A summary of yesterday
The day started off really well because my body had somehow managed to go back to normal and I pulled out a one kilo loss for the week. I was very pleased with that, and the girls at my weight watcher's meeting had a present for me! I was soooooo surprised. I had invited them to come out for drinks with me and was pleased that they said they would come, they didn't have to buy me a present as well.
But they got me a beautiful vase. I haven't photographed it yet, but it is in the plans.
Friday night mr. ralph's friend that moved to Melbourne called and said he would be flying in and could come out as well to celebrate with me. It was very nice to see him.
The dinner went well, except the dish I ordered was a seafood soup which consisted of seafood floating in heavy cream; not the most weight-conscious choice, but I managed to eat the seafood and bits of potato and leave the cream behind, and it took over an hour for us to get our food from when we ordered.
After dinner we all went to fumo blu where the night really got interesting. The friend of mr. ralph's that I have had a lot of differences with managed to tell me how he thinks I am a good and loyal wife and he has decided that I am worthy of his trust. This was a good thing since a few months ago he told me he didn't think I was good enough for mr. ralph. He told me that he has really missed our company and apologized for what he said, although he didn't exactly remember saying those words. Alcohol was the reason behind both of these conversations, but I felt much better after we had this little chat. I don't and probably wont ever truly like this guy 100%, but at least he is trying.
I got told a billion times how gorgeous I look. Strangers even complimented me on the boa. You could say I was floating on top of the world with all the attention.
One of mr. ralph's friends kept saying how brilliant I looked over and over again. He said it so many times that at the end of the night he felt the need to clarify to us that he wasn't trying to crack on to me. It was nice to have all my hard efforts recognized. It was a sweet compliment, and I told him I knew him well enough to know he wouldn't try to have a go at his friend's wife.
A few people seemed to not enjoy themselves as much as everyone else did, but I told myself that I wasn't going to allow other people to bother me and let it ruin my night. I figure we are all adults and if they wanted to go somewhere else it wouldn't have bothered me. I truly just wanted people around me that wanted to be there.
I drank a little too much, and have eaten a horribly fatty lunch today, but I don't care. You only have a 30th birthday weekend once in your life. I will be pleased if I maintain my weight this week. I'm sure I'll eat healthy for the rest of it. In case there is now confusion, my birthday is on Monday the 28th, and it seems I get to celebrate a few times.
Now I will leave you with some of my favorite photos from the night.
Early in the night, me and mr. ralph's brother at dinner.
My second cocktail, called a Moulin Rouge. It was delish.
Me next to the aquarium. Very artsy shot.
Me and two of my girlfriends. Lovely girls they are.
Me and Dave at a place called "Elysium".
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
1:27 PM
Weigh-in Feb 27th
Unbelievably the scale changed dramatically over night and I lost a kilo this week, I am down to 68.9 as of this weigh-in.
I guess the 7 or 8 bottles of water I drank all day on Friday helped get rid of the water retention problem.
This means that from today I have only 6 kilos to go before I reach my Weight Watchers goal weight.
Wow.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:30 AM
Alright Brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
Ahh, what a long week. I'm so glad to be at home sitting here. You have no idea.
I just read the comment from
Silverella saying she missed my posts. It feels good to be missed, but to tell you the truth, I have not felt like writing. I haven't felt very much like myself this week, and today has got to be the worst day of all.
I am angry and have no idea in what direction to throw my anger. Have you ever felt that way? It is a ridiculous place to be in. The anger of course gets sent inward.
I was doing well with eating this week, I know I needed to be exercising, but I didn't feel like it. Every single day I felt accomplished to just get myself through the day, I just couldn't emotionally or physically handle taking on more than the normal work and eating/sleeping duties.
So you can imagine how surprised I was when my weight seemed to skyrocket over night. This morning I weighed myself and saw an unbelievable 70.2 on the scales. Mid-week I was weighting in at 69 kilos even, so I of course I thought I was doing okay. If I had seen that on Monday I wouldn't have really cared, except this isn't Monday, and I didn't even weigh myself on Monday because I know how Monday is around here. It is the 2nd day after the super high wendie point day and a spike in weight is almost guaranteed. But a Friday? Friday is the day before my official weigh-in and usually Friday's weight is a clear indication of what I have accomplished for the week.
What caused this weight gain? I don't know. It could be salt intake, water retention, who the fuck knows? All I know is it is ridiculous.
I may seem a bit dramatic, but I am at the end of my rope here. I am so tired of being happy go lucky and taking things in stride. I am SICK to death of this. I hate this last 15 pounds with such a passion that I could just scream.
Then on the way to work mr. ralph tells me that his brother's ex girlfriend is apparently having her 26th Birthday drinks at the same restayrabt that I am going for my 30th dinner on Saturday night because it the placed is a Restaurant/Pub in one. This means that his brother is going to try to juggle the two of us. Firstly, I dislike this girl. I have ever since the death of mr. ralph's father, and secondly she is an
ex-girlfriend and I don't want to share. I would rather he go to her stupid birthday than even bother trying to do both. Yes I know how incredibly selfish that sounds, but I am feeling
incredibly selfish.
