Wherein I realize that Whinging /= Winning
In waiting for the bus yesterday I met an angel.
There was a little old lady waiting already when I got there and she started to ask me when the next bus was arriving. I told her how to read her bus schedule because she said she didn't know how or found it hard to read and then she just kept chatting to me.
I couldn't be more thankful that she did.
She was incredible. She started talking about her eyesight and her age and that was how it all began. She looked really good for 76, of course she had wrinkles and she said she wasn't pleased with the ones on her arms, but she seemed very happy. In fact, a lot more happier than I have been feeling.
She said she had recently taken a class on natural healing and she really enjoyed it. Because she was so nice I took the opportunity to tell her about my weight loss journey. She seemed very impressed with the amount I've already lost and asked me how I ended up putting on so much weight to begin with. I told her that I had been through a very unhappy time in my life and she nodded her head.
She said she recently lost one of her good friends to cancer, and for years all she can remember is how stressed her friend was.
She told me not to lose too much weight as she thought I had beautiful skin and shouldn't stress myself so much.
She told me about a doctor she had recently heard speaking on the topic of stress and cancer. She had a little notebook she carries around with her where she had written the name of the doctor and she pulled it out to show me. She said she was going to look for her book.
After speaking to her I felt a lot of worry lift from my shoulders. I couldn't believe how bad I was feeling before and all I really needed was to get some perspective.
She reminded me how young I am, and how eating healthy and taking care of myself are so important, and not just taking care of the outside but the inside as well.
Also, before I left the house I grabbed some Shape Magazines to try to get myself motivated, and I found an old one with a month-long boot camp feature. I immediately thought of
Kimba and decided that I am going to do this. It has a bit of running involved, but when I feel that running is too much I will just do brisk walks. There is a detailed list of strength exercises as well that I can do at home. So it is decided, February is my bootcamp month. And that starts first thing today.
Since my work schedule can interfere with my wanting to workout, I've made myself a deal.
A condition of my bootcamp is that I am not allowed to use the internet on the day after any day that I have not completed my bootcamp task, so I have all day up until bedtime to do it. This will be hard because I love to blog and read all of the blogs on my blogroll, but it will keep me honest. Some of the days look very hard so I am going to allow myself to stop halfway through if my neck or health feels challenged in any way. So don't worry about me.
Food-wise I will continue to follow my adapted Wendie Plan and I'm sure adding all the exercise will allow me the occasional treat without seeing major damage on the scale.
So I am now in bootcamp mode. Wish me luck.
And I leave you with a picture from our walk, not the one of me as I loathe it.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:32 PM
I should have seen this coming
First the downward spiral, and now ca-Plunk. Here I am feeling shitty and despising myself.
I went for a power walk this morning and even jogged some of it, granted not in long intervals, but still it was my first jog since the surgery. And what was the motivation? Hate. Spite. Really being angry at myself for gaining weight.
I hopped on the scale when I woke up. I guess what I really wanted to do was feel bad today. There is not other explanation.
I wanted the walk to make me feel better. I wanted atonement for my sins. But it hasn't worked. It is like the endorphins missed me entirely.
I know that I have the rest of the week to go and that soon I will be out of the funk and feeling good again, but damn it this mood really sucks.
My mother in law commented yesterday on my weight loss, but it was what she said that really got me down. She mentioned my boobs are disappearing. Great! That was what I was obsessing about all morning, how small my boobs are getting and how my stupid fat ass and thighs are going nowhere.
Mr. ralph and I actually did a good thing by walking to her house yesterday. It is a gorgeous, but long walk. For more than half of it we get to walk through Linear Park and it is absolutely breathtaking with all the wildlife. We have some nice pictures of baby ducklings to show, but I have to transfer them still.
So I walked for an hour and a half and should have felt wonderful. But then I ate a slice of lemon meringue pie after dinner. It doesn't matter how many times I ask my mum-in-law to not serve dessert, she still does it 9 times out of 10. I do not get it.
Plus there's this pic mr. ralph took of me after I walked up a steep hill and all I can see is how wide my thighs and hips are. Track suit/exercise pants do nothing for me. I hate that picture. I don't know if I will show you or not, because trust me you will agree with me on this one.
I'm about to eat a small breakfast and try to feel better about the day. I don't want to be in a bad mood all damn day because who knows what temptation will befall me?
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:29 AM
On Body Shape
Does anyone put any stock into this whole Body Shape Diet stuff? The reason I'm asking is because well, my thighs, butt, and hips would like to discuss this at length.
I'm losing weight from my upper body like lightening, and the fat around my lower half is staying put.
I don't want this last 7 kilos to come off my already diminishing boobs and face people! I want to have thinner legs. This has really become a worry for me lately because well, I am vain. I don't just want the # on my scale to be smaller, I want to look good. I want to feel better in skirts and shorts, and not to mention bathing suits.
So I have read some about my body type, apparently I am a
Gynaeoid Body Type and this is what I look like:
Has anyone read the book
The Body Shaping Diet? I'm thinking of ordering the supplements or at least trying to find them separately and start taking them.
Is anyone out there my body type reading this? Have you been successful in trimming down your thighs with exercise? Because I have to admit I haven't done a lot of specific exercise and I guess now is the time to start something.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:57 AM
Weigh-in Day without the weigh-in
I didn't actually weigh myself so I am not exactly sure how much I gained. I am figuring about 400 grams. But in all honesty, we are at the start of a new week, so I'm forgetting last week and starting over.
I've planned an afternoon hike with mr. ralph, and although he wasn't really all that keen on it, he is going anyway. And that should get me off on the right foot. Plus I think this week I'm going to cut out bread, and potatoes again. Not a no-carb week, but a low-carb one.
I trotted over to the consignment store to drop off a few more clothing items that are in great condition, but too big for me (yippie!) and discovered she had sold a denim shirt of mine that I didn't even like. That is the only thing she has sold. Weird, but it was a $10.50 (50%) chunk of change for me that I wouldn't have seen otherwise.
Last night I drank a half bottle of wine an a few beers. I think alocohol is my enemy #1. I don't know how to say no, and quite often I just don't want to. It sucks that nobody has made 0 calorie alcohol.
I've recieved a few emails regarding the
incident from last week where I sent a well-meaning letter to a fellow blogger and then misread her site thinking she was upset by it. Although I wish I could take back my assumption that she was referring to me, to save a lot of heartache on both sides, some good has come of it. I've discovered a new friend in the process, and learned a valuable lesson. Sometimes it is best to let things sit before jumping to conclusions.
I have to say I was really blown away by all the compliments on my hair from yesterday's entry. You guys are so darling and sweet to say you like it. I had a few compliments at work as well. People seem to think it suits my personality, I'd have to say I agree.
Looking around last night at the club we went to, long hair is what is hot. It is always what is hot, but being different is something I like. I don't want to be just anybody, and have a completely average look. So thanks again for all the praise.
At the moment all is quiet around here as mr. ralph and the baby Buckley are having a nap. And for all you Scavenger hunters from
Michele's place, if you find out what my clue is could you tell me (in an email of course so as not to ruin the game) because I haven't a clue myself.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
3:04 PM
New Hair, new digs
Hello, hello. Yep, that's me with the big smile. It is a bit freakishly big, but I wanted to share my new haircut. Mr. ralph has voiced his disapproval. He wanted me badly to grow my hair long again. I had it long for a while back when we got married, but I just don't have it in me for the patience and the upkeep.
