Weigh-in May 28th
Remember how I wanted to be at goal by May 20th? Bah!
I had a disappointing weigh-in today by gaining back 200 grams. I now weigh 65.2 kilos. It could be a lot worse though because mid-week I was up 2 kilos!
I have a confession to make. Winter is my worst season. All I want to do is eat. Being cold makes me feel awful and I think that I must have experienced a lot of trauma during colder months because I always feel more susceptible to overeating for emotional reasons.
Also warmer food = more kilojoules. This is fact. When I eat my trusty salads and tinned fish like salmon or tuna, I always end up craving something thick and warm instead like toasted bread or a big bowl of fat laden creamy soup that they serve up in our canteen.
I have been making very low-Cal veggie soups for the past two weeks, but I've failed to be successful this week with my weight loss because I ate like a pig last weekend and no amount of cutting back during the week could save me.
Plus I hate winter exercise. All I want to do is cocoon myself in warm clothes and sit where it is warm, preferably drinking hot chocolate...
Is this all sounding like a gigantic moan fest? Well it is in a way, because I don't know if I will reach my goal during this winter. Surely 2 kilos can't be that hard to lose after all I've already lost? A guy in my meeting this week has been on the WW program for something like 5 weeks and he told me this week he lost 2.4 kilos, and that was without exercise!
Stupid men and their wonderful metabolisms.
I've already indulged on my breakfast at our local Billy Baxters with a chicken/cheese/avocado doorstop and a side of fries. It is my super high point day, and the best day to overindulge is right after a weigh in because it is the furthest away from the next one, but something tells me that if I don't plan my week carefully with lots of 0 to low point warm food options I will be right back in this same spot next weekend.
At least my brain is ticking and I'm aware of all the pitfalls. Now I just need to make up my mind that I will not let circumstance or the season get the better of me.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:24 AM
Rainy day Friday
So it is Friday morning and of course you know I jumped on the scale first thing. I've had a pretty up and down week because I was so excited on Saturday when I lost the 800 grams that I then proceeded to eat and eat and eat.
This is just one of those things though. I know that next week I will get back on track and before long I will be at goal and still I will have weeks like this. My weight is not going to magically stablilze. But don't I wish it would?
I'm still mulling over this fat versus skinny feeling I have about myself. Yesterday I tried on a size 10 short jean skirt and cringed at the cellulite and fatty bits I could see on my legs. I know that if I had on black tights it wouldn't look
that bad and even though the skirt was a steal at $10 because it was the last one she had in stock I still didn't buy it because the gremlins in my head were going working over time convincing me I looked like a fat cow in it.
Usually I can put these voices at bay because in pants I know I look great. I know that I will never have matchstick pins, this is a fate I've already accepted, but I still should feel comfortable in skirts.
I'm hoping that by summertime I will have worked through this issue and have conquered my fat head.
Now for why I have been stressed out lately. This will get personal, you've been warned. I had some problems in the girly department last week. Needless to say because I was raped when I was younger my overactive imagination helped me proceed to freak out. I called my sister who told me to calm down because it was probably just a yeast infection.
Yeast eh? I've never had one before, had no clue what it was so I looked it up and some of the symptoms were the same and some weren't. I went to the doctor though, and that was last Thursday. I explained to her my fears because of the rape and she took some swabs and said she would test me for everything, but again told me not to worry.
But if you've seen one thing about me from this blog it is that I don't calm down easily. I've been worried all week. Yesterday waiting for my results I thought I was going to hurl just from the nerves. But thankfully I only have Thrush, aka a yeast infection. How I managed to make it until the ripe old age of 30 without ever having one is beyond me, but I am so relieved.
She said that the test results revealed no nasties.
Sigh.
I've been worried that that asshole gave me something since I was 18. I've already had 2 HIV tests and because these things can be
silent I've always worried that one day... you know.
What a weight lifted off my chest.
And if that wasn't enough, mr. ralph had an endoscopy on Monday because of the pain he has been having. It seems that it is not reflux, but he has scaring and damage in his esophagus that they have done a biopsy on. We still do not know the results and he even as I write this is still having a lot of pain. The anti-acid prescription that we've spent $30 on has done absolutely nothing for him. And of course I am worried. I just want it to be something manageable and for him to have some relief.
Please keep my hubs in your thoughts.
And lastly I've tried my hand at designing
argy's site and it seems it was a success, so now I am working on a design for
airlie. If anyone else would like a ms. ralph design, drop me an email and we can talk about it.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:18 AM
Embarrassed
I don't have a lot of time to update because I crazily agreed to work an hour over-time this morning.
