticed that throughout the course of a day a person can gain up to 3 kilos. I think I have at least put on one or possibly two. And I have to say I'm not happy about that. But I also don't feel incredibly guilty for enjoying my holiday food either. It is a toss up. The fact that I planned to let myself off the hook makes me feel better about it. Now I just need to know when to say when.
So today I am back on track. I said that yesterday but then ate some chocolate and then we had dinner out, it was cheesy pasta. Yikes. So today. Yes, TODAY.
I have to put my foot down and just do it. I don't like chocolate that much anyway, and I want the new tops and skirt I bought to fit me rather than going back and dragging out the too big pile. They're way too big anyway.
I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas. I've missed reading all of you. I'm going over now to see what I've missed.
Wish me luck with the willpower thing. I'm going to need it.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:11 AM
Shopping!!
I am going shopping today for those last minute presents because well, we just couldn't afford them until today.
But I will also (hopefully) find something nice for me to wear during these festive times as we will be going out for Christmas Eve as well as New Years Eve.
Let me tell you, losing weight is very expensive. Yesterday I put on my brand new Ralph Lauren jeans that I bought only 2 months ago while we were in America and guess what?? They are now the ever dreaded crotch hangers.
Sigh.
I can't believe how fast my wardrobe is dwindling. I think I had better try to get these clothes taken on consignment somewhere. What a headache. It was fun once, getting rid of big clothes... until now. Now I have nothing to wear.
Oh, and someone at work yesterday called me skinny! We know it is not true, not
yet, but what a great feeling!
Wish me luck with the shopping, and don't forget to nominate your favorite blogs over at
BoB - Best of Blogs Awards.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:51 AM
Oh Gawd the pain...
My wonderful husband massaged my very very tight shoulders last night and this morning they feel even more tight; one would think that is not humanly possible.
It has to be the work. Eh. I can't call in, it is my last day before Christmas, and what am I being a fricking baby for? I only work 4 hours at a time for 3 days a week. Stupid, fecking neck. I'm telling you, I'm not even in the mood.
So because I was rather uncomfortable from all the neck and shoulder pain last night all I really wanted to do was cuddle up in my lounge clothes on the couch. So as I got up and announced to mr. ralph, "I'm going to change clothes." He calls to me as I'm grabbing the silky pajama bottoms, "Babe you want to go for a walk?" I answer, "Uh, ok!" and grabbed the yoga pants instead.
I was glad he offered because I was not going to exercise at all yesterday otherwise. Isn't he golden? And then afterwards he massaged me like I said earlier, and rubbed this stuff called deep heat into my shoulders.
And out of curiosity only I hopped on the scale this morning and low and behold, I lost weight. Not much, and I may not maintain that lost through the end of the week, but I have to say I was surprised. What with all the copious amounts of alcohol I consumed Saturday and everything.
I got a reply from
Weight Watchers regarding the holiday closures of my meetings and I was told that I can't be charged for missing meetings if they are forced to close them due to holidays. So there you have it. I won't be going.
Did I mention I got sick on Saturday night. Apparently I vomited in the loo while my friends were getting jiggy with it. Sabs said, "Oh but you were so elegant and quiet." How can one be elegant while they're tossing their cookies? You've got to let me know this.
I'm soooo looking forward to going shopping tomorrow. Even while there is all the increased Christmas traffic, I am a shopaholic. And I'm glad I'm going by myself because I am going to sneak in a few things for myself, like a top to wear out on Christmas Eve, and maybe a new pair of thongs.
I want to get something for mr. ralph that he will totally adore but won't be expecting. The first thing I got him doesn't do the trick so I have to be a smart shopper. If ya got clever ideas email me [no comments on that topic, he reads em].
The silly cat who has similar antics to
Denise's cat woke me up again this morning at 7am. Luckily I went to bed at 11:30pm, but still.... And what is the little bugger doing already? Resting his pretty little eyes.
I'm thinking of ruining his nap. I'm evil.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:42 AM
Meh
My cat won't let me sleep. Since I don't have to be at work until 3pm, I thought I could get sleep in a little. Nope. Since mr. ralph had to be up, buckley made me get up too. He is so wild in the morning, running around and jumping on me as he heads for the nightstand. HE MUST BE STOPPED.
I think the milk I put in my coffee was going off and I drank it anyway. That is the kind of mood I'm in, lazy.
I gave out my Christmas presents to workmates and everyone was so excited about getting them. It made all the work worthwhile.
In the end I made so much stuff. I made the pretzel chocolate treats, some christmas shaped sugar cookies, chocolate spoons, swiss mocha, and cafe vienna coffee mixes. I didn't give everyone the same thing. Next year I think I will stick to one thing and make life easier on myself.
There really is nothing like getting homemade goodies; makes people feel special.