I like this style! I feel funky, I feel chick, I even feel thin.
I actually walked again yesterday afternoon, it was hot but it felt good. I will also dance tonight while out with the girls. I will boogie to help get rid of some of the extra I took on this week. I figure it is about 300 to 400 grams, and I can deal with that.
My shopping trip was fun and successful. I bought new and old clothes. I bought this fabulous dress to wear on our next date on Feb. 12th. We're going to
Candela Flamenco Tablao It is the perfect thing. The price is not bad, and the dancing is very sensual. I'm hoping we get inspired. In the future I'd love to talk the hubs into a dance class, but that could be a long road ahead of me.
Anyway, I'll be posting a weigh-in tomorrow but I won't be actually going to my meeting. So I'll see you tomorrow? Catch ya later.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:37 AM
On falling off the wagon
This week has been ridiculous. I am not sure what part of my brain happens to be controlling things, but it is like somehow I got put on autopilot and everything I think I should be doing is the opposite of what happens.
So I blew it last night. I ate pizza (2 slices), cashews, and drank 4 regular bottles of Becks. That was my dinner. I had already eaten about 10 points before all of that hoping that if I had a normal day leading up to it, I'd be strong like
Silverella.
But nope, I'm not. I'm not even close to strong.
So what now? I have 2 days before weigh-in. I'm still on my period, still just sitting here like a tub of lard not wanting to get up and move my arse.
I know I will have a gain. It is inevitable. I stood on the scale about 15 minutes ago and yes, I was indeed up. I don't even want to say how much, but it wasn't a whole kilo at least.
I wish I could say I am in a good place about all of this. That I can just move on and start doing things
right and that it isn't going to bug the shit out of me for the next 2 days. But, I'd be lying you see, and I can't do that.
I also have drinks to go to on Friday night now. Yeah. How stupid is that? I know better than to plan shit on Friday nights. I think I am going to skip Weight Watchers altogether this week. It may be a good idea to spend some time today really rethinking my strategy.
Maybe somehow I burnt out without even knowing it? I just fell off the wagon rather slowly throughout the week starting with that date night.
I know it is not the end of the world if I gain weight this week. I will be ok. I can get my act together. I just wish that I didn't let a small setback worry me so much.
I need to allow myself to be human. I'm a shitass perfectionist and it sucks to admit that I didn't exert more control. That is really where the problem lies.
Today I'm going shopping. I've got some things on my mind I'd like to buy, but I'll probably do a lot of browsing. We have our taxes now and have a little extra cash, but I know we have bills and I don't want to overdo it and be flatass broke again by next week.
Mr. ralph applied for a position at the University that is the same as what he is currently doing, but full-time and really good pay. We need it so badly, but he hasn't heard back from the department yet to say he got it.
I'm going to have a low-point day today without a doubt, and the walking around whilst shopping should at least be something valuable. I'm hoping the shopping endorphins kick in and I start to feel better. Gain or no gain, I'm still moving right along.
Going to keep moving forward, there is nowhere else for me to go.
Post Script
Just couldn't wait for tomorrow, you'll be so proud!
I sat here reading blogs for a while, feeling rather sulky, and then I said, "to hell with it." I got up, put on my walking shoes and hit the pavement. I went for a brisk 20 minute walk, and it didn't kill me! I am covered in sweat and hot as hell as the temperature around here is pretty fierce and humid, but I DID IT.
I'm suffering from new neck soreness since that
stupid taxi accident. I want to get a new x-ray, but the taxi company actually told mr. ralph that the person that handles complaints had left for the day and we'd get a call back. Have we? Nope. Going to need to call them again today.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:11 AM
The Grumpuss Continues
Yesterday was the worst day ever, or at least so far this month. Because we have a holiday today, the calls at work were increasingly harder to deal with. Everyone had an emergency. Everyone. And one woman refused to hang up until I put a team leader on the line, to tell her exactly what I was telling her. I think they get it into their head if they ask for a leader they are going to get what they want. But it is simply not true. My team leader has no authority to give them anything. It almost makes me want to laugh, except it is my stats running up as she rambled on and on forever.
*sigh*
And, to top it off My Aunt Flow came a visiting. Do we know who Aunt Flow is? Well, have a think about it for a second.
So of course I have the worst cramps, and we decided to go see a movie last night before dinner. By the time we ate dinner I would have eaten anything and the good old mr. ralph suggested we pick up hot chips to go with our grilled (healthy!) fish.
I caved in and said yes.
The day wasn't a total loss. I ate very well for most of the day. If I hadn't stuffed up on the weekend the hot chips wouldn't have been that big of a deal. At least by the time my weigh-in comes I shouldn't have the bloated, retaining water thing going on anymore. We can hope. Right now water is my friend.
Now today we are going over to one of mr. ralph's friend's and there will be snacks floating about. I did buy some healthy rice crackers, but I will need to practice a lot of willpower. I am a snacks girl for sure.
Cheese, yes please! Nuts, give me some more! Chips, ohhh salt! And let us not forget: beer.
I need all the help I can get.
Lately I have not done a damn bit of exercise. I keep saying I will, especially after reading sites like
Kimba's where she is doing so well and even running, but alas I keep coming up with excuses.
My neck hurts, its hot, or now I am having cramps. Give me a break. I am just a lazy-arse. I need to get myself moving if I want to see bigger weightlosses than just 300-400 grams per week. I know it is true, but it is not clicking in my head.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:33 AM
Time to stop slacking
As I was opening my browser I noticed
this headline that jumped out at me.
Johnny Carson is dead, I can't believe it. The family only said he died peacefully in the night and that they will not give the cause of death nor will there be a memorial service. No memorial service for the King of Late Night?? That is unbelievable. And to die at such a young age. To me folks 79 is not that old. I grew up with
Johnny on my parents late night TV, it is almost like losing a loved one. Another icon from my childhood has passed. Rest in peace Johnny.
Last night at dinner with the mum-in-law I had a huge piece of chicken and instead of leaving half of it on my plate I ate it all. Why you ask? I do not know. I felt like it? Crazy. So afterwards I ate 3 chocolates and started thinking. Why am I eating? I am not hungry. I've formed this bad habit by being to relaxed about my points and tracking. I've allowed myself to slip off track.
In realizing it, I didn't exactly freak out, but I made a mental note to myself that today, Monday will be a tracking day. I will have a really low-point day as per my new
amended Wendie Plan, and I will see it through for the week. I will also exercise. It is not the end of the world, but I cannot ignore the fact that I have been a total slacker of late. If I want to reach my goal by the end of March I cannot let this get out of hand.
I feel good about myself, really good. When I wear skirts these days I'm not all that self-conscious about my legs. I wear sleeveless shirts with total confidence. I don't cringe when I see myself in the glass of a window. I want to keep this peace I am beginning to have, I do not want to let it go. I also want to be at goal by the end of March. So that said, it is time to get serious about this.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:41 AM
Bliss
Yesterday was such a day of bliss for me. The hydrotherapy bath was heaven. I will admit it took me some time to totally let myself go so that I could relax. Why do I carry around all this tension? But I so wish I could have a bathtub like that at home.
Then, the massage was so good. The guy was incredible. I have got to go back there again, soon. He told me the spots on my feet (reflexology) that I should massage to help relieve the pain in my shoulders and neck. He did tell me that the pain there is precipitated by both emotional reasons and physical circumstances. I think that I am building up a protective zone around my neck, thus tightening all those back muscles.
