Stuck in a rut
I know it seems that all I do lately is complain. I know that it is crazy to allow this rut to continue, but I feel like I've fallen in a hole and can't get out of it, and when I do, I somehow find my way back to it again.
I've definitely been here before, I remember it very clearly. Back then the scale was stuck at around 87, not 67. What is the major problem? I lack the most essential ingredient needed to get my bum in gear, motivation.
I feel bad that I am not at goal yet, but not bad enough to move my arse.
So much is going on. I'm worried about my family, I'm worried about finances, I'm worried about my neck and worried that the new bulge may lead to another spinal fusion. I'm worried that work cover will not accept my new claim.
I hate to be so up and down here and it even worries me that my readers see me floundering around with my commitment to getting to goal, but I don't want to stop writing here. This is my sanctuary. This is the one place I can come to and be the most candid about the 125 gram tin of coconut cream flavored peanuts I devoured last night, and then felt ill afterwards.
You know what I mean?
I appreciate the advice you guys give, and all of the encouragement. I don't know how I ever survived without it, and I am so grateful that you care enough to stop by and comment.
I've been thinking about this poem lately that I found in the book The Courage to Heal, so I share it with you now:
1. I'm walking down a road.
There is a deep hole in the pavement.
I fall into it.
I'm lost...
I'm without hope.
It's not my fault.
It takes ages to get out of it.
2. I'm walking down the same road.
There is a deep hole in the pavement.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall into it again.
I cannot believe that I'm in the same place again.
But it's not my fault.
It still takes very long to get out of it.
3. I'm walking down the same road.
There is a deep hole in the pavement.
I see it.
I still fall into it ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It's my own fault.
I get out of it immediately.
4. I'm walking down the same road.
There is a deep hole in the pavement.
I walk around it.
5. I walk down a different road.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:27 AM
Goal by Christmas???
What was I thinking? I don't think I can make it.
I just spent over $60 on junk food for the Grand Final party we are going to today. Three kinds of cheese, pate, organic water crackers, cashews, almonds, dried apricots, new tappa's doritos (I have wanted to try them forEVER), mini pretzels, and pre-made potato salad because I feel lazy, oh also some dip. Can you believe how much this stuff costs? Unbelievable. And I think I went a little overboard. There is no way all of that crap is going to be eaten.
Last night I bought my first pair of non-stretch jeans (that don't cut off my circulation) and are a size 11. That translates into a US size 9. The last time I was this size I was 15.
But am I happy with myself? No.
Last week was a good week. I had a great loss. This week was shit. I ate lots of bread, and succumbed to the demon that forces me to buy twisties at work.
How the hell will I see goal by Christmas?
I have no idea. But I know that something has got to give.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:33 AM
Can you see the bobo?
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:50 PM
Borrowed from Michele
If you are a regular
Michele reader I am borrowing this from her daily 3 things she did on the 17th because my answer is somewhat of a fascinating topic for me and am very curious what my readers will say. Please comment, even you lurkers!
Name three commercials or advertisements that you have seen or heard, that actually made you want to buy the product or service:
My answer:
I hate to admitt this but I am the biggest SUCKER for advertising. I am brainwashed in mere seconds. I even eat fast food when recommended to me by my TV even though I normally steer clear of it and eat a healthy diet. I am an advertising giant's wetdream. That said, here are the latest:
1.Mcdonalds new fresh menu and their current campaign of "your inner child". I even sing the song. I've already been there and tried the new "healthy choices".
2. Cheerios. I didn't even know they had them here in Australia until the ad came on. I bought a box that weekend but this could also be because I love Cheerios.
3. Willy Wonka chocolate bar; the whole movie was an ad for them and I ate one the same weekend as seeing the movie, but only one.
I am tragic.
Now you play!
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:09 AM
Hallelujah
I have kept this number between me and mr. ralph, but last week I saw 68.8 kilos on the scale.
This was depressing as you can imagine. Somehow even with a few minor hiccups (like mini pastries and pies at work) and a magnum for dessert last night, I lost 1.4 kilos and am back to 67.4.
Amazing. I attribute this to the walking I did this week. I now have more confidence that goal by Christmas isn't unattainable after all.