The green necklace was given to my friend on the weekend and she loved it.
This week is going to be a struggle because for some reason I just want Christmas to get here and be gone already. Normally I love this time of year, but it is a lot harder now that mr. ralph's Dad is not with us.
There is also the one brother that I don't like, and being without my family. I wish time travel really did exist and I could just beam myself over there for a day to spend Christmas with them, and make it back just in time to have it here as well.
The ever burning in my head is: "Will I be thin in 2005?"
As I said earlier I'm still feeling apathetic about the weight loss. I only have 8.5 kilos left to lose and I am sooooo tired of it. I really want to reach goal before my anniversary which is a mere 3 months away. I know I can do it, but I honestly do not know how to get back the zest I had for it in the past.
Maybe I'm experiencing a temporary lapse and it will pass soon. I really don't want to get stuck in a rut now. 2005 is going to be my year! It has to.
Postscript:
I just wanted to add that after reading
Juju's post I felt so much better and realise that my current apathy is probably just because I want a little holiday from worrying about food and how many points I'm consuming, and whether or not I've exercised enough. Thanks so much for all of your wonderful insights. If you haven't been reading The
Skinny Daily, I highly recommend it!
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:30 AM
Unmotivated
So yes, let me see. What do I write about today?
The cat is fine. The vet said he is overweight though. Should we be surprised? It is all mr. ralph's fault. He was overfeeding him. He is at least 2 kilos over his normal weight. I have a whopping 6.7 kilogram beast sitting next to me on the couch right this very minute. And I love him.
But what about me you ask?
I am so unmotivated. I did go for a walk this morning, begrudgingly. I didn't bother to count points on Saturday after I drank like a fish. Yesterday was about the same although I miraculously calculated I probably ate within my limit. It is not really that I want to overeat, but I am sick of caring.
Tis the season to be drinking and be merry and I just want to do it without worrying about an extra kilo here or there.
Of course I don't want to gain the weight either, so what is a girl to do?
My regular
Weight Watchers meetings are closed because of the 2 Saturday holidays right in a row and I don't want to go the other times. It is so inconvenient. That is the whole reason I choose Saturday. I'm thinking of blowing them off until after the new year is rung in, but will the act of not attending the meetings make me think I don't have to worry about the kilojule intake? Probably. I'm still going to weigh myself at home. Hopefully I will be strong enough to at least maintain my weight.
I really need some motivation to get me through the new year.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:54 AM
weigh-in Dec 18
I intended to post the weigh-in yesterday, but it just wasn't possible. So I know the date in my title is wrong. Sorry folks. But, I lost 200 grams. I think it was just dehydration. I now weigh 71.5.
I went out with a friend of mine last night and had way too much to drink and am now paying the price. Good news is it a nice cool day outside and I have a lovely hubby who is making me some eggs and toast.
I may feel human later today, but I doubt it.
But now I have to talk about Friday night. There is this friend of mr ralph's that I've come to loathe. I mean that in the most sincere way possible. We are like oil and water me and this guy. The last incident was had at a mr ralph's younger brother's 21st in which we had a very drunken conversation as to why he doesn't like me and his response was simply that I am not good enough for the mr ralph.
Yeah. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
You can expect that this piece of information was the straw that broke the camels back.
He has effectively been black balled. We haven't seen him very much since that night because he is scared of me, but when we have seen him I usually just ignore him because he is a worthless piece of shite.
But friday was weird. I think he is so in love (not the romantic kind) with mr. ralph that he feels the need to play nice so he can have his sandbox buddy back.
The thing is I have never kept mr. ralph from socialising with this guy. He only
thinks it is my fault that mr. ralph doesn't like going out with him and would rather be at home. Why does the wife always get blamed??
Even though my hate for him knows no bounds and I quite often refer to him in a negative way, I still often ask about him and tell mr. ralph he should call the guy and go see him. It is true. I want him to feel he can have any friends he wants. Even this guy, because I would never want to interfere with his personal relationships.
I don't want to be that woman.
This guy must have been the drunkest person in the city. When he saw me he came up to me and went straight into my personal space saying, "heelllllo friend of mineeeeeeeeeeee." and hugged me. This from a guy that always requires to be at least 3 feet away from me at all times.
Then through the course of about an hour he gave me more compliments than I've recieved in a month's time. When you tell a woman that she is looking trim, and good, that she is a peach (whilst messily kissing her cheek), and that you love what she's doing with her hair, even while you are so pissed you are spilling beer on her feet, you want something. You want back in the good graces. It was so obvious. I mean shit, I know I look pretty damn good, but last night I hardly tried.