After that I felt really good inside and out. I felt beautiful, and that is not very often. When I came home I took a hot shower and started the ritual of getting myself dressed up for the night out.
I only had an hour so we were rushed in taking the photos. We had to use the self-timer so getting the full body shot wasn't possible. I was going to get mr. ralph to do a full one later but we forgot about it by the end of the night.
Girls, he took me to the best place. It is called
Chloe's Restaurant, and we have driven past it so many times and commented on how we'd like to eat there someday. Let me first forewarn you that if you live in this area and are thinking of it for a special night out, make sure you have the extra cash. Luckily we should be getting a check for our taxes next week, otherwise we would be in serious trouble.
Their menu on line is a little different to the current one; for my entree I had double baked prawn and lobster souffle, and for my main meal I had grilled baramundi with seasonal steamed veggies. We shared a dessert which was a chocolate cake with berries and icecream. I didn't feel guilty about the food because although it was 2 courses, they were small serves; I did feel a little full in my new AU-size 12 pants.
After dinner we walked up to a pub in Norwood and enjoyed a few drinks before getting a taxi home.
That was the only part that went wrong all night. The taxi driver smelled of a three-day treck in the Andies and the body odor coming off him could kill a small animal. I had to hold my breath it was so horrible, and then he tailgated the guy in front of us until we were at the lights. To the right we could see an accident had happened and instead of watching the car in front of him he was looking at the accident and then hit the bumper in front of us quite hard. Mr. ralph could see it about to happen from his vantage point and braced himself. His knee is a bit jammed up because he was forced into the seat in front of him. I was paranoid about the jolt to my neck because it was a pretty hard bounce, but I feel okay so far.
The guy didn't end up charging us for our fare, and mr. ralph and I took down his id # and plan to call the taxi company today to complain in case either of us need to go to the doctor over the next few days.
After that excitement we came inside where mr. ralph had set some wine glasses and one of the wines we bought last March on our anniversary trip. He had my favorite cd (Sarah McLachlan) set to play and then I turned down the lights and lit a few candles. We spent some time cuddling on the couch and slow danced before going to bed. Sorry folks that is where the story ends, this is not an X-Rated blog. Let me just say it was a great ending to a beautiful date.
And now it is my turn to plan the next one & that is going to be Valentines. I'm already trying to think of how I can outdo him.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:10 AM
Weigh-in Jan 22nd
Oh my GOD, I am in the 60's.
Can you freaking believe it? Me, 69.9 kilos. Yeah I know, 100 grams under 70, but hey you take what you can get.
So today I had a weekly loss of 300 grams (without even trying) and I am 69.9 kilos, that is just 6.9 kilos away from my goal.
Today I am going to the
David Jones Spa and having a hydrotherapy bath and a shoulder and back massage. I can't have any manipulation on my neck, so I guess I will get a few extra minutes on my shoulders which is good because I sooooooooo need it.
I am looking forward to it immensely. Also, I am looking forward to my lovely date with my hubby tonight. I get to get dressed up and feel sexy.
Today I went to the Salvation Army store in my area and found myself a pair of Black
Sussan Aus size 12 pants and a nice slinky top for a total of $15.50 (for both items). I am such a snazzy shopper. I can always find good clothes for almost nothing. This time of year is a great time because people (like me even) are cleaning out their closets. They're getting rid of the too big, too small, and things they never wear. I will take a picture and publish it soon.
Get yourself to your
local Salvation Army, it is the best way to get clothes when you are on a budget, or losing weight and know you won't be in that size for long.
I want everyone to meet Shelley:
Yesterday on the Channel 9 news, I met her for the firsst time. The police found her lying on the ground in a train station left for dead. Three youths were caught on camera torturing the poor baby. When they showed Shelley (the name the police gave her) with the doctor that saved her life I was overcome with sadness for her. She was so friendly and cute and I couldn't believe that someone would kick her, stone her, and run over her with their bikes. She has an eye injury as well as a broken fibula (which incidentally I've broken before and it hurt like hell).
Now that the story has had so much press, in the papers and on the news, one 18 year old male who turned himself in and a 15 year old are already being charged with committing an act of aggravated cruelty on an animal. According to the police the max fine could be $22,000AU, or 2 years in jail.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:46 AM
My heart overflows
I have found bliss: Light ciata made by
Shwepps, if you live in Australia I highly recommend it for your caffeine free, sugar free consumption.
I was overwhelmed (in a good way) by the response of all of you yesterday. I am so fortunate to have such wonderful readers!
Sometime after I read all of your
lovely comments, I read my email I had a short reply from her telling me that she had indeed been referring to a different email. She said she was sorry that she didn't reply to my first one. In the end mr. ralph was right that I shouldn't have assumed it was mine, but it was such an odd coincidence that
someone else wrote to her and gave her tips as well.
Although I am not so sure I should have ventured into writing unarmed with the knowledge I have now (again, thanks to all of you) that she probably doesn't benefit from that type of thing, I felt so much better. I was happy that she said it wasn't me that made her binge. I've learned that sometimes helpful advice may not be what someone needs or wants. And I've also learned that most everyone enjoys my commenting.
I still feel mixed about the whole experience, because if a new reader took the time to write to me to give me tips of any kind regarding my diet, I don't think it would make me angry. I think I would embrace what they had to say as something positive. It makes me really sad that
any email would do that to someone.
I did something yesterday that you're never going to believe. I auditioned for
Big Brother. I became addicted to the shows here in Australia 2 years ago when someone we knew was on it. So after arriving there at 6:30 (yes I do mean AM) and standing a line for 5 hours, I spent 30 minutes inside the building only to not be chosen to go onto the 2nd round. It actually totally ticked me off, not really because I wasn't chosen but mainly because of the people in my group they
did choose. They chose the clowns and outright obnoxious people, along with one or two stunners just for good measure.
Oh well, you know what I say? Their loss. And would I have really enjoyed the experience? Maybe not. I missed mr. ralph when I was away from him for 3 days. Also, I wouldn't have any control over what I would eat, and I may miss out on getting a raise at my job that I could be eligible for in March. So all and all it was probably for the best that I wasn't chosen.
And if I ended up in the Big Brother house with one of the guys in my group that had been chosen for the 2nd round I would have wanted to strangle him within the first 5 minutes.
Do I really need that kind of stress?
I didn't think so.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:30 AM
I feel just terrible
That letter I mentioned earlier, well I didn't get a reply in my inbox, but I read her reply on
her site:
I read my emails and received an email from someone who apparently didn't even read my post, and that upset me. I wanted to open Blogger up and rip the reader a new one, but god I'm so sick of my knee jerk reaction to bad comments by people who don't even give a shit enough to read the whole post. What was I lashing out about? That they didn't "understand" me from glancing over one little post and deciding to tell me how to lose this weight. Forget that I'm on my third year here, forget that I've been dieting since I was six years old, if not before, forget that I've tried every diet, forget that my post mentions the very suggestions that I was being given in my little pep talk. Forget that I'm writing what I decided not to write anyway.
My heart completely sank because I did read her entire entry, I've actually been reading her site since I began mine a few months ago. I know that I don't know every little thing there is to know about her, but I actually wrote the email with nothing but the best intentions to offer a kind word in regards to
this entry, here is what I wrote:
Hi,
I know you don't know me, and I don't really know you, but I've been reading your blog for a while now. After reading your recent entry I just had to write because I know all too well what you are feeling.