I am missing home and friends and family too. I wish so much I could spend my birthday with my family and friends in the US, but I can't.
I think one girl from about 45 people I gave invites to at work may actually show up to the drinks. She is probably the only one I can say I truly get along with at work. I know I didn't really expect work people to come, but some secret part of me wished that more people would put forth an effort because I want to work on making friends with people from work. It is the only place from which I have to choose from.
It is so hard living here.
God, after 4 years you would think I could have made more friends than I have. I don't think I should write anymore. The mood is worsening and all I am doing is feeling sorry for myself.
What a way to go into this weekend, what a way to approach thirty.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:13 PM
An entry in 2 parts
Part I: The IntruderSo we are casually sitting watching TV on Sunday afternoon when mr. ralph notices something rather odd in our office and calls out to me.
"Hey, Bec, you have got to come and see this!"
Me: "What is it?"
Mr. Ralph: "Just come here, QUICK! You need to see what Buckley found."
Me: "Oh please don't tell me it is a spider...."
And low and behold what did I see? An intruder. Sitting in our office just as easy as you please was a siamese cat that lives a few houses down.
We were shocked and so was Buckley. Sometime during the day he came in through our back door which we had left ajar for Buckley. We have no idea how long he was there. I picked him up and although he let me put him outside, he was not happy with it. Siamese cats really don't like people they don't know touching them.
Bucks on the other hand was pretty calm. All he did was thoroughly inspect the room for about 15 minutes afterwards making sure he was gone.
I still can't believe the cat was probably in our house for most of the afternoon, even while the 3 of us had a nap and Buckley didn't even notice he was there. All I can guess is he followed Buckley home and wandered in and fell asleep. Sort of like Goldilocks.
Part II: The Beautiful Place called Waterfall GullyThe following pictures were taking on our hike this Sunday. As you can see, the views are well worth the sweat.
And finally, if you aren't sick of it already, here is a picture taking this morning of how my hair ended up:
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:39 PM
I could just kick myself
So yesterday I kept staring in the mirror at my hair and thought if I could just lighten it one more shade it would look right and mr. ralph would like it too. So I did the stupidest thing in the world. I bought another bleach from the store and completely forgot that since the last thing I did was colour it ash blonde, all the bleach would do is strip the ash blonde off the top of my ugly, pineapple yellow hair.
And that is what happened. It looked worse than it was before. I should have just listened to all of you, and my inner voice to leave well enough alone, but in desperation to fix it all I coloured my hair an auburn/brownish color last night. It looks good. I've had this color a million times, and of course mr. ralph said, "Now you look more like ms. ralph". And a part of me knew exactly what he was saying, because although I liked the look of blonde, every time I saw myself in the mirror I wasn't comfortable with my reflection.
I don't think I'm ready for it. I kept thinking about all the attention it was going to get at work and I was afraid.
Delving deeper this is a lot of the reason why I stayed fat for so long. Being thin brings attention I don't want.
It is a good thing the hair is short because it will probably fall out soon.
So I'm not cut out to be blonde, at least not this time. Next time I consider it I will make sure I am willing to spend the money at the salon.
But trust me, although it is undocumented, the Frenchie (from Grease) look is not for me. I looked silly.
We went for a hike yesterday up Waterfall Gully. Later on today maybe I can put up some gorgeous outdoor pics. But I went in shorts and the pictures of me are quite disturbing. I feel like such a fat pig in shorts because of my problem areas. I shudder to look at them.
I feel like I look amazing in pants and longer skirts, but shorts are definitely not attractive on me, especially not the ones I was wearing yesterday. I don't think I'll share those pictures.
The hike was hard and it felt really good to be moving and sweating. We had to stop several times to slow our hearts and catch our breaths, but I loved it. I think I'm off to a good start on the week except the eating could have been better yesterday. We finally received a package in the mail from my brother that he sent over a month ago and inside it he had my favorite chips and some cookies mr. ralph likes. I ate a handful of each, but that alone was too much for the day.
It was a good thing we hiked.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:09 AM
Be quiet, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip
I feel pretty bad about the weight gain, although I didn't really want to admit it. The main reason it bothers me is now it will take me another week longer to get down to my goal weight. I know it takes a long time to lose weight, hell, I've been doing this for 3 years, but I am seriously just sick of it. I want to get there and start worrying about maintenance. You know what I mean?
Anyway, so I was a tad bit blue about that. But I'm also upset about money. I hate watching every penny and because we have my Birthday drinks this coming Saturday that is what I have to do. I don't want to be worried about how many cocktails I can buy because it is my Birthday! I know someone may be willing to buy me a few, but it is not the point.