So the question is, do I let him in? And the answer my kiddies is no. This guy has done this so many times with me it isn't funny. He pisses me off one week by saying ridiculous insensitive comments, and then a few weeks later tries to be all nice and sweet. I've fallen for it too many times. I like compliments. Every girl does, but the gall of him to think that he can buy his way back into the good graces with a few sweet words is even more reprehensible.
Women actually eat this guy up, they lap at his feet begging for his attention. It makes me feel ashamed of being a woman sometimes.
I feel bad for mr. ralph because he really wants us to be friends. But, I don't think it will ever come to pass. And it isn't from my own lack of trying. I gave it a go, hell I gave it a few years and the guy just cannot get his act together. If I try to do the forgive and forget thing, he will no doubt do something again to make me want to strangle him.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:34 AM
Don't think I'm a bad cat mom
I think I may have permanently damaged my cat. It wasn't my fault, really it wasn't. I can't help it he drank from the bath where I had the soapy water soaking the mat.
Why must he drink from the tub? Anyway now it has been a few days since he did this, and he still isn't eating a lot. He is active and doesn't appear sick, except for his half-assed eating and his runny poo. Yes, I said runny poo.
I probably should have taken him to the vet, but I'm afraid the vet will take him from me since only a few months ago we had him there for a similar problem, but that time we do not know what he ingested, and he was very very sick. I fear she will think I am a bad cat momma. Plus the vet is damn expensive and he does look ok.
God I don't know. How long is diarrhea a bad thing in cats?
It is going to be boiling hot here today so I am going to go to the pool and cool off whilst getting tan. I know that tanning is so bad for the skin and all, but I love the sun.
I promise to wear sunscreen.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:51 AM
Customer service reps are people too
What a hellish day.
Well, the beginning was actually good, don't let my bad attitude fool you. Although I didn't sleep well last night, and didn't get to exercise before leaving the house, I rather enjoyed the morning.
I went to see
Christmas With The Kranks and found it funny and all oooshy gooshy. Makes me miss having Christmas proper where it is cold and such though.
After that I did a little Christmas shopping and visited my friend who
did work with me but now works in a shoe store because she was finally fed up with the crap that goes on.
The first thing she said when she saw me was, "Oh my you're looking skinny skinny." What a compliment! I was bowled over with joy for hours, as you can imagine.
We chatted for a few minutes and set a date to go out together on Saturday night. I saw an unbelievably gorgeous pair of suede cowboy style boots that I want, and the killer is they actually fit my legs.
It is not really the season, but they're new stock and gorgeous... But have a hefty price tag of $200AUD. A little too much, even for a Chrissy present. Sigh. I may end up putting them on layby and paying them off slowly. I still owe around $35 on my New Years Eve shoes. I am a shoe addict, and it doesn't help having a good friend working at a shoe store. Every time I drop in on her I see something else that I want.
After that I was off to buy the gift certificate in Borders and ran into a mate of ours who we haven't seen in a while. I've been worried about him because sometime ago his fiance split with him and now the news is they're back on and he is moving to Melbourne. We had a coffee together and a good chat. Although he has had his moments where I've thought he was a total wanker, he is the one friend of my hubby's that I've always had a bit of a soft spot for. He made me feel the most welcomed when I moved here and for that he deserves a gold star.
I can't believe he is moving, and just after Christmas too! We are going to need to catch up with him to send him off. And, I guess we will also have to go visit him sometime in Melbourne, and maybe catch a Collingwood Footy game to boot!
The bad bit came at work. I think I had one of my all time worst calls today. It was awful. I was shaking. After all was said and done the guy had a reason to be upset because without divulging too much info, someone over here screwed up and this thing fell through a large crack. What I don't understand is how people can get themselves so worked up that they get on a high-horse and proceed to tell me how I'm a f--ckwit and completely responsible for the whole mess.
Little did he know that yes, maybe I made a few mistakes in searching for his client's full name, and yes I did enter the wrong thing when looking for a paticular document, BUT I have been on medical leave for 3 months and am only on my 3rd day back. Cut a girl some slack.
But of course, there will always be people who think that they can get things done by acting like an A--wipe. Frankly if the guy had been a bit nicer, things would have gone smoother, and maybe I wouldn't have made so many mistakes.
Of course I didn't make the biggest mistake of all, which was why he was upset to begin with, but I didn't deserve to cop the blame for the whole friggin thing.
Advice to those that call people in the customer service industry: Treat people on the phone the way you would like to be treated. Seriously, we are just people doing our jobs, and when we tell you things we can and cannot do, we aren't just blowing smoke out our bums. We have regulations and rules behind everything we say.
Make someone's day, smile when you are on the phone. Take deep breaths and remember we are not out to get you.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:05 PM
So this is Wednesday
"The only things that can stop you doing what you want to do in this life, are your own perceptions of what you can and can not do. " Ed Hades
I was at a real loss for an explanation for the way I overate on Sunday until I read the comment on Monday morning's entry from Denise. She is 100% correct!