Most of what I'm about to write is just stuff from my experience, I'm not in any way implying that you are like me, so please don't think that.
I currently can fit into a US size 10 and an Aus 12 (in most things) I weigh 155 and I haven't weighed that since high school (a really long time ago), but yesterday when I was at the pool I was wearing a bikini and saw myself in the glass window and screamed inside. I still have about 15 pounds or so to lose before I get to the top of my Weight Watchers goal, but with clothes on I think I look pretty good. If I were to see another woman at my size I'd think she was thin, but yet I'm still not happy with myself.
I know the hunger part too. Where you feel like nothing, absolutely nothing will make you feel full. This I think, at least for me is more psychological than anything else. It does pass when I try to identify the real reason I'm hungry, and most of the time it is not food. My experiences as a child have led to a really unhealthy reliance on food. I know that sounds crazy, but I've read a book that really helped me called Feeding The Hungry Heart. It is worth checking out.
And about the new diet you are talking about, I noticed you mentioned you eat out a lot and find it difficult. But I think you will still find it hard to stick to a normal portion because most restaurants servings are like 2-3 times a "normal" amount. You'd either have to order a half-size meal, or be strong enough to not finish the full plate (which most of us aren't) especially when we are just starting again to change our eating habits.
I know what it is to be frustrated and to have tried every diet out there. I honestly can't say there is one that works even though Weight Watchers seems to be working for me at the moment because I truly believe (although cliche) that when we are personally ready to lose weight we will because we will have all the tools at our disposal plus the willpower.
And one final thing, (sorry so long-winded) but even though I really despise Dr. Phil, his book is a really helpful weight loss tool as well. If you haven't read it, just check it out from your library and give it a shot. He actually makes a lot of sense.
That's all. I hope that my telling you a little about me has done something to help.
I've written again just now to tell her how sorry I am and that I think she misunderstood my intentions, but I'm not sure it will make much difference. This is the first time I've felt this bad in relation to reading blogs and commenting.
I actually feel like crying now. It makes me not want to offer advice or comments at all anymore. What a horrible way to end the day. I only wanted to be helpful. Was what I said really that bad?
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:14 PM
Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever
You know how when you listen to certain songs you get transported back to another place and another time?
One of the most beautiful songs (at least to me) is the following one by Sarah McLachlan.
Mary walks
Down to the water's edge
And there she hangs her head
To find herself faded
A shadow of what she once was
She said how long have I been sleeping
And why do I feel so old
Why do I feel so cold
My heart is saying one thing but my body won't let go
With trembling hands she reaches up
A stranger's flesh is offered
And I would be the last to know
I would be the last the let it show
I would be the last to go
Take her hand
She will lead you through the fire
Give you back hope
And hope that you won't take too much
Respecting what is left
She cradled us
She held us in her arms
Unselfish in her suffering she could not understand
That no one seemed to have the time
To cherish what was given
And I would be the last to know
And I would be the last to let it show
I would be the last to go...
Mary walks...
I was at the pool yesterday and listening to music while lying in the sun. The words to this song have such a strong meaning for me. So many times I felt my heart was going to break, but songs have always helped me get through the tough times in my life. And there have been a lot of those.
Thanks for all the kind words yesterday, the doctor's visit went ok, but not perfect. His answer to my knotted muscles? He thinks that massage is ok for temporary relief but thinks that the only way it will truly improve is for me to build up my stamina by beginning to increase my hours at work. His idea is to build up until I am doing 3 full days, and when I add the extra day I should then cut the hours back again until I eventually am working full-time.
I wasn't exactly thrilled, but I've been told to take neurophen for the time being. It seems all he really cares about is the fact that I don't have neurological pain, and although that is a great thing, I'd like some sort of sympathy for what I am experiencing.
This guy is not so great with the bedside manner business.
From the x-ray, we can see that although the neck is not healed completely, the outside has a protective layering of bone (and whatever else is in there) so it is stable. I can start slowing adding more exercise, including skipping if it is on soft ground. The only problem for me is gauging how much is enough without overdoing it. Now I think I am going to go back to the gym a few nights a week to do swim and bike classes.
While at the pool yesterday I saw my reflection in the glass I recoiled. The sight of my body in a bikini really makes me gag. Although I only have 7 kilos left to lose to reach the high-end of my weight range, my heart sank because I fear I'll probably have to shoot for the bottom end, which is 55 kilos, in order to feel good in a bathing suit.
Can I really do that? I don't know if I have it in me, I've been really looking forward to reaching 63 so I can maintain. I guess I won't make the final decision regarding this until I reach 63 and see how I feel.
I was reading
Tales of a Bathroom Scale this morning and although I haven't written to her before, I decided that today I would. I wrote to her about how I completely understand how she feels. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel really happy with the reflection in the mirror (or glass). And I also know what it feels like to be so hungry you don't think you will ever be full.
I've written about this before, but I've identified that when I am feeling like that, most of the time what I am hungry for is not food. I usually am seeking to fill myself up with food so I don't have to feel whatever is plaguing me at the moment. It is so much easier to stuff my face than deal with what is really going on.
I identify with her frustration of trying an endless tirade of diets and still feeling powerless over the weight issue.
After I wrote the letter I started worrying that she would think that I was telling her that I think she is like me, when everyone's weight loss issues are not the same. I began to doubt that what I had written would help her, but may make her feel worse. But I also hope that I am wrong about that, that she will know that I was only trying to help because I understand.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:31 AM
Come, to Homercles
Today is my 3 month check-up with the spinal surgeon, and I really hope he has something to say about the knots in my shoulders and the pain in my sternum. If he acts like it is no big deal I think I may get upset. I am bringing mr. ralph along with me again because I
need him there.
I think I need some sort of massage or manipulation to help with the shoulder pain, and I don't think it should come out of my pocket. I also think I need some reassurance that what I'm feeling is normal, and nothing to worry about.
This guy spends approximately 15 minutes, maybe less, with me every 3 months and I'm left out in the cold when it comes to the everyday pain that is my life.
Thanks to all of you that said you liked the new look. I'm not completely sold on it yet to be honest. Today I spent a considerable amount of time learning some new css styles so that I could change the link colors so that the content part is different to the side bar. It worked, but I don't like the way it looks
still.
The time has already come when there are
hot cross buns in the stores and we
love them. We bought some and although the package we got was already going stale, I still love them. I have to be careful and buy the mini ones and read the label because one bun could range up to 5 to 6 points if I'm not careful. Small ones are 2 points, so a doable snack if I don't eat half the package.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:16 AM
Weigh-in Jan 15th
My weigh-in was a little disappointing taken consideration of the fact that I ate almost zero carbs all week and was pretty strict. I exercised but to be honest it was very minimal and what little walking I did do wasn't at a very aerobic rate.
Weight on Saturday Jan 15th was 70.2 kilos, total net loss for the week was 400 grams.
Total loss since Christmas 2.2 kilos.