Have a happy weekend.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:56 AM
Double your pleasure, double your fun...
Halfway through I do switch gears and talk about weight-loss once again[begin political rant]
Recently I went out with one of my aussie female friends on a night where she was meeting up with a guy she had met on one of the match websites. That night I did happen to partake in a few too many drinks due to the price of one of my favorite bottled beers being only $4 compared to $7 or even $8 in some places.
The man she met happened to be very nice, and I enjoyed speaking to him, but he had a friend with him who was with a female the likes of which I refer to as "granola". You know the kind. I don't like to contribute to stereotypes, but I hope the term "granola" is not in the least offensive to any of my readers. I like; it is good with some honey and milk.
Anyway to get to the point the man friend and ms. granola appeared to not like me and it became increasingly clear why. With every comment I made about anything they seem to have the exact opposite opinion. Somehow we worked around to my being American, and why I am living here. I heard them snicker and whisper things to themselves. It was very obvious I had come across another group of people that hate the US and everyone from there in a really unbiased way, so they think.
I eventually got ticked off about something he said about mr. ralph and left their table and on to bigger and better things, for example another beer. But it stuck with me, this feeling of being hated simply because I am American. It happens to me a lot more often than I would like; now I get the feeling it is just getting started, it is about to kick up another level.
Why?
The initial federal and local reactions to Hurricane Katrina, however, have sent the opposite message. The images seen around the world communicated a lack of competence and considerable chaos and suffering. The dominant overseas reaction has been sympathy mixed with shock and horror at what was seen by many as evidence of racism and a reminder of the extreme poverty in which many Americans live. America's enemies indulged in schadenfreude. Hugo Chavez could not resist the chance to taunt President Bush; North Korea radio linked the U.S. "defeat" in Iraq with its "defeat" by Katrina; jihadists celebrated what had happened and the possibility the price of oil would soar even higher. The world's only remaining superpower appeared to be anything but. see full article on Slate
I've already listened to people at my work who just can't believe the slow response of the US in this time of crisis, nor can they comprehend the poverty being broadcast all over the world; when you see these images you think of a 3rd world country, not the US, the richest country in the world?! Surely there is a mistake.
It is what the election year should have been about, and wasn't. John Kerry didn't get the message through to America. Bush's presidency is one of the biggest reasons the divide between the rich and the poor is growing increasingly bigger. His politics and interest in Iraq make him a main contributor to the ever increasing unemployement rate. These are things that do not get broadcast on the world news.
What you see now in New Orleans is real life in a real American city. The poor, the disabled, the old, the sick, the
forgotten.
Katrina will also have an impact on how citizens of the United States view foreign policy. The enormous problems and costs associated with the hurricane will raise additional questions about the ability of the United States to "stay the course" in Iraq. The aftermath of the catastrophe will inevitably increase political pressure on President Bush to begin to reduce the U.S. involvement in Iraq and re-focus U.S. resources at home, be it on the expensive reconstruction of flood-ravaged areas or on improving the country's capacity to deal with future disasters of this magnitude. see full article on Slate
One can only hope this is true.
I fully expect to see the US's approval and opinion rating dramatically continue to decline all around the world. I don't see an easy answer in the cards. The power that America wields can only be a reflection of the strength of her economy. Much more importance needs to be placed on what is going on inside the US borders which in the end will quite possibly leave the US weakened and open to more terrorist attacks.
A lot of people are deeply regretting their presidential choice; a lot more are so devastated they can't believe what is happening.
To those of you who dislike America or US politics just remember that some of us actually
agree with you; at least about some things. And didn't you ever learn, you can't judge a book by it's cover?
[end rant]
And now to go off course of the political talk to discuss my weight situation. Thanks for wading through that first part.
I've had some time off work. Well, I had Friday off (a total write off for weight-loss though), and Monday, and today is my last free day.
I took the time off when I thought I was going on a trip to Melbourne with a friend of mine. Due to a misunderstanding about the dates of the trip this ended up being cancelled. Since leave is so hard to come by at my job I decided to take the much needed rest.