I had so much anxiety about going back to work that I overate without even realising that was the reason I was doing it. When I read her comment it was so obvious.
I have to keep reminding myself that I am only human and that I shouldn't beat myself up over every little slip up.
The second day back to work wasn't so bad. I woke up with a lot of soreness in my neck and chest, but I took some pain medicine and the anti-inflammatory drugs for the pain in the clavicle joint of my chest and it seemed to do the trick. I only needed one dosage, which is good.
I think I just have to remember that my body will take a while to be back to normal and any activity I add will cause some discomfort.
I walked yesterday even though I had pain in my chest and it wasn't bad. I didn't find that walking irritated it much at all. I told myself that just because I am working again (albeit part-time) I cannot make excuses for not exercising.
I still need to get in at least one 30 minutes session, whether it is walking or using the dodgy exercise bike that I think is circa 1950 and has an unadjustable seat-height. But hey, it was free and even though it is so loud it probably annoys the neighbors it still works and gives my legs a good workout when I make the tension hard. It can be really boring to just sit on a bike in our place so I listen to cd's and every 2 minutes change the tension from easy to hard and back again. Plus if all I ever do is walk I know my body will stop burning kilojoules because of not mixing it up.
I made a new necklace for my mom last night and am pleased with the way it came out. I'm thinking about advertising at work to sell them once I get a few different styles under my belt and feel more confident in the work I do. I brought the green one and the new one in to work with me and everyone that saw them drooled over them, and even had a few people tell me I should sell them. That was a confidence booster, and I really enjoy being creative.
The next one I make will have to be one for myself, and I need to learn how to make earrings too so that if I ever sell them I can have sets for people to buy.
I wish I had learned how to do this sooner because it really would have been a great way to spend time during all that time I've had off work.
I can't believe how incredibly close Christmas is. I put together a rather fabulous gift (if I say so myself) for a girl on my team at work that I hardly know because we drew names.
I turned a cheap basket from the salvos into a wonderful relax-i-basket, contents: one body loofah, one homemade jar strawberry bath salts, one book about the benefits of green tea (I already had it but it is brand new), 2 different kinds of green tea, 3 candles in colorful glass pots, 2 different small packs of chocolates, and some star ornaments. I wrapped it in cellophane and put lots of pretty ribbons that I had saved up from all my wedding gifts. It is a present everyone will envy!
I hardly know most of the people on my team. I really miss my friend that left and I don't really feel welcomed much by most of my team. I realise that I could be more outgoing but a lot of them just don't seem interested in being friendly towards me.
But I will not leave this post on a negative note because I must say I am truly lucky and grateful to have met the beautiful friends I have made here. I know that I am blessed.
I don't know. Sometimes it is so frustrating being here, away from my family and everything that I know. Culture plays a huge role in the way people interact and I've noticed it a lot since living here.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:56 AM
I survived
Frustrated does not even begin to describe how I felt today.
When I arrived at work my security pass didn't work and my team leader had to be called. Apparantly they forgot to extend my access once I resigned my contract. Probably was just an oversight since I was away at the time. You would think that should have prepared me for the next bit, but it didn't.
I surprised myself when logging on to my computer by remembering the old passwords. When your password expires it just prompts you to change it when you log on and after I did that I started getting a log-on error. I had to call help desk twice before they figured out that my host password had expired and had never been extended (same problem as with the security pass, but not as easy to fix).
I had to have my team leader send a request for the host logon to be extended, which could take a few days. This means that for a while I don't have access to host applications, which rules out half of my job. Then I tried to log on to my email and was getting a completely different error that then had to be logged with help desk because without email I can't do the other half of my job!
The help desk people, bless their little hearts, aren't the fastest people in the world so I knew this would be bad bad bad. And it was was was.
I had to sit there and read all the crap that had accumulated in my folder whilst away (12 weeks!). Most of it was boring crap and I was beginning to feel that I had wasted my time coming in since I couldn't even work!
Eventually my team leader got someone at helpdesk to fix the email situation and I am up and running with half of my required duties. I feel okay, a bit tired and a bit wasted emotionally. Coming back today was hard since a lot of the people I like are gone. The two team leaders in the area I started in haven't even said hello, although they know I am here. I even got dirty looks from one of them as I was saying hello to one of my co-workers. She is a real winner that one, I'd rather bleed from my eyes than have to speak to her for any reason.
I did however get a paticularly lovely comment from one of my co-workers. She said that she could tell I've lost more weight since she last saw me. That made me feel good inside. It is always good when people notice. I've done really well with eating today, as I knew I would since I don't really have time to eat. I have been stressed though, which isn't good since I've read things lately that say that stress actually can prevent you from burning kilojules. I knew it made you eat more, but jeez!