Through my
comment section a few days ago I was turned onto something called
The Wendie Plan, which in a way gives structure to my whole more food day idea. So I am now going to incorporate her idea into my Weight Watchers program. I had to tailor my own points program because it appears when Wendie came up with this plan she did so on the old points system that gave you a range of points to use over the week. What I've done is use her idea and make up my own range by taking my entire 140 points allowance for the week (20 points daily) and it looks like this:
Saturday: 17
Sunday: 22
Monday: 18
Tuesday: 32
Wednesday: 17
Thursday: 22
Friday: 19
So there you have it, my way to fight the body's desire to shut down weight loss by thinking I am starving it.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:10 AM
We have 86,400 seconds in our day, it is what we do with them that counts
Taken from
Shape Magazine October 2004,
The Right Way to Write in a Journal
Keeping a journal can increase your sense of well-being and give you a more positive outlook on life. But that's true only if you make a point of recording things you are grateful for, says Robert Emmons, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, who conducted several studies on journaling. If you write only about problems or hassles, or even neutral events, you don't reap the benefits he says.
"Gratitude buffers you from physically and psychologically harmful emotions such as envy, resentment, and regret," Emmons says. "By focusing on cherished relationships and the kindness of others, we feel connected and nourished." The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
So yesterday I was reading old magazines and came across this article above and I immediately thought of
Denise. I can sometimes get side-tracked over here and focus too much on what is going wrong in my life, and in my weight-loss efforts, but not her. She always write such up-lifting, motivating, and inspirational entries.
I plan to take a leaf from this book and try to be more grateful when I write. I know that I probably won't be able to be positive in every entry, but if it is for my psychological well-being, I'm all for a change.
Yesterday was another hot day here so I thought I'd get some sun at the pool and walked there only to find that they were having some vacation swimming program for kids and not letting the public in until the afternoon. I was so bummed that I had to turn around and walk back home with my tail tucked between my legs. But then I realized, "hey, that was an hour walk, and I wouldn't have done that otherwise."
When I phoned hubby to tell him of my misfortune he said he was coming home early and would take me then. So I got a bonus. I walked for an hour, and got to go to the pool and get some sun too!
I'm not sure if this is a worry or not, but lately on this no-carb diet I'm only consuming around 14-16 points out of my normal 20 allowed on Weight Watchers and I haven't been hungry. I think 14 is way too low, but the good news is today is my last day. I've cut it short by a day because tomorrow I'm going to Schutzenfest (Adelaide's famous German festival) and I will be consuming mass quantities of bad things ie: beer, bratwurst, soft pretzels, sour kraut, beer, and uh more beer.
Tomorrow's post will be my weigh-in post and I think that I will be another kilo down. Excellent. Last night on The Biggest Loser, as I expected, the smallest person on the Red Team was the one to leave. This girl only weighed around 5 kilos more than I do right now. I knew it would be tough for the smaller people to not get voted out early due to the fact that they wouldn't be shedding nearly as much as the larger folks. Hopefully she learned something valuable anyway that they will keep with her and continue to be healthier for the experience.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:59 AM
Weight loss Breakthrough!
Oh my Goodness. I'm so excited.
What is the secret? Leptin.
Thanks to
Marla, in her post yesterday, I read this
article that discusses a breakthrough for those of us interested in losing fat.
This guy is absolutely amazing. If I could meet him I'd give him a big oldfashioned smoocheroo.
According to him and
others (really need to read the
article because this guy has done his research -- yes it is longwinded) when we go on a diet and/or reduce the amount of food we are taking in, our supply of something called leptin decreases.
Here is the clincher: We actually cannot have significant fat loss without it. And, when we increase the amount of food we eat (otherwise known as off the diet, or overeating) our supply of leptin goes back up.
So the best way to have continued success without plateaus in your weight loss endeavors is to have periods of diet, followed by periods of eating more food. The biggest problem I am faced with is deciding how much food to add during that time.
I saw benefit of the "free day" when I did
The Body For Life challenge. But somehow I don't think just one free day a week will be enough to allow the amount of leptin to reach a desired level.
I know that this is true from my own life because many times that I've seen a plateau approaching I get discouraged and then eat more, only to notice when I get back on track I lose weight more easily.
The difficult thing for me is teaching myself how to implement this without going nuts worrying about how much I should be eating in the more food phase, or how long I should do the more food phase.
This guy says bodybuilders often do 4 weeks on, 2 weeks off, but 2 weeks sounds like a dangerous amount of time for me to be off my diet.
I'm really mulling this idea over and am going to give it a go. I'm just not sure exactly how to do it yet. I wish I had stumbled across this way back when I weighed-in at 105 kilos.
In a google search I've found at least
one book, on the topic. I can't believe I've been in the dark this long.
I spoke to mr. ralph about the idea of having a 4 day break from dieting after each consecutive 2 weeks on the diet strictly and he seems keen to try it out as well. If we do not gain more than say a kilo during those 4 days, I'm all for it. I gained a kilo over Christmas and then lost 2 the first week on the no-carb diet. I think leptin may have something to do with my increased dieting success (can't only give the no-carb diet the praise).
So there you have it.
PS-- I caved and joined
Blog Clicker, a site similar to
Blog Explosion, but I don't think I will have enough time to keep earning credits in both. Although I think the idea behind the sites is great, it is easy to get caught up in just surfing to earn credits and not have any time leftover to actually
read the sites on your blogroll, or really visit any of the new sites you may want to. So, there you have it, that is my spiel.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:33 AM
Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!
So yesterday I wrote a love letter to my husband.
We had a talk on Monday night about how our romance life is going, and without divulging too many personal details, I'll just say that we need some spice in our life.
We had such a hard year in 2004 with the loss of his father and the hard work going into completing his thesis. I know that we both need to make changes to make our relationship more of a priority and when I get to carrying on about it, all I end up doing is blaming it all on him.
I realized that I was doing that, and that it was so wrong. So I wrote to him because I knew that I'd be without distraction and less likely to get annoyed by anything.
When I went to sleep he was staying up to watch The West Wing. They put it on late here because it is not one of the more popular shows. I don't like it either and I was tired.
I snuck into the bathroom and taped it where he would find it while I was asleep and be able to read it in private.
He thanked me for it this morning. It is a start. I invited him out for a date for when we have a bit more breathing room in our finances because we are a bit broke at the moment and he said that was a good idea.
So now I need romantic date ideas. I could do the dinner thing, but that is done and tired. I will have to come up with something really good, and be armed with a plan so that the night accomplishes what I'm setting out to do. Food may be involved, but
just eating out is not all that intimate.
Also, it is worthy to note please visit
The California Hammonds, for every comment received a donation will be made to the National Breast Cancer Foundation's programs for breast cancer education and low-cost and free mammograms for low-income women. Please go there and comment.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:58 AM
The other day I was so desperate for a beer, I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers
I watched the first episode of The Biggest Loser last night. I would link to it, but since it is over in America I don't want to read anything that may ruin it for me.
My conclusion is that although I found it very entertaining, the show really doesn't do anything to actually
help the viewers who may have weight problems themselves. It is totally unrealistic to lose 10-20 pounds in your first week on a diet, no matter how big you are. It will be interesting to see how they progress in the weeks to come.
Also can I complain that Caroline the hostess, looks like she could stand to go on a diet herself? Ouch, that was bitchy even for me, but one would expect they'd at least have a healthy looking host.
These people had a personal trainer and were working out every day, probably for hours on end. If I did that I wouldn't have to even worry about the food I put in my mouth, the weight would fall off me. But alas, I am not that active.
But did I like it? Oh yes! Will I watch it again? I'm addicted already.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:48 AM
Mmmm...Forbidden donut
This no-carb thing totally backfired yesterday. I didn't tell the mum-in-law early enough that I won't be eating potatoes, carrots, peas, or corn (all staples at Sunday dinner) and I ended up eating 2 cauliflower florlets, some salad, a small bit of cheese, and turkey.