Yesterday I went on a really long walk. I forgot to take my watch with me but I estimate it was around 45 minutes one way. It was around late morning and I ended up feeling very hungry. But I somehow managed to only buy only a cape see loaf from the baker's delight and didn't succumb to the desire to get my favorite cheesy mite scroll. The size of those things renders them to be at their smallest 5 points, and at their largest up to 7! Unbelievable, and so not fair.
But somehow I ended up with a bag of those new Red Rock Deli rice chips that advertise that they are 75% less fat than normal chips. This is a good thing, but a small 30 gram serving still set me back an additional 2 points on my day. And I was still hungry.
I had a good day. I tried to relax and read. I did some cleaning around the house. I read old magazines (Shape, Slimming, Weight Watchers, oh and New Woman of course).
And I ended up coming up with a mental plan. I decided it is time to embrace Spring and embark on a new goal. Forget the old plan. It is time to stop dwelling on what should be and what didn't happen.
I want to be at
goal by Christmas.
There I said it.
It works out to me losing around 1/2 kilo a week. I actually find it daunting because my current cycle has been to gain that much or more every week for the past few months.
But it is warmer outside, or soon shall be. Short sleeved shirts are back, swim suits have made their way into the shops (GAH), and damnit I want to be at goal. I no longer want to hoover just close enough to taste it. I
want it.
I want to stop whinging and complaining and coming up with every excuse why I can't do it. I just want to do it. So I am going to get started. No today, but yesterday.
In saying all of that, I know it won't be easy. Number one I have an injury in my neck which won't allow high-impact exercise like my favorite fat burner, skipping. But I will have to adjust to this. I will have to walk, and I'm even considering trialing the gym membership for 3 months. This is still in the thinking position though because I know how hard it is for me to get myself to the gym after work.
So there you have it. Ms ralph will no longer be sucking it in by Christmas 2005.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:29 AM
So this was a weight-loss blog
I have been thinking about weight-loss, I just haven't been doing anything about it. I feel fat. I feel disgustingly fat. I haven't weighed myself since last weekend when the number 68 glared up at me from my digital scale. Last night I drank beer and ate pizza while watching an AFL final.
I don't want to see anything higher than that, and the truth is I'm just afraid. I've been drinking more, and generally just eating more. The stress of the past few weeks has really affected me and I don't know what is going on. I'm eating as a coping mechanism again. I don't know how to stop this train wreck. But I am thinking about it. I am.
I just got off the telephone with my brother who is at wits end. He is stressed, tired, and angry. I'm sure he didn't mean to spend 30 minutes blowing off steam to me on the phone, but that is what he did. I'm sure he needed it.
My parents are going back to their home this weekend and are going to live in it while they do everything they can to start the process of rebuilding what needs to be rebuilt, and he is going to help them every weekend by going over and helping them take up the water ruined carpet etc. The insurance company has already put a tarp over their roof so that more water can't get in. My dad does still have a job although with gas prices being as they are I can't even imagine how he will get back and forth. He used to carpool, I don't even know if he can still do that or not.
My mom and dad weren't available to talk to me because they were going back to the food stamp office to see if their EBT card had arrived yet; I may have to wait another day for them to call me from their home. I know their phone works because I've gotten their voice mail when I dialed it.
My dad's employer paid him 2 weeks pay as disaster relief aid, and they should get assistance from FEMA, but I don't know when.
There has been a few things happening in my life that have been really good. On Friday night mr. ralph and I celebrated my new promotion at work and as it turns out my permanent residency too. I am now allowed to come and go in Australia as a resident for 5 years. We ate at a beautiful restaurant called
Red Ochre. I felt guilty to be celebrating with what is going on in the states with my family and everyone else that is displaced, but to be honest it was really good for us to do it.
We ate an assortment as our entree that included an emu pate, oysters, prawns, smoked trout, and some sweet potato gnocci. It was fantastic. I ate barramundi for my main that was cooked in bark paper the traditional way of the Aboriginal people and it was so melt in your mouth delish. Mr. ralph had duck and for desert we shared a banana dish that had crystallized honey and chocolate sauce with ice cream on the side. We also splurged and spent the night in a hotel room in the city. We had a little extra cash so we decided to do it for ourselves because it has been a long time we had something to celebrate.