I've missed everyone over the weekend. Seems no one (hardly) in my blogroll has been updating their blogs and I really enjoy reading everyone else's posts. If you're out there and reading this, know I MISS YOU.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:17 PM
Disgusting
I feel awful. Yesterday I ate too much, Too much for lunch, and too much at the party.
I don't know why I did it. At one point I already felt full (which is a rarity for me on a normal eating day) and still had a slice of the cheesecake. Although it was a tiny slice, I know I shouldn't have. I don't even know around how many points I over did it by.
I am afraid of going back to work today. I literally had bad dreams about it.
I have to get moving and do some exercise before getting myself together for the day. I don't even want to eat today I feel so awful.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:27 AM
Pictures
I've decided to use
Flickr to share some of my pictures with all of you. Currently I have some from our Wedding Day, and just some random ones of me over the last year.
Last night I made the chocolate treats and although I ate a few, I think I did very well in not eating lots of them. I can't say the same for my hubby, but I'm not counting his points. I leave that to him.
This morning I went for a walk and got slightly damp in a bit of rain. I rented a palates dvd to try out and after less than 10 minutes was so bored I had to stop. Maybe I didn't give it a fair chance, but it was very boring and all the breathing techniques seem complicated.
We're going to the Christmas BBQ tonight for mr ralph's co-workers and I'm hoping to not eat too much. I know there will be lots of goodies there, and I'm a bit afraid I won't have the willpower.
These are the first necklaces I've made for gifts:
Hope you enjoy the photos, and have a great Sunday.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:50 AM
Weigh-in Dec 11
Wow. I weigh-in at 71.7 kilos (157.7 lbs), that is a 1.3 kilo loss (2.8 lbs). Unbelievable. I know I worked hard this week with exercise, but this has to be part of last week's loss because I know I had to have a lot of water-weight last Saturday.
I've had a busy day today. I finished making the 2 necklaces for my friends. I think I will take some photos of them later and load them for everyone to see. I'm quite proud of the work I did since I just learned the technique required for this type of necklace yesterday.
I also made a roll of homemade wrapping paper with sponges and paint. This was not as easy as I thought it would be and my cat made a mess. I had to throw him in the bath and wash blue paint off of his beautiful white fur. He was pretty good and only tried to escape once. He mostly just stood in the water for me.
Tonight I am endeavoring to make these pretzel treats I found from
taylor, but I have to alter it a bit since we don't have hershey's kisses in Australia unless you go to specialty shops and I don't have the time to hunt them down. I will probably use
nestle melts in white and dark chocolate and miniature pretzels. I will be giving them to mr. ralph's co-workers tomorrow at their Christmas BBQ, and if they come out ok I'll make them again in about a weeks time to give out at my work.
Being crafty is a lot of work, and I still need to make the coffee mixes, and bath salts. Going back to work this week is going to totally kick me in the bum. I should have started all these projects last week. Oh well, it is work but it is also rewarding in the end to see someone happy to get something you made them.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
3:51 PM
Liberating
Yesterday I went through my closet with the intention of removing clothes that I no longer wear because they do not fit me anymore. This was harder than it sounds because the old me always hung on to her big clothes for fear that she would need them again.
But this time is different. Each step of the way I have parted with the big clothes, lots of them still hold special places in my memories. I wore a size (US-18/20) in the beginning, and had some rather beautiful clothes.
The physical act of getting rid of the clothes is making impact on me mentally. I am not giving myself an out. There will be nothing to wear if I gain weight. I don't even think I saved any of the before clothing except a pair of track pants that in winter I still throw on to sit around on the couch in.
I won't give myself permission to not succeed. That is not an option.
Soon I will be my healthy weight and won't have to get rid of clothes except for wear and tear.
In the end, I have a stack of 8 pairs of pants/slacks, 2 dresses, and one suit jacket (I'm sure there will be more come winter, but I already put them away), I can't even remember the last time I wore some of these.
There were a few items that I couldn't give up because they're skirts and easy to throw a belt around or wear sitting on the hip, I've told myself they'll go next time -- because there will be a next time. Almost all of the clothes I got rid of were US-14 (AUS-16) or US-12 (AUS-14). Some (mostly skirts) size US-10 (AUS-12) clothes already fit me and that is just amazing.
My closet is looking a bit bare now. I don't think I should buy new clothes for a while due to the fact that I still have 10 kilos to go and am inbetween sizes at the moment BUT it felt so liberating.
I went through and put each thing on and looked in the mirror really savoring the moment and let myself feel happy that I've achieved so much. I touched my stomach and thighs where things had once clinged and now were hanging so loosely. I remembered what it felt like when some of them were once too tight, and how some of them when worn for the first time made me feel.