Things have been hectic in my personal life. I have to update everyone when I get a lot more time to sit and write.
Thanks so much for all your compliments on the dress, and my (smile) legs. I still read most of them and think, "oh they're just saying those things to be nice." Why? Because I still don't like my legs very much.
Yesterday I wore an above the knee skirt but with dark leggings and the woman who sits next to me gave me a nudge and a giggle and said, "Wow look at you in your little skirt!" When I walked away going towards the break room I thought, "Was she implying that I shouldn't wear this?" I know she wasn't, but that is how insecure I am about these legs!
Ok, one last thing I literally have to rush now, I redesigned
Argy's site for her. Go check her out!
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:32 AM
Saturday's Weigh-in
This week I lost a whopping 800 grams, I now weigh 65 kilos, and am only 2 kilos away from goal.
Last night I went to a friends 21st/engagement party and the compliments kept pouring in. It felt so good. My friend Sarah even said I had skinny legs, I don't know about that... but it was the first time I've ever worn a dress above my knee and didn't feel like a fat blob.
I'm very happy about the 800 gram loss from last week. Although I did drink a lot, and I ate a lot of junk food yesterday, so I'm treading lightly today with my headache. I plan to eat lightly too, because I need to go into damage control so this week wont be ruined.
Here is a picture from last night. And the three of us all wore purple and this was not planned.
Here is one that shows my silhouette, although not a great shot. I wanted you to see the dress!
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:44 AM
Butterflies
As some of you may know I love butterflies. I've always liked them, but the fact that the butterfly was once a caterpillar is the most amazing things about them.
Right now I feel like a butterfly that has finally been freed from its cocoon.
This weekend I gave away another huge load of clothes that don't fit me anymore and I have several bags just waiting to be dropped off at the donation centre. It feels incredible to put on a pair of jeans that once fit snug and now be able to pull them off without unbuttoning them.
I've been lucky over the past week in my search for smaller, fashionable clothes at my local Goodwill and Salvation Army. I've found some really good deals and even have a few designer brands, and all are size Au-10, most have even already been altered for someone as short as me, which is an added bonus.
Sometimes I have to pinch myself because I think there is no way I fit into a size 10 anything, let alone pants. It is surreal.
I have been thinking a lot about
Argy's recent post. I love the way she sees herself in the world and I love the way she is always on top of what she is thinking. I know for me it is paramount for me to be in touch what what is going on with me emotionally before I can understand what is happening with my food intake.
I've picked myself back up from my weekend glum, but I still have a ways to go. I've decided to keep to my points and exercise as much as possible (without damaging my already failing health) and just let the last few kilos take as long as they want. What do I have to gain by pushing myself too hard, except a lot of heartache in the end?
I know I can and will do it, but I think if it takes me 6 months, so be it. I'm okay with it. I really am. And in the meantime I will be enjoying my new wings, flitting about in size 10 clothes and feeling damn good about it.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:45 AM
Back in the groove
So yes, as you have probably read, Saturday was a junk food day. But after I got that out of my system, I got up on Sunday and went for a 45 minute walk. During that time I was thinking about this whole process.
Yes, it really made me angry to not have a bigger loss during the detox, but nothing is worth going backwards over. I don't even know if I could go backwards now, healthy eating is so ingrained in me.
So after going nuts in the grocery store I'm not eating normal again, and I couldn't be happier!
Things I bought that I couldn't eat on the detox: peaches, nestle yogurt, tomatoes, cucumbers, tuna, skim milk, coffee, prawns, vita wheat biscuits, and lean mince meat. Last night we ate the BEST prawn stir-fry and my serving was only 3 points! I can't believe a low-point food such as prawns tastes so yummy. I also bought an aero chocolate bar that I still haven't eaten, I'm saving this 3 1/2 point treat for a desperate moment.
I also found my super low point day much easier to get through because I was able to eat the foods I really love and it wasn't difficult to not overeat. And I'm hoping that now that I've broken my normal routine with the detox that now my body will actually be tricked into losing.
Yesterday I worked on our public holiday because for 8 hours I get paid 20, and also they will give each of us a $50
Myer Gift certificate. I cannot pass up a shopping trip. I'm thinking of rewarding my next loss with a new handbag and using my $50 to go towards it.
Also yesterday mr. ralph and I took a walk down to the park near us and did some skipping. I'm considering buying a thick rubber mat to put in my back yard so I can skip at home anytime of the day and not have the impact of the concrete. Now I just need to find something like that. Do sports stores sell such things?
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:36 AM
A total write off
So yesterday was weigh-in day. Well, instead of losing copious amounts of weight like the detox promised, I actually gained 200 grams.