Can you tell I still feel guilty?
I don't know when I will get on the scale again. I know I have to get myself together and I have to stop eating my feelings. I can't let the stress continue to affect my weight. That said, I don't really want to do anything. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and everything be okay again.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:30 AM
Everyone is thinking, and this is good
This picture is from MS, where you can see that hurricane Katrina knows no color.
Because I love what she said, and what she is generating in comments please read
this entry of Meg's.
Also if you want to read local news about the MS Gulf Coast, go to this
website.
I haven't been able to speak to my Mom and Dad in a few days and this is driving me crazy. I got voice mail a few times and have sent emails to my brother, but I need to make sure my Dad calls his employer. Sigh.
I also want to make sure my Mom has filed her insurance claim. I've also seen reports that there is an orgnaization putting thick plastic over damaged roofs in MS which will prevent further damage from rain etc.
I can't get through!
Also for those that are concerned about my cat, please see my response in the previous entry
comments.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:38 AM
The kitty is okay
I wanted to update sooner, but things have been so crazy. I plan on writing my own tribute to New Orleans ... but maybe over the weekend.
My sister has been emailing to let me know she is keeping watch over the old cat, and even though he is mad for being left alone he is still alive and well. Last email she wrote she told me how she gave him a walk outside and sat with him a while before she had to leave.
I'm organizing a day at my work where we do a gold coin donation for The American Red Cross, because no one else has even thought about it. It is unbelievable. I can't believe how much the Aussies (at my work at least) donated to the Tsunami but with this they aren't even thinking...
Also, some friends have approached me to donate directly to my family. I couldn't believe it, but WOW. Isn't that awesome? It may not be very much in the end, but it will buy them a week's worth of groceries I'm sure. I was also thinking of setting up a paypal account directly on here for any of you that want to donate to my family as well.
I had bad news from my brother that my father still hasn't rung the employee assistance number that I gave him for his work. I think he may be afraid they will ask him to find a way to get there and at the moment he doesn't know how he will do that, plus my brother thinks depression has hit him.
I want to help my parents so much but it is hard being over here.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:18 AM
Anne Rice on the New Orleans flood
This made me cry. Anne Rice in the
New York Times,
"Do You Know What It Means to Lose New Orleans? - New York Times":
WHAT do people really know about New Orleans?
Do they take away with them an awareness that it has always been not only a great white metropolis but also a great black city, a city where African-Americans have come together again and again to form the strongest African-American culture in the land?
The first literary magazine ever published in Louisiana was the work of black men, French-speaking poets and writers who brought together their work in three issues of a little book called L'Album Littéraire. That was in the 1840's, and by that time the city had a prosperous class of free black artisans, sculptors, businessmen, property owners, skilled laborers in all fields. Thousands of slaves lived on their own in the city, too, making a living at various jobs, and sending home a few dollars to their owners in the country at the end of the month.
This is not to diminish the horror of the slave market in the middle of the famous St. Louis Hotel, or the injustice of the slave labor on plantations from one end of the state to the other. It is merely to say that it was never all "have or have not" in this strange and beautiful city.
Later in the 19th century, as the Irish immigrants poured in by the thousands, filling the holds of ships that had emptied their cargoes of cotton in Liverpool, and as the German and Italian immigrants soon followed, a vital and complex culture emerged. Huge churches went up to serve the great faith of the city's European-born Catholics; convents and schools and orphanages were built for the newly arrived and the struggling; the city expanded in all directions with new neighborhoods of large, graceful houses, or areas of more humble cottages, even the smallest of which, with their floor-length shutters and deep-pitched roofs, possessed an undeniable Caribbean charm.
Through this all, black culture never declined in Louisiana. In fact, New Orleans became home to blacks in a way, perhaps, that few other American cities have ever been. Dillard University and Xavier University became two of the most outstanding black colleges in America; and once the battles of desegregation had been won, black New Orleanians entered all levels of life, building a visible middle class that is absent in far too many Western and Northern American cities to this day.