I also have a pair of used jeans I bought at the Goodwill just before we went to America on vacation in hopes that I would fit into them in time for the holiday. Sadly that didn't happen.
For curiosity sake I took them out and was able to put them on, but they are skin tight. In my calculations, I should be able to wear them without embarrassment after losing 2-3 kilos more.
I will get there. I feel confident that I will. And although the journey will never be over, the ride doesn't always have to be a chore. It is okay to enjoy days like these when victory is so near and there is so much to be proud of.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
4:02 PM
Fat has a purpose
"Fat becomes your protection from anything you need protection from: men, women, sexuality (blossoming or developed), frightening feelings of any sort; it becomes your rebellion, your way of telling your parents, your lovers, the society around you, that you don't have to be who they want you to be. Fat becomes your way of talking. It says: I need help, go away, come closer, I can't, I won't, I'm angry, I'm sad. It becomes your vehicle for dealing with every problem you have.
If you take away the fat without uncovering the needs it is expressing, you are left without a way to say what you do or don't want to, or don't know how to, or feel you can't directly. Fat speaks for you." Feeding the Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth
I was re-reading this book again this week for like the hundreth time because of the feelings I had on the weekend and the above statement is so true for me.
Food, and fat serves/has served a purpose in my life. It has been my way of expressing all of my hurts. I know why I've never been able to maintain a healthy weight in the past is because I eventually turn back to food for solace. I don't want this time to be the same. I know now
is different because I have already acknowledged that overeating was a way of surviving. It was my way of really caring for myself the only way I knew how.
I have new ways of doing that. I have a wonderful husband that although cannot completely identify (be) me, he does listen and help when I need it.
I have to remind myself that the reason I overeat is intangible--a need unexpressed, a desire unfulfilled, feelings unspoken--and that no tangible substance (cheeseburgers and fries) is going to be able to meet it satisfactorily. After I plump up on whatever food I choose, the need will still be there, the feelings will still be unspoken, the pain will not go away. Like trying to fit a triangle into a circle shape, there will be empty spaces. When using food as a substitute, there will always be a hunger that I can't define.
Awareness requires a different kind of strength than dieting alone does. There are no rules to follow. Awareness says I have to go through an experience, rather than fill myself with food to push it away. If I am sad, I need to let myself be sad. I need to go to the bottom of the unhappiness, rather than push it away. It means that I have to become friends with my pain.
I can acknowledge that sometimes I will still use food to knock out the pain. I will notice when it is effective or not and how long the pain goes away for. In learning that food is not relieving my suffering, but in fact creating more, I can choose a more satisfying way to cope. My options need to be ways to nurture myself while giving the sadness a chance to wash away on its own.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:36 AM
A chill in the air
The weather here is unbelievable. Sooo HOT last week and today a chill is in the air, almost feels like fall in the US and it is Summer.
I can't believe how close Christmas is.
I'm feeling a little better today. I'm still dealing with the swirling emotions and actually have begun thinking again that it may not be a bad idea to find out if there is an inexpensive way for me to start therapy here in Australia. It has been a while since I was in therapy and it could be very good.
I've got control over my eating. Yesterday I did very well, and have discovered I absolutely love
Nestle's diet choc delights, and they are sponsored by Weight Watchers and have the points on the package. Each is only 1 point.
I went for 2 walks yesterday for a total of 50 minutes. I also walked 30 minutes first thing this morning. I'm finding it difficult to find ways to walk in my neighborhood without walking on the main streets for more than 30 minutes at a time. I guess I should be happy with the 30 minute walk, but something tells me I am not burning nearly enough kilojoules anymore since I've been doing this for a few weeks now.
I cannot tell you how disappointed I am that the physio told me she wouldn't recommend me doing the aqua-robics just yet. I loved it. Oh well, being pain-free, and watching out for my well-being is what is best. I keep reminding myself that I won't be like this forever. The doctor did tell me that I could do light weight training and I am asking for some weight for Christmas. I also think I could get away with doing palates or yoga at home so I can be sure that I don't do any positions that would hurt. I don't know what is stopping me from doing squats and lunges except my own laziness.
I start back to work on Monday and I am looking forward to it soooo much, but also am a little afraid. What if I don't remember everything?? What if it hurts? But I will be so thankful for something else to do. All this time on my hands makes it to easy for me to dwell. It is not conducive to positive thinking.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:16 AM
Is it raining where you are?
I didn't think I was going to make it through yesterday. I know it sounds crazy, and part of me realises I should be able to take control over my emotions better than this, but I couldn't.
I argued with mr ralph about why he didn't want to come to bed with me. He claims he said he'd be a few minutes and then when he came to bed I was passed out. Of course I was! But anyway I know that wasn't the real reason I was angry.
I still don't know what motivated this awfulness other than pms, and granted I get really bad mood swings sometimes, this one took the cake.