Also, mr. ralph really doesn't like my new hair color and last night I thought I'd ask him to see if it was just going to take some getting used to and he said, "I really don't like it." That is it folks. He hates it. And it took me practically all damn day on Friday to get it this way, plus I bought some expensive blonde shampoo yesterday to help (so they say) tone down any brassiness, and he hates it.
But you know what? I say stuff it. I am not going to color over it for him.
I mean, if I looked cheap and tawdry or just plain horrible wouldn't one of you guys tell me? Say you would. Even if it is in an email. If one of you agrees with mr. ralph and you think it really doesn't suit me, drop me a line. Otherwise I will be blonde, at least for a few weeks. When it is time to do the regrowth I will then need help, maybe the professional kind, and I will have to make a choice at that point if it is worth the investment to keep it this way.
I am a bit nervous about going to work on Monday because I know a dramatic change like this will get lots of attention. I'm not that sure I am up for that.
The masseuse from David Jones is expensive, but because I already had the appointment I went. From all the stress over the week I really needed it. This guy is amazing, really amazing. He did tell me that he felt I've improved since a few weeks ago when he massaged me, and he did some reflexology on me. He told me he will email me the chart so I can do some of it at home. He is a very genuine guy and seems to actually care about the person he is massaging. I'm not just a paycheck and that is why I like him so much.
I may have to wait a month or more before I can go back to see him, and in the meantime get a few from the massage students who only charge $25 for a full body massage.
Right now it is of course Sunday morning and I didn't actually sleep in. My body wakes up on the dot 7:30 like some kind of robot. I wish I could sleep in, but it probably wouldn't do me well when I have to get up before the sun does to go to work tomorrow. This is my last part-time week at work and I know that when I am doing 8 hour days the stress is only going to get worse. Wish me luck with the stress management. Seems stress not weight is the biggest issue in my life a the moment. And I know exercise should help relieve stress. I am going to try my hardest to make this a better week.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:58 AM
Blondes have more fun
First let me get this weigh-in out of the way. I gained 400 grams, no big surprise there. It was not a good week. I now weigh 69.9 kilos. I have to organise myself better this week. Being on my period didn't help matters I'm sure.
But in other news I have some new pictures. I feel like now that I'm thinner I'm always in front of the camera. But this time you will see, I am a blonde. I did this myself, and although it is more yellow than I'd like I think it turned out okay for a home job.
Here I am with a friend who was over last night for pizza (homemade) and movies. I like this one because I think my legs actually look thinner than I imagine them to be.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:23 AM
Period bloat
Oh yes I know. Everyone's favorite subject. But I can't help myself. I have to discuss it. I have gained a kilo overnight of bloat. It doesn't help that I had pasta and some of mr. ralph's evil fried rice for dinner last night, at 8:30 because I worked until 7:30.
It doesn't help that there is an enormous amount of sodium in black bean sauce no matter how yummy and how many vegetables you have them put in.
It doesn't help at all.
So I am wondering. Should I use the no-weigh card tomorrow so that the bloat will not ruin my mood?
I don't know. All I know to do is drink a shit-load of water today and hope for the best.
In other,
better news, I am going on a two-night stay in the
Mclaren Vale for my anniversary on Easter weekend.
I am so excited! We went there last year but were unable to stay because we made our plans last minute. This time however, we called the
Mclarens on the Lake Resort and booked a two-night romantic package. They even have a
panoramic view. It looks peaceful.
We get to eat in their restaurant for 2-courses and have a breakfast hamper delivered to our room all-inclusive in the price.
I am such a lucky girl.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:01 AM
Bootcamp, What bootcamp?
I've done 2 whole workouts this week. That's right, 2. One cardio workout on Monday morning, and I did some strength exercises yesterday afternoon. My husband did ask me this afternoon if I wanted to go for a walk and I turned him down.
I am miserably tired. I feel like all of my energy is sapped from me at work at the moment and I have nothing else to give.
The good news is I've kept to my eating plan for the most part and hopefully that will enable me to still have a weight loss this week.
If I don't step it up I won't be able to reach my goal by the end of March like I so badly want to do.
I've received a few comments at work about how nice I'm looking lately, but nothing would be sweeter than reaching my goal by my anniversary.
I know that when I am this tired it wouldn't really benefit my health to push myself to exercise; I know I need to be good to my body, but I wish that it wasn't this way.
I want so badly to be able to do it all.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:32 PM
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
Thanks to everyone who complimented the pictures from the weekend. You know how to make a girl blush.
We enjoyed our dinner and then we actually got to hear
hairy lemon again because they were playing across the street from where we ate. It was a total coincidence.
I'm still in a lot of pain in my shoulders and I know it is from the tension at work. I spoke again to my team leader yesterday and he doesn't really take my complaints about getting help seriously because in his words, he is not getting that feedback from anyone else. Just because I am the only one that ever speaks up about anything. Everyone else is just scared shitless.