It wasn't very filling.
But that wasn't the worst of it. I actually had a full blown need [read need, not just
CRAVING] for chocolate, and snagged a snickers bar from the pantry and ate it secretly as I was about to take my spa bath.
I ate it so quickly that I almost didn't taste it. After I had finished it and was soaking in the tub I then had to examine my behaviour, because I know that I am not doing so well when I feel the need to eat in secret. Damn that awareness thing I've got going on! Why couldn't I just feel bad about it and beat myself up?
Anyway I came to the conclusion that I actually may have needed sugar. Since I am cutting out all carbs and foods that contain any sugar, be it natural or not, my body could have been telling me that I actually needed some.
The eating in secret bit? Well, that is always a worry. It is hard to openly eat a chocolate bar when you just quite publicly swore off all carbs at dinner and the mum-in-law felt bad for not having enough non-carb foods to serve you.
I did confess to eating it to mr. ralph later which made me feel better.
You know what he said? "Did you look like this?" [as he kneeled down on the floor and pretending to be hiding as he did scarfing motions], "Like when Johnny Sac (see
Sopranos NY Mobster) found his wife sneaking chocolate in the basement while doing laundry?" Thanks honey, you know just how to cheer me up. heh.
I'm sucking ass in the exercise department too. I really need to get motivated about exercise because I go through bouts of full commitment to no commitment at all. I wish I could be consistent with it.
I cannot believe how close I am to my goal. I'm hoping that next week I'll be in the 60's (maybe 69 kilos at least) and that is unbelievable. It is so fantastic. I'm loving it. But as
honestyrain said, I do need to come up with a plan for what I will focus all this time and energy on once I've reached my goal. I also cannot let myself slip back into bad habits like I've been known to do when losing in the past, although I've never lost
this much before in my life. I know I probably weighed this much when I was around 18, but back then I thought this was huge.
I just looked at
Kimba's new pictures she posted and have to say she looks so HOT! Way to go girl.
Also, can you believe this
fat auction thing on ebay? You have to read
Scale Ho's post, and then
Erin's post at Lose the Budah.
One last thing, has anyone ever actually won 100 credits when surfing on
BE?
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:20 AM
Weigh-in Jan 8th
I don't have a lot of time to write this at the moment but I wanted to share my wonderful weigh-in news.
Today I weighed 70.6 kilos (155.3 pounds), a net loss of 1.8 kilos (3.6 pounds) from my holiday gain. That is a huge loss in one week!
Also I am down from what I was before Christmas. I couldn't be more pleased. One week of no-carb eating down and one more to go.
Thanks everyone for the great advice yesterday. I'll have a larger post tomorrow. See you then!
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:51 PM
I gave my love a chicken, it had no bones. Mmmmm Chicken!
After all that heavy stuff from yesterday, it is time to lighten this place up a bit.
To fill my time this afternoon instead of napping or watching tv, or exercising, I surfed
BE, and I actually commented on sites that had interesting current entries.
A side note about that to anyone interested -- it is very hard to read novel length entries when one is surfing! I know, I know, I'm not one to talk.
I like comments so I thought it wouldn't hurt to spread some comment love. I learned that from
Michele.
And
that guy that did the hate entry about her, well he is just one guy. She is way better than he is. Take it from me, but I know
you don't have to, because you know it too.
Now, a random list of weird foods my cat likes/eats:
-Asparagus -- he likes the juice if it is out of a can too.
-Low-fat laughing cow cheese spread -- you should see him licking his jaws after that!
-Avocado -- he must have a thing in particular for green foods.
I know I shouldn't indulge his people food interest no matter how interesting it is, but I always feel guilty when he sits on my table and reaches his paw out to me (as if he could reach). I am such a sucker.
You know what is really sad? Today I broke one of my 2 week diet rules by having a diet coke. I had decided that if I was thirsty during these 2 weeks that all I could have would be water, or tea/coffee. I gave in while shopping and had to have one diet vanilla coke. I didn't buy a 2-liter bottle though. Of all things to
cheat on, I choose a diet coke.
Also you never realize how many carb-based foods you eat until you take them away. I'm missing everything. My mouth was drooling while I was shopping. I wanted a cheesymite scroll, sorry if you're not aussie you don't know what that is, pretzels, cherries, and yogurt.
It is hard to believe people actually ban fruit from their diet for more than 2 weeks!
I'm also finding it difficult to limit my vegetables. I may have already complained about not being able to eat carrots, peas, and corn.
I still don't know how mr. ralph is going to survive this thing if he chooses to join me because those are the only vegetables he really likes. Who eats a salad that is made solely of lettuce and cheese?
Oh, and about cheese. I love cheese. I adore the stuff. I usually don't eat a lot of it because when you add crackers the points add up. Now that I can have cheese as a snack daily (only 30 grams of course & lowfat) I am not all that excited about it. Cheese without crackers is a silly as
Dolly Parton without big boobies, or
Sara Marie (Big Brother buffs) without Bunny ears.
My favorite new snack is a lettuce wrap: take a lettuce leaf and lay flat, place your favorite low-fat meat slice (I use roast chicken) and then spread low-fat cheese spread thinly across the meat, finally place a piece of capsican (that is bellpepper for my US readers) in the middle and roll up. Try this, you will be amazed how yummy it is, and really, really low in fat/points.
And the last thing I will say about this diet (for now at least) is that I am still hungry. Although I am eating around 16-18 points a day (when I am allowed 20), the menu is not filling to me. If I ate the same amount of points the way I normally eat, I'd feel much fuller, BUT I do think that it is working. I am excited to see what the scale will read on Saturday.
I hope you are all visiting the
BoB awards daily and giving your votes to someone, and if you have no one else to vote for, why not me or
Denise? I hear she is doing much better than me so far so I say lets help her out to get ahead.
And for laughs you have got to see this
experiment some guy did by dialing a # from a song in every area code and recorded the results. Talk about boredom!
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:06 AM
Dear Molester
I know, talk about entry overload, but I wrote this letter back in October of 2002. It appeared on my other website that I later had to abandon. Tonight I was searching on the internet for that site through archive.org, and I found a lot of my favorite entries still there. I thought I would put this one here for you guys to read, because it explains a lot about why I struggle so much with weight issues.
Dear Molester,
I've become a woman, no doubt if you could see me you would have noticed.
I waited too long to write you this letter, I wanted you to read it. I wanted you to know the full extent of my hatred of you, but you are unable to do that.
For a long time I have hated myself and tortured my body, I blame you for all of this. I couldn't get over what you did to me, how you violated me. I've wanted to disguise myself in fat so that nobody would touch me, I've wanted to eat to console myself and stuff myself with food so that I could not feel the pain.
I've finally gotten to the point where I think I have that under control. I'm getting thinner, feeling healthy, and working on other ways to medicate my brokenness. I've begun to love my body and treat it with respect by taking care of myself.
I've allowed others to violate me because you taught me that I was nothing and that nobody would ever love me. I've abused alcohol and other substances, I've been raped by men and made to feel awful, dirty and ugly inside and out. You did this to me. You made me feel cheap and not worthy of anyone's love. You made me see sex as a means for getting close to someone, as the only way of obtaining love.
I've finally found someone who truly loves me. I've been hurt over and over and suffered a lot of heartbreak in my life. You wouldn't think I've had the time to accumulate so many scars, but I have thanks to you.