Words cannot describe how I felt. When I eat a lot of crap and gain weight I know that I am the only one to blame, but when you do everything right and you find that instead of seeing your weight drop, you actually gain, there is nothing to blame it on.
I left the meeting without staying for the lesson because as I walked back to the car I burst into tears. I sat there and sobbed for a while talking to mr. ralph about how I felt.
From that point on I knew that the detox was toast. So this morning reading all your comments about how proud of me you all are made me feel worse. Don't be proud of me. I had one of the worst emotional eating days of all time.
I ate KFC for lunch with a twister wrap thing and some fries, I ate frozen fish (although the lowfat one from the freezer section) and some frozen fries along with 3 beers and a CC and dry for dinner. I also ate 2 lindt chocolates.
I wasn't even going to confess that I quit the detox 2 days early because I felt so horrible for allowing my emotions to get the best of me, but I can't pretend to you guys.
So in 19 days the total amount I lost from doing this detox is 1 kilo. I'm not sure that this is the detox fault, as I said before I was eating pretty strict before. I think that my body is really fighting me on this last 3 kilos.
I've hit the biggest wall and instead of being a fighter I crumbled. And how do I feel today? I'm very depressed.
I know all the right things to do. I know I should just keep doing what I know is right and eventually I should burst through the plateau, but I seriously don't know how to cope with more weeks of doing all the right things and not reaping any reward for all my hard work.
So that is where I am. I guess it is a crossroads. It is for me to decide where I go from here.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:35 AM
Day - 19 Final stretch
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've actually attempted to a few times but we've been having problems with our internet connection. It seems it has worked itself out now. The truth is, I've also been very apathetic about this week.
It is not that I haven't stuck to my detox, or kept within my points range, because I have. But I haven't been exercising and I haven't felt very excited about anything.
I've been feeling very run down and I started having pain again in my left shoulder/back. I've also had a lot of stress at work, which for me takes all of my energy.
You have no idea how glad I am this detox is almost over. I know I signed up for this voluntarily, there was no one there twisting my arm. But this has become one of the longest 3 weeks of my life.
It was easy at first, because I basically don't eat a lot of junk anyway. The first week went by really quickly, but now that I'm only a few days away from the finish line I can think about is food I can't have.
I'd kill for something sweet to eat right now, and I'm not talking about a banana with honey.
I watched mr. ralph eat more icecream on Tuesday night because we had to do an emergency defrost of our freezer due to the fact that someone left the refrigerator door slightly ajar all day and we couldn't close it.
Of course we can't waste perfectly good vanilla icecream by letting it melt!
It has been dark when I get up and dark again when I arrive home from work everyday so even the slightest idea of exercise has been pushed to the side.
I know I want to reach goal in order to apply for this year's slimmer of the year, but sometimes taking care of myself has to take precedence. I just couldn't do it. Physically I haven't been up for anything extra.
Today I have the day off and plan to have some me time. If it means that I have some time to take a brisk walk, then I will, but most importantly I want to rest. I will probably do some shopping for my good friend's 21st that is next weekend, and maybe look for some pants because not only did I ruin my favorite brown pair but yesterday the zipper broke in another pair.
As my body gets smaller, I have less to wear. I know this should be a good thing, but I can't afford a whole new wardrobe. This was another reason applying for Slimmer of The Year would have been good. I need the new clothes! Anyone want to supplement my wardrobe? Not that I'm holding my breath, but I was seriously thinking of saving favorites to amazon.com but then I realized that I have to try everything on. I've got a funky body shape and ordering clothes online would never work for me.
Oh well, I do regularly hit the salvos and goodwill shops and am occasionally lucky. I'll manage.
I can't think of anything else to say except to thank all of you for your continued support. I'm very grateful I have such kind and helpful readers. You've made my week with your comments, and now I'm off to catch up on your blogs.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:00 AM
Day 15 - Under
I'm feeling slightly under the weather. Not enough to call in sick to work (although I wish I could), but just enough to make me feel ick.
I've had a sore throat and have felt really tired. I've been wondering if a lot of my tiredness is due to a lack of iron. I haven't taken any supplements on this detox, but I think that Dr. Joshi's book actually recommends you take them. How silly am I for not even thinking about that?
Oh well. I don't feel like spending a lot of money on supplements either. I've got one more week to go.
On Friday at work someone who had their birthday on the weekend left a piece of chocolate mud cake on my desk before I could tell them no thanks, they left. I was staring at this cake so hard. You'd be proud though, I gave it to another guy that sits next to me and didn't think another thing of it.
Yesterday we took mr. ralph's mum out for Mother's Day and the desserts on the menu looked so yummy! And afterwards he and his mum both had icecream! God it was so hard, but I kept saying, one more week, one more week.