I even ate fast food yesterday knowing full well it will negatively affect my weightloss efforts for the week, and knowing I was doing it for
comfort. Somewhere I read that knowing you are eating for comfort is half the battle! It didn't make me feel better
knowing I enlisted food to help me deal with my bad day.
All I really wanted to do was be alone, but Sunday is family dinner day and I had to go. My mum in law has a spa bathtub so we always take baths on Sundays to enjoy it. I took an extra long time taking deep breaths and closing my eyes. It wasn't enough.
She knew something was wrong with me and kept asking. She takes it personally whenever anyone is in a bad mood. I just did not feel like pretending to be happy. Because she kept bugging me I told her that I have my period and I still don't think she got it. I just wanted to be left alone to brood if I wanted to.
I was going to go for a walk just now but it started raining. The wind is pretty bad and it looks like the rain will come and go today. I really need to walk not only for exercise, but for sanity. I need to be able to think through this ugliness sitting on me. I don't need to have a setback.
I hope everyone else had better weekends.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:42 AM
Emotional Hiccup
I gave in to my other evil indulgence last night. I let myself have an alcohol binge. I'm thankful that I didn't get sick, but I'm paying the price now with this tremendous headache.
Yesterday was just one of those really bad emotional days. I knew in the back of my mind that the real reason my emotions were playing with me was due to the coming of my monthly penance for being a woman, yet it doesn't matter because it feels like the end of the world, no matter what the reason.
First I got myself worked up over our finances. We're not in the poor house, but we seem to be living paycheck to paycheck now and just in time for Christmas. I wanted to go shopping and get some of our gift buying out of the way but we couldn't, and it depressed me. Then, mr. ralph and I were discussing how the present exchange this year is going to be hard no matter how it is done because it is the first Christmas his Dad won't be here. Mr ralph had tears in his voice and then I just started to cry. I think I cried for about 30 to 45 minutes. I didn't feel any better after doing it either.
Later we went to the pool and mr. ralph came with me because he said he wanted to cheer me up. He didn't swim, he doesn't like to show his body. He claims he doesn't like to swim, but I know that's not the reason. But he stayed in the shade and worked on his thesis, but at least he was there with me.
I had been invited out for drinks with a friend and I should have been less indulgent, but I knew I wouldn't be when given the opportunity to drink. When I came home mr ralph was working on his thesis still and I asked him to come to bed with me, when he said "not now" I took it personally and went to bed angry at him. I woke up still angry and although he is still sleeping I wish he was awake so I could pelt my anger at him.
Everything is boiling up inside and I don't even know what I'm really mad about.
I just read a beautiful entry by
Stef. It has aroused all these feelings inside me. I've spent so much of my life hating myself, and although I've come a long way, I'm not completely there yet. I still have a difficult time really loving myself.
The first time I ever read anything similar to what stef wrote was when I read a book about how to survive sexual abuse,
The Courage to Heal. There were specific exercises to help teach the reader how to love their bodies and stop inflicting hatred.
Damnit I can't even focus enough to write this. I feel like the floodgate is about to be broken inside me. I want to read the book and I don't have it here. I think I left it at my mother's house.
I read those things, and I have tried to listen heal from the inside out. Overindulgence is just a coping mechanism. It is what I do when I cannot cope. It is what I do when I have nothing else to do. When I am fat no one will want me. Why would anyone want to touch me?
I hate that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. There will never come a day when I won't be a sexual abuse survivor. I will not pass Go, I will not collect $200. I have to live the rest of my life with the demons and I have to suffer through any emotional hiccups. I just wish that it would all just go away.
I'm sick of being "strong" and just sick of days like this.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:08 AM
Weigh-in Dec 4
I stayed exactly the same. At least I don't have to edit my stats right? Bummer. I only hope this is not going to be a trend.
That's all.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:58 AM
Too early again
I've been awakened by the evil cat. This is my 2nd Saturday in a row to be up earlier than planned. But I did go to bed relatively early because I've been rising early every day this week.
I could take advantage of this and go for a peaceful morning walk before I need to get dressed for my weight watchers meeting, but honestly I don't do that on Saturday mornings.
I also usually have a nothing goes in my mouth rule pre-weigh in on Saturday mornings, but I couldn't help myself. This morning I had to have a cup of coffee, I'm so addicted. I think I have time to uh get rid of that before I step on the scale... sorry to share so much info.
Last night, although I didn't make a great choice with dinner I am very happy to report on the amount I ate. We had pizza from this little Italian place we like and although I did eat half a bowl of chips (french fries for the Americans) I only ate 2 pieces of pizza, and they were normal sized. I didn't want anymore! My body is finally starting to tell me when it has had enough to eat, and I'm listening! I was so very impressed that I couldn't wait to write it down.