When I fall, I fall hard. It was always for someone that I couldn't have full possession of: someone physically far away, someone emotionally far away, or just someone who wanted to use me the way that you did. In each instance, I always gave everything I had. In every situation, I was laid open and left bare. So many men have trampled on me while I gave them the full license to do so. This will not happen anymore.
My future husband is the most incredible, loving man. I thought I'd never find anyone like him that would even try to understand the fucked up mess you left me in. Yet I found him. He is helping me become someone that I can be proud of, and he loves me with a love that I didn't even know existed.
I hate you for all the pain you've caused me, for all the instability you brought to my life. For your pleasure you bought me a lifetime of sorrow.
Yet that is not what this letter is all about. It really is about how there is hope, and how I will not allow you to keep fucking me in your grave. Now that your penis has rotted off, I am finally free of you. I never have to see your face again, except in my nightmares. I know for sure you are not out there sticking your hands down some other little girls pants and subsequently ruining her life. And this you see, brings me hope.
I know that I will always carry around what you did to me; I will wear it like a scar that has faded from view. I can deal with this. I will continue to have flashbacks and setbacks in my life, this too is something I have accepted. At least I won't be doing it all alone anymore.
Now I know it is okay to hate you and not myself, it is okay for me to acknowledge that I am not the bad one. It is you, it has always been you, you sick bastard.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:13 PM
Too quiet
I wish that I had lived alone at some time in my life because I can't stand a quiet house.
Right now even with the television on, and loud, the place feels so empty, and in turn makes me feel empty.
I'm not happy about the powers that be replacing my Footballer's Wives with some crazy movie called Urban Legend either.
But let me get off what is really on my chest.
Before moving here to be with mr. ralph I spent a year apart from him while I was working and saving enough money to pay for the fiance visa. It was one of the hardest years of my life.
I had to put up with my psycho sister and live with my parents again. Those two things alone was enough to make me go insane.
I would listen to sad music and hug my body pillow thinking of him. I cried myself to sleep most nights, and I worked two jobs to earn money faster, plus there was less time alone to be depressed and miserable.
Sounds so cliche, but I've never loved anyone as much as I love him.
He went interstate yesterday morning to help his friend move and I didn't think it would be that hard to be apart from him for 3 days and 2 nights. I mean come on, am I really that needy? Is it that hard for me to be alone? Of course I actually told him it would be a good idea for him to do this for his friend.
Last night I was trying to sleep while the wind and rain were beating against the window and all I wanted to do was know he was beside me. If I didn't have Buckley asleep at my feet I don't know if I would have slept much at all.
We don't have the perfect marriage. I don't even think that exists outside of fairytales, but he is my other half, and he should be here right now sitting on the couch next to me driving me crazy when he tries to rub my leg.
I have my moments when I wonder what life would be like if I weren't married to him, but the truth is I can't even survive one day without him.
I had the most horrible day at work and all I wanted to do was come home and collapse against him and complain so that I could feel better. And if he was here, he would have cooked dinner for us because even though he isn't the best cook in the world, he loves to do things like that for me.
I've been known to complain about how he doesn't clean much, and he never does the laundry, but I would give anything to run my fingers through his curly hair right now.
I am such a sad sap. I miss him. I can't wait until he gets home tomorrow night. I hope I can convey to him how much he means to me.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:50 PM
You complete me
My
readers are absolutely amazing.
Not long ago I remember wondering if anyone would even want to read this site, and now there are so many of you handing out compliments and cheering my success that my head is swimming.
I've been getting emails lately from people who have found me through the
BoB awards and tell me how they feel inspired by me. That is just wonderful! I can't believe my words inspire you, because all of you motivate me.
LibertyBob reminded me yesterday to recall that my weight loss shouldn't just be about how I look, but about being healthy, and he is right. Sometimes I admit that I do get caught up in the vanity of it all. I want to look good.
I've been overweight for so long that wearing shorter skirts and form fitting dresses is exactly how I envision myself when this is all over with, not to mention hipsters.
I want to make people's heads turn. I want to look at a picture of myself and not immediately scrutinize my every flaw. I want to
be skinny, in mind, body, and spirit.
But after hearing everyone say how good they thought I looked in that dress, my wonderful husband included, I have to wonder if a lot of what I am feeling is just leftover from being fat most of my life. That is fat in mind, body, and spirit.
Yes my arms are bigger than average, but I'm not sure my body type will ever be what I think is perfect.
I will always have a bigger than average bum and a hip to waist ratio that can make J-lo look like a stick figure. I can't change what nature has given me, no matter what the number on the scale says.
I will be paying a lot more attention to getting my arms and rear in shape this year, especially after my neck has healed 100%, because until then lifting weights and skipping is not an option, but what I think I really need to focus on is my self-image.
What good is it to get down to my weight watcher's goal weight if I'm going to feel the same way about myself?
I never thought I'd be complaining about how I look in a size 10 dress, let alone fit into one.
So how exactly does one solve the self-image problem? Same way I conquered my fear of food I suppose; you just keep tackling the problem head on. I actually didn't want to post the picture, then a little voice inside my head said some of you would say I looked good even if I didn't, you know
just to be nice then I remembered the heads that turned when I walked down the street on New Year's Eve, and how mr. Ralph's eyes lit up when he saw the dress; it was then that I had to tell myself that everyone can't be wrong.
So thanks again for kicking me in the bum. I need a swift kick now and then.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:10 AM
A downward spiral
Oh how I would love to write something inspiring and chirpy to say that I've started 2005 on the right foot, but I can't lie to you like that.
I'm putting the pictures here because I said I would, but as I look at them I feel so much self loathing. It is hard to believe I felt good in that dress when my arms are so freakishly huge.
The body parts I hate the most right now are my arms, and my legs. I wonder if 9 more kilos will actually make much difference?
If I look like this now, how must I have looked at 220 pounds?
The thought makes me want to hurl.
So yes, I hate myself right now. There is no way to sugarcoat it.
This is me on New Year's Eve just before heading out the door. I made the necklace I'm wearing.
Me and mr. ralph on Christmas day.
Yesterday was the first day on the no-carb diet and I did well. I was pretty hungry even though I ate around 18 points (I'm allowed 20 on weight watchers). I don't think I am one of those people that feels fuller when I eat protein, but I'm going to see it through for the 2 weeks. I finish what I start.
And finally the one photo I like because you can't see my flab.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:31 AM
A night like no other
I wanted to put up pictures to show you how great I looked in a size AUS(10) satin dress I wore on New Years Eve, but mr. ralph left the cord needed to transfer the pics to the laptop at his mum's so you will have to wait on that. Suspense killing you yet?
The day was a beautifully hot one. I asked for it because I wanted to dress without worrying about getting cold during the middle of the night. I got exactly what I wanted.
I had to work the morning and it was very boring, but after I got off work I stopped by the goodwill because I like to browse occassionally and actually found the most amazing dress that I decided to wear even though I already had a brand new top planned. This dress is gorgeous and no one would ever know it wasn't expensive and new except all of you of course because I don't mind bragging about bargains, especially size 10 ones that actually fit me.
Anyway after that I went with mr. ralph to his mum's house where the younger brother was having his friends over for a bbq. I ate some salad and sausages and we stayed long enough to wish him a happy new year before coming home and jumping in the shower.
I went to a bbq dressed to kill and had a great time drinking my cocktails.Most of us went to sit near the beach to watch the fireworks. And after that is when the night took another interesting turn.