Why did I start this thing on a Monday? When I'm finished it will be a Tuesday and I never really want to eat very badly during the week. Maybe this is a good thing and will keep me from overindulging enough to gain weight.
I have been thinking about this detox and how the chick in the article claims you can loose 5 kilos from it and how I've only lost 1.2 so far. I guess if you are a junk food eater and then cut everything out cold turkey you would loose 5 kilos. But for someone like me that eats a lot of rabbit food and lean protein anyway, it takes a lot to loose 5 kilos.
Will I make it to 63 in time to apply for Slimmer of the Year? I don't know. It would take a miracle.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:38 AM
Day 14 Other things
Yesterday I went shopping with my best aussie girlfriend. It was a nice day since we don't see each other that often now that she doesn't work with me anymore.
Will you believe I found a cord jacket for $10? Well I did. It was such a bargain!
I've been so focused on trying to eat right and exercise enough that I've seriously neglected other areas of my life, especially my love life. I had to come to grips with the fact that my husband and I have been living more like roommates than a married couple for a little too long now.
Remember when I had that great idea that we would do date nights? Well, we did two of them and we haven't had a romantic date since our anniversary. I'm so ashamed.
This past week mr. ralph has been experiencing a lot of pain from what we think is acid reflux. The problem comes and goes, but our doctor hasn't been able to find a drug that helps him so a few months ago he went to see a specialist. He was meant to organics having a minor day surgery so they could investigate to find out what the real problem is, but because he was too busy with teaching and he didn't have pain for a while he forgot about it.
I've been nagging him to get it done, and now he wishes he had. I hate to see him in pain because there is nothing we can do for it. There is no pill he can take, he has to wait it out until it goes away, and everyday that he has it he is doing damage to his insides from the acid.
I wanted to take him to the ER last night but he didn't want to. He put our wheat bag on his chest and eventually fell asleep.
Yesterday I was trying to figure out why I haven't been feeling very sexy and seem to have lost my mojo, but I can't figure it out. I thought that as I got skinnier I'd feel sexier and my love life would improve, but as it is I had more sex when I was heavier than I do now.
I know that all the sexual abuse issues are still there, and maybe my weight-loss is bringing some of it to light because I subconsciously may be feeling more vulnerable without the fat to hide behind.
I've put it out of my mind because it just feels like I'm dealing with so much at the moment that I don't want the mountain to come crashing down on me. I'm trying to improve my work statistics to get a raise, I'm trying to lose these last 2.6 kilos (7 lbs) and it has been enough to drive me insane, and straight to bed at night around 9:30 pm, and leave mr. ralph watching tv on his own.
I at one time blamed him for it all because he isn't very spontaneous, but this is a problem we both have to take partial blame for, and fix. And fix we must.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:11 AM
Day 13 - Weigh-in ~ Any little bit counts
I can't believe I've actually made it this far, but I have. And I have taken a semi-liking to gluten and wheat free bread, but only when it is toasted in the grill. I don't allow myself it but 2-3 times a week though. Bread to me is still bread and bread equals bloat.
I wasn't very impressed with my weigh-in, but as my title says, every little bit counts. I now weigh 65.6 and lost a total of 400 grams this week.It really isn't much since I'm trying to reach 63 by May 20th, but I have to accept that I just may not reach it by my deadline. It won't be the end of the world. I know that. I have not thrown in the towel yet though, as I still have 2 weeks to get my ass in gear.
I will fight till the very end, and even then, keep going. May 20th will come and go, but I have to live in this body forever.
Does anyone out there know if chai tea has caffeine, the kind they serve in coffee bars... I had one today with soy milk and it was so yummy. And then I worried that I couldn't have it. I liked how they use nutmeg and other spices, it is delish especially since it is finally getting cold outside. Reminds me of pumpkin pie. Mmmmm Pie.
I've already been fantasizing about what I will eat when this 21 day detox is over. Once a food lover always a food lover.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:40 AM
Day 12 - Checking in
I'm doing okay still. Haven't fallen off the detox wagon, and I still haven't found the scale. The truth is I haven't looked for it, I doubt there are too many places in our small flat that he could have hid it, but I'm not that desperate.
I really would like to know today how I'm doing, but I guess tomorrow morning will be a surprise as I have no idea what to expect.
I'm apprehensive about it, but if this is how it has to be... then so be it.
I'm on my way out the door in the dark hours of the morning to go to work.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:58 AM
At work today compliments were pouring in about my weight loss. It is weird how this happens. In the time that I've been working here I've lost just over 15 kilos, and people started noticing after the first 5, but then the compliments all but dried up.