He did tell me that there are no time restraints placed on me when I am doing that particular job, so I am to take my time and not let call quality or anything bother me. This is very easy for him to say in theory, but when you have someone waiting on the phone it is just your instinct to try to help them in a timely manner.
All I can do is try to keep myself calm and when I feel the stress getting high, take an extended break off the phone.
I have a massage booked for Saturday. I hope it is enough to help reduce the pain.
I'm not doing that good with the exercise this week. I did go for a run/walk yesterday morning for 5 laps. But I was just too exhausted this morning. I slept in a little extra and my eyes are still stinging from the tiredness. I will try to get out tonight after the sun goes down. Maybe just for a walk with mr. ralph. I should also do my strength exercises.
For Valentine's Day I had flowers waiting for me at home. It was quite unexpected since he bought me the new shoes from the pictures as my pressie, but it was a good surprise. He got me two arrangements, one is just a bunch of pink and white tulips. They are absolutely beautiful.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:34 AM
Say Cheese
I wanted to share some photos from our date last night. Not a full entry yet, my head hurts.
I actually like the way I look here. The dress is an AU size 12.
A close up on the new shoes.
The light in this one adds to the vintage look of it.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:23 AM
Work makes me sick, quite literally
It is 7:30 on Saturday morning and I should be sleeping since I was out last night until 2:30 am to hear
Hairy Lemon play. But instead I am here, awake, and consumed with thoughts about work.
Work should not be on my mind on a Saturday, especially when I should be sleeping. It is just wrong.
I actually cried last night when I was telling mr. ralph about how work is making me feel. I feel like crying right now.
For the past two days I've been asked to assist in an area that I am not an expert in. Actually to be honest they trained me for two days about a year ago and have left me to sink or swim. The thing is they have these people called Work Place Trainers that are meant to be available to me (or anyone else) that needs help, but when I go to them for help I am always greeted with a shrug, a slight eye-roll, or they outright ignore me and I feel guilty for interrupting them.
I tried to tell my team leader how I was feeling yesterday but all he could say to me was how it shouldn't be that way. Well, I
know it shouldn't be that way, but it
is.
I also shouldn't be full of stress and back pain because my job is actually making me sick either, but I am.
I know I need to address the issue again, but I don't really want to. I can see my team leader's face now and I wish I could just do my job and not be plagued with this. I have a feeling that I will be asked to do this more and more and I can't have this kind of stress hanging over me.
I know that I have a personal problem with asking for help, and yes that is my problem, but it becomes a serious issue when the people who are meant to be helping me make me feel as if they'd rather be watching paint dry than attend to my "stupid" questions. They actually make me feel like a fool.
This really sucks, and I doubt that my complaints will be taken seriously. I don't think anything is going to change and that is the worse part.
I need to find a way to not take it personally and still do my job without getting stressed out like this.
Any ideas?
I'm blank.
Weigh-in update:Today I weighed in at 69.5/ 153 (good to be back in the 60's) and had a lost of 700 grams/1.5 pounds.
I believe the result was a combination of exercise and the Wendie Plan, and thanks to the loss I'm going to do it again this week. As long as I'm losing, me and the Wendie Plan will remain friends.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:42 AM
On getting older
Email to my brother:
Can you believe I turn 30 soon?
I'm scared. Will I live through it?
His reply:
I did, so you should be alright. I had a really bad time with 30. I think it
is when you finally realize two things for the first time.
1. You are not a kid anymore.
2. You are going to die at some piont.
Be light in your heart and heavy on the love for people in your life and I
promise that you will be alright.
Love ya,
ms ralph's brother
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:21 AM
Sometimes a Doughnut is just a Doughnut
I think the craving for a doughnut began on the weekend. I'm not sure what I was doing, probably watching TV, but I wanted one. What I should have done is got one on my Super High Point day and been done with it, but I didn't.
I even remember telling mr. ralph that I wanted one and he chirped in, "me too." But we didn't buy one. I looked at the grocery store but all they had was the 6-pack, and I couldn't see wasting the others. And The coffee shop next to our grocery store was closed.
The past chapter I've read of
the book is about legalizing food. The authors suggest that in order to conquer our fear of food we need to legalize it. They say we should go and buy large quantities (an amount that you won't be able to consume in a matter of days) of foods that you had once called "forbidden" and that by being surrounded by an ample supply we will eventually stop craving it.
This approach actually sounds like it may work. But I still don't think I am willing to go out and buy 5 bags of dorritos and a few dozen doughnuts.
But what I did do yesterday when I got to work is buy myself a chocolate covered doughnut. I was still craving it, and I was actually hungry. I ate it and enjoyed every mouthful, I feel freed of the desire for it now.