Over here they offer free public transport on NYE after midnight to keep the drunks off the road, so even though I had paced myself really well and was half sober, I ended up walking over 20 minutes in my beautiful shoes to the bus stop where another several hundred people (most of them ridiculously drunk) were waiting for the tram or a bus to take them into the city.
I had to throw my body into the crowd and be propelled along by everyone else's pushing and shoving until I was actually on the bus and then was forced to listen to a man who will forever be known as
belligerent, loud guy continually yell out, "You ferral F--ker!, and "Hurry Up BUS DRIIIIVEEER!" over and over again until we reached our destination.
I wanted to gouge his eyes out.
Once in the city I walked around a guy who was actually sleeping in the city square, and he wasn't a homeless person, he just decided to stop and take a little nap in the grass.
I had instructions from mr. ralph about which bus stop I needed to get to in order to meet him at his friend's house, but the street was partially closed and after I asked a few people if they knew where I needed to go I gave up and walked another 25 minutes in my sexy shoes to a bus stop where I could catch a bus home.
At that point I was very sad because I really wanted to be with mr. ralph and I felt bad that I didn't know my way around more. I am horrible with directions and I failed at finding my way on my own so I was miserable, plus I didn't particularly like being alone in the city at 1:30 in the morning where strange men were roaming about the streets under the influence of a lot of alcohol and god knows what else.
Once on the bus heading in the direction of my wonderful home, a man on the bus was yelling and being yelled at by a half-naked man who was on the street running along side the bus. He was holding up his shorts and seemed to be in a state of distress as he was screaming, "I will kill you, I promise you, you will die!" and the guy on the bus was yelling back, "Bring it on!" and frantically ran up to the front of the bus near where I was perched and actually kicked at the door.
That will show him!!
Then the bus driver did something strange, he stopped at the next stop and ordered the guy who kicked the door off. All of his friends ran up to the front and begged the driver to let him back on saying what a bad idea it was to have him on the street. I would say I had to agree since it seemed his life was in danger, but the driver refused to let him back on.
A woman who appeared to be the angry, kicked off (soon to be dead) guy's girlfriend was now mad at the bus driver and asked to be let off. When it came time for her stop, a silly woman called out from somewhere behind me, "see ya later love." This of course set the girlfriend off again and at the stop she stepped back on to the bus in order to have a conversation with the woman telling her how she didn't have the right to say anything because she didn't know her or what had happened to them that night.
The bus driver, having long lost his patience tried to order the girlfriend off the bus since he had stopped for her only, and she stood there arguing with him some more. So he closed the door and we were on our way again when she stomped around and rang the bell a final time and departed at the next stop.
After that things got quiet until the driver said, "Anyone else want to play up? Because it is all being recorded."
We were all shaking in our shoes of course. Not.
Nobody else said or did anything, and after I got home I called mr. ralph and told him how sorry I was that I had to come home. By that time it was 2:30 and he said he would walk into the city and catch a bus home. I had a headache and sat here drinking 2 bottles of water and reading blogs before finally crashing around 4 am.
Mr. ralph, reeking of scotch came and gave me a kiss before he passed out around 5:30. Apparently when he was catching the bus he experienced a bit of congestion and had to wait longer as the busses were full.
He had nowhere near as interesting a night as I had, but he did feel sad and miss his father. I knew he would. He also feeling blue about his friend moving in a few days. He had played poker with his mates and actually won. Other than that, I think it is safe to say we were glad 2004 was over. We slept in and then watched The Phantom of The Opera last night.
I was singing the songs in my head in my sleep, in fact I am still singing songs now. It is one of the most beautifully tragic love stories and I adored it, although it did have some cheesy sets and wardrobes. Come on, you know it is true.
Today starts my no-carb, no alcohol, and no fizzy drinks 2-week kick off plan. I am looking forward to it, and I have done well already by walking 25 minutes this morning.
Now that is all, and I promise the pictures will be put up as soon as I can transfer them. Hope all of you had a great NYE, and please
vote for your favorite blogs at BoB, the best of blogs award site.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:08 AM
The beginning of a brand new year
2004 wrap up. It is really over isn't it?
I was going to write one of those end of year synopsis entries where I tell you all the things I remember about 2004 and it is just depressing as hell to be honest.
You don't really want to read about all of that because it saddens me to write it. So I won't do that.
I will say that of course we had our hard times in 2004, but some good things did come out of it:
We got Buckley
who really has been the saving grace of the year. We love him so much, I know, you can tell. Who has more pictures of their cat than they do anything else? We do.
Mr. ralph got serious about weight loss and is now a mere 6 kilos away from his goal, which helped me get closer to my goal by getting rid of his bad eating influences. Although if I were to come home and say, "Let's get a pizza!" He would still say, "Yeah sure!" Instead of, "How about we eat something less fattening."
I've been given a new contract at work that means I have stability while mr. ralph is looking for a university job over this next few months. This trust me is good because my job stability was looking shaky for a while when the workflow slumped dramatically about 6 months ago.
I have made some incredible friends that I met through work that have since become what I think will be lifelong mates as well as new blog friends.
We went to America and we got to see Boston, NYC, New Orleans, Washington DC, and San Francisco as well as visiting lots with my family. Mr. ralph got to meet more family members of mine and some childhood friends as well.
Mr. ralph has finished his thesis and is now jumping head first into looking for work and getting his resume in order. We will probably find ourselves moving to the States in 2005.
So there you have it. Only the good things.
I'm really looking forward to 2005. It is going to be my year, I have no doubt about that. Plus I turn 30. And unless I freak out and let the scary Three Ohhh get to me, it really has got to be my year.
Everyone with me on this?
Thought so.
Tomorrow I will have to tell you about my interesting NYE, it is worth waiting for, and possibly some new pictures.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:55 PM
Hi. This blog used to be all about weight loss, but now it is more.
i'm glad you met her too. her wisdom has reached far beyond what she likely ever thought. if you see her again, tell her a girl in canada says thanks.
good luck with boot camp!
What a beautiful post Rebeka.
I am so happy you were able to gain some perspective on what is and what is not important in life.
But, like the woman said, stress isn't beneficial for anyone, so if you don't follow the bootcamp perfectly, don't stress out too much :)
Sounds like a great plan Rebeka. I'll be supporting you!
And I'm so happy you ran into this gem of a lady. It is always a blessing when someone can "shake us out of our foul moods" by giving us a little perspective.
Feels like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders, right?
You have totally inspired me. I'm so glad you stopped by via Michele. I have blogrolled you, baby! I'm journeying myself and I need the inspiration. You did meet an angel today, and you shared her with me. Thank you!
Oh yes, I wouldn't mind hearing about that BootCamp... if you find the time.
"Strangers are family we have yet to meet." -- from The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom
Your story reminded me of that quote. :)
Just a little note to say good luck.
Just remember when you start feeling like you were, imagine in your head that you are seeing her walking up to the bus stop. Think of how happy you'll be feeling and grateful that you are getting another chance to talk to her.
It may sound cheesy, but it will help you move beyond any stinkin thinkin and prepare you for what you would want to say should you get the chance to see her again. And if you don't get to see her again, think of how your story might impact someone else.
Above all else, remember to smile, you know never know who's day you may make better for doing it.
Hello, Michele sent me. Yes, I'm still working on the 2nd round!! But I was on vacation, so that's my excuse!!
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