How do I feel about this morning's weigh-in? Not too bad actually. I think the french fries and the pizza together were a bad Friday night meal, and not just due to the fat content, but because of the salt. I think I may be holding a little water weight, but I hope the scale is kind to me, even if it is to put me back where I was before the small gain. I thought about drinking water way too late and should have drunk a few bottles after dinner to help flush out salt.
Christmas shopping is on my mind and I don't know what to get a few people. I'm not sure if I should be crafty and try to make things or bake, or what. We don't really have tons of money this year and I don't think they would mind getting something home-made, but the idea of baking and eating batter etc. is hard to get my head around. I may be strong, but I don't think I can do it without eating a lot of the stuff myself.
There is a bead shop just down the street and I think for my two beautiful Aussie girl friends I will go and make some nice ear-rings or necklaces (that is if her prices aren't too steep. They would love that. Plus I was thinking of buying some glasses from the Salvo shop and putting pretty pebbles and candles in them to go along with the jewellery. Shouldn't cost that much and it is thoughtful and planned out, just the type of presents I like to receive.
When we were out looking for things to buy for mr ralph's brother yesterday we saw a log of
Olga Berg handbags that I love. I told mr ralph that if anyone asks him what to get for me they could get me any of those and I would love it.
Any one of them would suit me.
And with that, I'll be updating again later today with the results of my weigh-in. Wish me luck!
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:30 AM
So Hungry
I have one more week of not working. Yay. I made it. I am really looking forward to having more to do than sitting here and contemplating my next meal.
We did really well this week and had salads for dinner every night. Except tonight we are going out to eat -- and I don't really know where or what I will have.
It is almost 2pm and I haven't had lunch yet. My tummy is growling. I am afraid to eat too much knowing I will be eating out tonight, but I will have to eat something soon otherwise I will be starving and really overdo it when we go out. What a dilemma! Such is my very dull life.
We will begin our Christmas shopping tonight and go see the movie
Saw. I think it will be freaky, and I looking forward to it. I've read it is similar to the style of
Seven and it is one of my favorite serial killer movies.
This has been a fairly good week and I am hoping to see something good tomorrow on the scale. I will be happy with anything over a 400 gram loss since that is what I gained last week.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
1:39 PM
If only
Today I'm wishing that chocolate had the same caloric make up of say, carrots. That way I could eat the entire block my husband so graciously bought me yesterday when I said, "I've got a craving for some chocolate."
We're not talking about a small-block here. We're talking family size. I've already consumed 3 serves of it since last night, and that isn't a lot. This particular one is a whopping point for 2 itty-bitty squares. That's right, 2.
Yeah, you could say it is driving me insane. And he forgot to take it with him when he left (to give it away) so it won't tempt me for the rest of the day.
Why does it have to taste so good? Why God Why?
I'm feeling slightly better than I was two days ago, but sometimes when you experience a slap in the face like that, it takes a while to get the spring back into your step.
I felt perfectly well this morning, and the weather is cool and beautiful, yet I still haven't had a walk yet. I am going to take one this afternoon, but I don't know why I didn't move my bum and get going this morning.
I did change the layout, yet again, but isn't it great? So fresh and new. I used to change my hair color or style every 2 months or so, and although I still change my hair often, I now change layouts. I get bored and need something new to excite me. But, I also have a lot of time on my hands to fiddle with things.
If you use a large monitor size, would you mind telling me if it looks ok in it? I have no idea.
That's all.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
1:57 PM
Something good
Even though yesterday was unbearable, I am happy that I didn't turn to food for comfort like I would have done so many times before. I stayed within my points range and that is an accomplishment.
The pain is almost completely gone now. I haven't taken any pain medication since yesterday after I got home from the Doctor.
What I want to do is go for a walk, even though I know the doctor told me to rest. I don't believe the walking was what caused the pain since I don't really use those joints in walking so... screw it, I'm out of here. Walking helps clear my head.
I promise to make it an easy one.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:24 AM
Hi. This blog used to be all about weight loss, but now it is more.
Rebeka, that was the best "New Year's Eve/Year in Review" post I've ever read. You GET IT...you've figured the big secret out, which is that you are in control, not the food, and that is, well, everything for people like us. I'm so proud to "know" you and to have my site listed up there with yours - you rock! I hope that 2005 brings more of everything for both of us.
I'm very happy for you Rebeka! Go on and enjoy yourself!
a well deserved nomination! :) happy new year to ya!
(dietgirl)
"There is so much freedom in realizing that I can make good choices even when they are limited, and that when I'm eating things that aren't that good for me, I am strong enough to stop at a reasonable portion size."
A BIG CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU!!!! No doubt this has come from lots of hard work and determination.....
I'm really enjoying reading your blog. Thanks for writing, and also congrats on your BOB nomination!
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