I did an experiment in the morning and ate a bowl full of
weetbix (healthy fiber-rich low gi cereal) with skim milk instead of my regular serving of protein for breakfast. I did this to see if I was actually satisfied longer on protein. And the result? Eggs and bacon or lean sausages for breakfast really do keep my hunger at bay for a lot longer than the same amount of points for a high-fibre cereal breakfast.
I don't even remember how many weight watcher points doughnuts are, I know their on the high end, but somehow I don't care. [
postscript - large doughnuts are 7 1/2 points, and I still managed to stay within my allotted points for the day]
I've got a gripe about
Weight Watchers. You know lately there are a bunch of newbies at my WW meeting and I'm getting a little frustrated.
Over the past month, I arrive at my normal time of 9:30 (when the meeting starts), and end up in line for the entire time. At one time I'd get there and be weighed in and sit down with time to spare before the leader began her spiel. I know I should try to come earlier, but something tells me it won't make much difference. I'll still be waiting in a long line.
And what about the topics? Choosing low-fat snacks?
Um, I think I'm way past that ladies.
Why can't we have a WW meeting specifically designed for those of us who have been members for 6 months or more where you aren't allowed to attend if you are a new member? That would be heaven! We could all talk about the challenges you face as you begin to see real differences in your body, and the woes of trying to lose those last few kilos.
I'm thinking of writing the head office to see if this idea can at least be given some thought at their next leaders meeting. I'm sure there are enough of us that would be interested in attending this separate meeting a little later in the day on Saturday if they could/would devote the leaders to work it.
I'd even be interested in working it!
The team leader at work I despise sent an email I'd written her to my team leader during the week. Admittedly the way I wrote the email was very brass and you can tell that I was a bit ticked off when I wrote it. But I was pretty surprised that she sent it to him, I hadn't even noticed the CC line with his name on it.
We had our one on one yesterday and I got to hear about how he thinks I need to work on my communication skills. It is just her. I absolutely can't stand her and I think my communication skills are fine with everyone else.
In the end after about an hour (we should only take 30 mins) he told me that he thinks I am a passionate person. After he said that, I began to think. I do believe that is a great word to describe me.
But I am beginning to think that my employer is going to try to come up with any reason not to allow me to apply for the new complex role.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:53 AM
AHHH. Donuts. . . What can't they do?
So, things are going good. The
Wendie Plan has yet to convince me that it will work for me. I found it difficult to eat the super high points on Saturday (30) and then very hard to eat the super low points yesterday (14).
Maybe it is all in my subconscious. I have eaten as few as 14 points before without really aiming for it, and I wasn't starving. I never heard my tummy rumble. It is just that I wanted an extra treat after dinner and I couldn't.
Deprivation. There is something radical about how it shapes our minds.
In looking at the entry from
Put Down The Donut about the Wendie Plan I am now confused as to what my Wendie points plan should be. They have the 20-point range eating more than 140 points for the week and I thought I needed to stay within 140 points. If anyone in Australia is following the Wendie Plan, would you help me!
Oh and I almost forgot to mention the new rule of my diet. I cannot weigh myself on a Monday if I used the super high point day on the weekend. This is just discouraging.
My exercise plan is going well. On Saturday we walked to the movies and back (45 minutes each way), and then Monday I woke up at 5:30 and did my jog/walk routine. I added an extra lap to make it 5 this week. Then yesterday afternoon when I got home from work I did 30 minutes of strength exercises which I will complete every other day.
This morning I've already finished my 5 laps. I notice that when I am jogging I feel like the back of my throat is going to dry up completely. I need to carry a water bottle with me, or at least have a glass of water before going.
I haven't finished the book I bought last week yet,
When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies: Freeing Yourself From Food and Weight Obsession by Jane R. Hirschman and Carol H. Munter.
What I am about to say is no rave review of what I have read either because the more I read, the angrier I get.
What bothers me most about this book is how the authors promote that being overweight is okay, regardless of health considerations. Also their biggest declaration is that every "bad body thought", ie: calling yourself fat, huge, ugly etc. is not related to our bodies at all, but is the result of something else we aren't feeling or thinking.
That one is very hard to swallow. I know that sometimes I berate myself for feeling fat when I am just having a bad day, but I don't think that every time I think I hate my thighs it is misdirected anger.
I actually had an argument with mr. ralph on Saturday when we were walking home because I was telling him about the book and I was defending what I wanted the book to be about.
When I bought the book I thought it would give practical advice to women who suffer from compulsive eating disorders (well, that is what the title implied), but all it really turns out to be is a shameless way of promoting Body/Size Acceptance with their "No more diets!" "No more self-contempt!" "No more efforts to make myself over in his (or anyone else's) image!" logic.
Over and over again it says we should ask ourselves the question,
"who says being fat is wrong?" My two cents: We don't have to think that we are wrong, to recognize we are
unhealthy.
In one section they say, "All of the diets and exercise programs that evolve from self-hatred are doomed to failure."
What about diets and exercise programs borne out of an actual desire to be healthier, and loving yourself by eating healthy, and exercising to become strong?