It is as if all of a sudden when I am just 3 kilos away from goal they're really noticing.
It feels so good to have others see the difference in me.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:34 PM
Day 10 - Not strong enough
Hello everyone. No I did not weigh myself this morning. But it wasn't because I didn't want to. I did of course want to weigh myself first thing this morning, I'm not ready to cut loose my habit. I am like a drug addict longing for my next fix.
honestyrain is right. I'm not ready to go cold turkey.
My wonderful mr. ralph read my entry yesterday afternoon, with all your comments and when I got home and made a trip to the loo, I looked down and it was gone. He hid it. He told me that he knew I couldn't do it so he hid it from me.
I asked him a few times where he put it, but then I let it go. I was thinking to myself, "Now how will I know how I'm doing? I can't weigh myself on Friday morning? I do that every week?!"
Then I remembered what I would do if I didn't own a scale. The same thing. I would eat healthy foods within my points allowance, I would drink lots of water, and I would exercise as much as I can within my limits.
And if I don't lose weight?
That's the ultimate question isn't it? What I really want is control. I want to know that if I do this, than I will lose weight no matter what. But losing weight is not that easy to control. I have to let what happens happen, and then get input and keep doing what I know is right.
When a control freak, super perfectionist realises she doesn't have the ability to control the outcome of a situation it can be a scary thing. Welcome to my nightmare.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:24 AM
Day 9 - Bad habit
I've got a bad habit of weighing myself everyday. For the past 2 days the scales say that I have gained a kilo since my weigh-in. My mind refuses to accept this as fact, but seeing the number there has been driving me insane.
Is there such a thing as post-menstrual bloat?
I have been sticking to my points, I'm actually under for the week so far on the Wendie Plan, and I'm sticking to my detox. On the exercise front I'm not doing as well as last week, but I have exercised 3 times including a 30 minute power walk this morning.
I know that my weight fluctuates for all sorts of reasons and I shouldn't do this to myself, but now its been done and I can't get it out of my mind.
I really am obsessed. I feel great, I look great. I've never been happier with the way clothes fit me, but these last few kilos are seriously driving me to the brink of insanity.
I'm beginning to wonder if the May 20th (Slimmer of the Year) deadline is doing my emotional stability any favors. Maybe I should rethink the pressure I've put on myself?
Even as I write that I think, "But no! I want to lose it now! I don't want to give myself another 6 months! It has to end!"
God living inside my head is an awful experience. I hope I can make it through the rest of the week (this is really only Tuesday) without going nuts.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:47 AM
Hi. This blog used to be all about weight loss, but now it is more.
I'm with you on that--I hate winter too! It's cold exercising outside and it's such a hassle wearing big bulky clothes. Luckily, I'm just heading into our summer so I'm excited. Do you ever make pumpkin soup? I ate that a lot in Aust...it's super yummy & really filling (with a side of warm crusty bread...double-yum!).
I am sick of diets too...dont be discouraged by the weigh in...use it as more motivation...I recently was on a diet and lost 33lbs..good luck...and by the way...Im here via michele
I am a random wander but wanted to say thank you for the encouragement...tonight was a night I needed it. On the winter aspect, summer is my worse, as it is here now in the sunny, humid, hotter than God should allow Florida. Big girls and heat arent the best friends.
A ww leader once told us that her winter weight is 2kg higher than her summer weight, so maybe 65kg will be your winter weight and 63kg your summer weight. Just a thought, although Im sure you will get to goal during winter. It must be so exciting to be so close to goal and to have lost almost 40kg.
You are an amazing inspiration Ms Ralph!!!
I'm with you on exercising in winter... it's just too cold to leave the house. I forced myself out for a walk last night. At least I walk fast to warm up.
I do love soup. It is good to try different combinations rather than just an "all in" vegie soup. That can get a bit boring after a while. I've been making one that is a kinda Asian style - stock, heaps of garlic and ginger, capsicum, asian greens and other vegies (anything you'd put into a stir fry really) and half a packet of hokkien noodles. It is esp good after a day or two.
Hey. I just love your blog.. maybe because you have lots so much weight and I have so much to do. I love how real you are.
Yes, I am finding winter harder also.... fighting against that hot chocolate.
Btw, I've started an additional blog. www.dawench.blogdrive.com - to document my weight loss. Thanks for the encouragement.
You are a gift.
Christel
I was reading your post and wondering why you were moaning about Winter until I realized that your seasons are different there than here - LOL. I did so much better during Winter than I have since it started getting warmer that I'd gladly switch with you, but I know that you're going to do fabulously well regardless!!!
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