Now, I don't have a problem with women being a normal size (12-14) that is, if they are healthy. I don't advocate women desperately dieting to obtain some ideal bodyweight that they will possibly never achieve, but I do not see the rationale in telling a woman who may be obese and jeopardizing her health that she should forget about dieting and accept her size.
Of course the authors say that in doing this you may (emphasis on may) magically learn to eat the right amount and therefore eventually lose weight.
I have to say that the more I read this book, the more vehemently I disagree with these author's logic.
I still need to finish it because I am hoping that something, anything will begin to make since to me.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:23 AM
Memory Lane in pictures
I was bored this morning and looking at my old websites and decided to post some pictures of myself through the years.
Please take a trip with me down memory lane. I have to apologize firstly that I don't have full body pics to show you because back when I posted these pics on the internet I was damn sure that no one was seeing the real 'fat' me.
In looking at the way I edited these pictures I can see how much I was ashamed of my body.
I cleverly show almost nothing except my face. The original un-cut pictures may still exist on our other PC, but alas it is broken and I haven't access to them. So here we go, prepare yourself for a bumpy ride.
1993, The year I graduated high-school. I'm pretty sure this hair-style was actually cool back then, and the shirt I cannot be blamed for. My mother chose it, and although you can't see it, I am wearing a short purple suede skirt that I
had to have. I thought I was fat, but I probably was a normal weight.
Next stop 1997, I have really dark hair although I wasn't into the goth look. My roommate at the time needed to take a picture of herself for thing or another and we goofed around taking shots of ourselves. I think I was about a size 14, I can't really be sure.
Now we arrive in 1999. I am standing next to one of my old roommates from college and one of my dearest friends at the time. She no longer is in contact with me, and that is another long story altogether. I do miss her sometimes still. That hair is awful, and my face even worse. I don't like anything about this picture. I know I was a size 14 then because I had just lost some weight and
just bought a size 14 jeans for that camping trip.
This is the last of those from 1999 and probably my favorite picture of myself. I don't think I'm very thin, but I loved my hair. I wish I could go back in time and talk myself out of ever changing it.
As you can see in this one taken in 2000, the weight had just begun to pile on. I believe the jean size here is a 16, and the pudgy cheeks really give it away. The guy in the picture was cut out on purpose. He is a slimebag to end all slimebags. Again, another story.
Another one in 2000, and that year was one of the worst years of my life; I gained a lot of weight. In this picture I am still very heavy, but this was done with a webcam at my friend's house in Germany and I only like it because I loved the red hair and thought my face somehow had a thin appearance. If you could see the full length photos of this time you probably would congratulate me on how cleverly I disguised all that weight in this photograph.
Here I am taking a picture to show mr. ralph across the miles. This was just after I started losing some of the weight, and since then I have been either maintaining or losing slowly to get to where I am today. I liked the hair, but again you can see how badly I want to hide the fat.
This is me and mr. ralph at mardi gras in New Orleans in the spring of 2001. I have almost completely cut myself out of the photo. Of course this is because I couldn't bear to look at myself. Pictures really do tell a story, and these tell the sad story of how much I disliked myself back then.
And lastly one from 2001 after I moved in with mr. ralph here in Australia. I was down to a US size 16, and an AU size 18 then. Seems like so long ago.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:15 AM
Weigh-in Feb 5th
I weigh-in at 70.2 kilos this week, and that is up 300 grams from my last official recorded weight.
It wasn't so bad. It did hurt a little to go back into the 70's, but I was very successful in the latter part of the week at taking off some of what I had gained.
Technically I lost 600 grams since Monday (on my scale that is), and I am very pleased with that.
I have been shopping like crazy lately, but mostly at the salvos and Goodwill. I've found great tops and a nice jean skirt that replaces the too big one I've got on sale at the consignment store. People are cleaning out their wardrobes over here like crazy, possibly because we are nearing the end of the summer season in a few weeks time and they are making room for new purchases.
I feel guilty for all the money I've been spending, but we went a few weeks there were money was so tight that I had to scrimp to buy a coffee.
I know when I'm overshopping, even though we do have the extra cash at the moment because we got our tax money, so I need to put my blinders on for a while.
I did get a new boa/scarf thing from
Sportsgirl to wear next weekend on our Valentines date. I will take a picture that night so you guys can see it, and I told mr. ralph that I want a new pair of heels I've been eyeing as my Valentine present. I know it is not very romantic to tell your man exactly what to get you, but it saves him spending money on me, and then me buying them for myself.
I can finally sit down without wincing, but the pain is still pretty bad in my legs. Yesterday I know I looked funny walking because it hurt so bad. I know it is good for me though, so I will probably do them again (sigh) and keep doing them at least 3 times a week (I'm talking squats and lunges here).
We're going to the movies this afternoon and we are actually going to walk there. So, no I can't wear any of my cute shoes, but I will get a workout in on a Saturday and that has been non-existent for a few months now.
I also have purchased a little tackle box thingy to put all my beads and jewelry making stuff in. This week I've made 3 necklaces and 1 pair of earrings. I am really into it. It is not a bad hobby to have since it keeps me from snacking in front of the TV because I have my hands full, and need concentration. But, I also can't watch anything too involved on TV either...
I want to talk about the book I'm reading now, but I don't really know how to compose it yet. You see, at times I'm having an argument in my head with the writers because I'm in complete disagreement, and other times I'm nodding my head saying, "that is so true."
I will need to finish this one I think before I venture into writing about it.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
4:21 PM
Ouch.........
I hurt everywhere, but especially in my thighs. I now recall why I hated doing lunges and squats so much in the past.
I couldn't sleep last night and right now I am so tired. I have to go back to the hell hole (work) today and am hoping that I am blessed with all the pleasant calls.
I had to laugh at myself yesterday at the Border's cash register because I bought a book titled, "When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies: Freeing Yourself From Food and Weight Obsession," along side a Self Magazine I bought specifically because the cover says something about "The New Body Type Workout".
Weight obsessed much?
Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this book. You know I'll probably be blogging about my revelations before too long.
I did however get up at 5:30 today and go out for a jog/walk. I've decided not to worry about the duration in time, but to add an extra lap every few days. Right now I'm doing 4 laps and I think it takes me around 20 minutes.
My body hurts. I think I already said that.
I bought a pair of Adidas workout pants that are really tight around the bum and thighs but as I do my workout I can feel it and it motivates me. I can't wait until they're looser because then I will know my efforts have paid off. I have a pair of adidas shorts that were tight in the same place that fit now, and hopefully in a few weeks time the same will happen with these ones.
Thanks for all the compliments on the new design. As you may have noticed I get bored and like to change things from time to time.
I have my weigh-in tomorrow and am expecting to be up around 6-700 grams from my last recorded weigh-in. That is the result of 2 weeks of slacking off. Tonight though, I am going out to dinner because out-of-town family will be here. I've already decided I am ordering a warm chicken salad, and will not eat any bread or pasta. Great eh? If I'm really hungry I may eat a minestrone soup as well, we will have to wait and see.
I am planning ahead! Wow, look at me.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:19 AM
What about those red balls they have on car aerials so you can spot your car in a park. I think all cars should have them!
I woke up to a cold and wet morning. I am not up for walking/jogging out in the rain so I haven't exercised yet. Of course my attitude stinks and I had to reread the post from Monday at least twice.
Yesterday was my high-point day and for dinner I made pizzas, including the base! And I ate an entire pizza that was 9 1/2 points, it was yummy. And quite low when you think about the alternative of ordering out for one.
I'm really hoping this
Wendie Plan works because the scale has not budged in the past 3 days. I'm still almost a kilo over my last recorded weight at
Weight Watchers, which was where I found myself on
Monday morning much to my dismay.
I know this could be because I ate the pizza around 8pm and flour has a way of sticking to me and not going anywhere for a while. Maybe that is why I feel so good when I go no-carb because carbs make me bloat.
Only a few weeks ago I was on top of the world and totally convinced that this remainder weight was going to just fall off in time for my anniversary on March 29. But it doesn't look like it is going to be easy for me.
I have some inside exercises I can do from my adapted bootcamp plan, and I also could ride the dinosaur incumbent bike for cardio if I really want to. Although I know it is not the best for big thighs, it will burn some energy. I just need to get my head around this. I need to accept the situation for what it is. What did I expect, that 800 grams was just going to disappear after a few days of eating right and exercising? I know better than that. It was a stupid idea to weigh myself this morning anyway. It is so defeatist.
Did I tell you guys that mr. ralph got the TA position he wanted at the University? In my self-absorbed state I think I forgot to mention that bit of great news. It isn't as high of pay as he thought it would be, but it is nearly twice what he was making as a regular tutor. This is definitely going to give us some breathing room, and look fantastic on his resume.
I also found some bargains yesterday at
Kmart. I got a cute underwire
Kayser bra for only $8, normal price was $22! I also bought a nice
white bonds hoodie that was also a steal at half-price, and it is a size 10. My bra-size has decreased an entire cup size (whisper: now size 12B) and I really needed a new sexy bra. I have a few in my current size that are great for the everyday wear, but a girl needs something pretty.
Here is the recipe for 2 pizza bases (each base is 6 1/2 points on the WW AU plan):
Ingredients:
2 Cups All Purpose Flour
1 sachet yeast (7 or 8 grams)
1/2 teaspoon sugar (you can use splenda)
pinch of salt
2 tablespoons olive oil
You mix the yeast, sugar, and salt in 3/4 cups of warm water and cover with plastic wrap for 5 minutes, making sure you see bubbles on the surface which lets you know if your yeast is active.
Then you mix the flour, oil, and yeast mixture together with your hands and then knead the dough on a floured surface for about 8 minutes, or until the dough is elastic. (If you can put your finger on it and the indentation bounces back your done.)
Then you cut it in half and then roll each individual base out. It doesn't have to be made into a round pizza either. You also don't have to roll it out too far, once you place it on your pan it can then be pressed with your fingers until it reaches the edges.
It is a thin crust, but it is yummy, and it takes only 20 minutes to bake.
If you make it let me know! Toodles.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:27 AM
Day 2 of Bootcamp
So this bootcamp thing I got from the magazine looked okay at first, but when I tried it out last night along with mr. ralph we soon found out that it is much too difficult and complicated for my particular health limitations. It has lots of jumping about and the back of our place is concrete. The doctor said I could add jogging and skipping in small increments
but on soft ground.
So was it discouraging? A little. But did I let it stop me? No!
I got up this morning and decided I will find a new routine for my bootcamp by scouring all my mags today and trying out the exercises before I put them on my list so I know I can accomplish what I set out to do.
I was able to get in a 20 minute workout this morning before the rain set in. I alternated jogging for 2 minutes and walking for 4, and some skipping. It felt good. And I remember from Body For Life that 20 minutes can be a great workout if you push yourself. I will try to get a second session in this afternoon if the rain lets up.
In other news work yesterday was shitty.
I woke up in a grumpy mood, probably from lack of sleep more than anything else as my cat has been driving us up the wall with wanting to go outside. We don't really like letting him out when it is dark still as he has been going in the neighbors yards and since
that story broke about the kitten in Sydney that was tortured by some boys and caught on tape there has been a string of copycat incidents all over Australia. Just a few days ago in a park near our home they found half of a cats body. Pretty scary stuff, and sadistic as well.
By the way if you were wondering,
Shelley was adopted by the policewoman who found her.
But as I was saying the cat no matter how much I love him drives me absolutely insane in the morning. This morning thank god I didn't have to work because he woke me at 3am! It gets earlier and earlier every day.
So work was very busy as well. We had a lot of people off sick or just off and the calls kept pouring in. My stats were the worst ever, but what can I say, my bad days are akin to most people's good days. I know that is bragging, but it really is true. It is just that I need to maintain a certain level in order to be eligible for the raise I want in March.
And the problems were awful. The new service levels that were put in place back on the 19th are starting to bite us all in the ass. I am being forced to give bad customer service and getting rewarded for it. A particular call that I had monitored by a coach received me a 100% score when a few weeks ago it would have been a failed call. None of it makes any sense to me. A topic I'm sure my team leader is dying to hear about when I have my one on one next week. I have to say what I think because I'm not good at being apathetic, especially when it affects my stats.
Oh well, you do what you can.
I can't believe this weather. I had my electric blanket on when I went to bed last night! Crazy.
Also, I have something to confess. I am in love with
footballers wive$, that's the most talked about British Soap/Drama if you haven't heard. I know, it is a disgrace, but it is true. Last night I watched the final episode of season 2 and cannot wait for the next season to air on regular tv here so I'm having my brother in law record the first of season 3 from foxtel as mr. ralph said it is airing tonight! Mr. ralph asked me who my favorite character is and I of course love Tanya.
It is not that I have anything in common with her, but I just love her bitchiness. She is one she-devil and if I could be a bitch I would want to be her. I haven't even finished the first season as I just discovered it a few weeks ago, but I'm filling in the pieces as I go. Mr. ralph did buy me the first season on DVD and I've only watched one episode. So there you go. I love this soap. Will you forgive me?
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:27 AM
Hi. This blog used to be all about weight loss, but now it is more.
Congratulations, and happy birthday! You look lovely and radiant, just as a woman in her 30's should look.
Glad to hear you had such a fun night. As anon said, you look radiant, such a dazzling smile. Btw mr ralph's brother is a hottie.
See? Everything turned out great...and you looked hot babe! And also had a great loss too!!!
*hugs*
I particularly liked the "artsy" photo!!!!
Happy birthday Doll!
You look stunning and radiating happiness!
Mr Ralphs brother is indeed a hottie!
Happy Birthday to US!!!! (Thought I'd get that one in now, since I may be suddenly wisked away on a red-eye to Vegas to celebrate the day...well, I can dream, can't I?)
So glad it turned out well. You look great - Happy Birthday!
Happy Belated Birthday, sorry I'm late. It looks like you had a great night - you looked gorgeous. Absolutely glowing! :)
Happy Happy Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woo! Happy Birthday!! Looking great and eating well are great gifts, so I'm with you -- don't knock it. The decade birthdays deserve a little extra celebration. :)
I have to agree with everyone here, you really did look amazing! Happy Birthday!
You look fabulous! Love the collar bones :)
Happy Belated BDay btw.
You are glowing with beauty, girl!!! Happy birthday!
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