The influence of blacks on the music of the city and the nation is too immense and too well known to be described. It was black musicians coming down to New Orleans for work who nicknamed the city "the Big
Easy" because it was a place where they could always find a job. But it's not fair to the nature of New Orleans to think of jazz and the blues as the poor man's music, or the music of the oppressed.
Something else was going on in New Orleans. The living was good there. The clock ticked more slowly; people laughed more easily; people kissed; people loved; there was joy.
Which is why so many New Orleanians, black and white, never went north. They didn't want to leave a place where they felt at home in neighborhoods that dated back centuries; they didn't want to leave families whose rounds of weddings, births and funerals had become the fabric of their lives. They didn't want to leave a city where tolerance had always been able to outweigh prejudice, where patience had always been able to outweigh rage. They didn't want to leave a place that was theirs.
And so New Orleans prospered, slowly, unevenly, but surely - home to Protestants and Catholics, including the Irish parading through the old neighborhood on St. Patrick's Day as they hand out cabbages and potatoes and onions to the eager crowds; including the Italians, with their lavish St. Joseph's altars spread out with cakes and cookies in homes and restaurants and churches every March; including the uptown traditionalists who seek to preserve the peace and beauty of the Garden District; including the Germans with their clubs and traditions; including the black population playing an ever increasing role in the city's civic affairs.
Now nature has done what the Civil War couldn't do. Nature has done what the labor riots of the 1920's couldn't do. Nature had done what "modern life" with its relentless pursuit of efficiency couldn't do. It has done what racism couldn't do, and what segregation couldn't do either. Nature has laid the city waste - with a scope that brings to mind the end of Pompeii.
I share this history for a reason - and to answer questions that have arisen these last few days. Almost as soon as the cameras began panning over the rooftops, and the helicopters began chopping free those trapped in their attics, a chorus of voices rose. "Why didn't they leave?" people asked both on and off camera. "Why did they stay there when they knew a storm was coming?" One reporter even asked me, "Why do people live in such a place?"
Then as conditions became unbearable, the looters took to the streets. Windows were smashed, jewelry snatched, stores broken open, water and food and televisions carried out by fierce and uninhibited crowds.
Now the voices grew even louder. How could these thieves loot and pillage in a time of such crisis? How could people shoot one another? Because the faces of those drowning and the faces of those looting were largely black faces, race came into the picture. What kind of people are these, the people of New Orleans, who stay in a city about to be flooded, and then turn on one another?
Well, here's an answer. Thousands didn't leave New Orleans because they couldn't leave. They didn't have the money. They didn't have the vehicles. They didn't have any place to go. They are the poor, black and white, who dwell in any city in great numbers; and they did what they felt they could do - they huddled together in the strongest houses they could find. There was no way to up and leave and check into the nearest Ramada Inn.
What's more, thousands more who could have left stayed behind to help others. They went out in the helicopters and pulled the survivors off rooftops; they went through the flooded streets in their boats trying to gather those they could find. Meanwhile, city officials tried desperately to alleviate the worsening conditions in the Superdome, while makeshift shelters and hotels and hospitals struggled.
And where was everyone else during all this? Oh, help is coming, New Orleans was told. We are a rich country. Congress is acting. Someone will come to stop the looting and care for the refugees.
And it's true: eventually, help did come. But how many times did Gov. Kathleen Blanco have to say that the situation was desperate? How many times did Mayor Ray Nagin have to call for aid? Why did America ask a
city cherished by millions and excoriated by some, but ignored by no one, to fight for its own life for so long? That's my question.
I know that New Orleans will win its fight in the end. I was born in the city and lived there for many years. It shaped who and what I am. Never have I experienced a place where people knew more about love, about family, about loyalty and about getting along than the people of New Orleans. It is perhaps their very gentleness that gives them their endurance.
They will rebuild as they have after storms of the past; and they will stay in New Orleans because it is where they have always lived, where their mothers and their fathers lived, where their churches were built by their ancestors, where their family graves carry names that go back 200 years. They will stay in New Orleans where they can enjoy a sweetness of family life that other communities lost long ago.
But to my country I want to say this: During this crisis you failed us. You looked down on us; you dismissed our victims; you dismissed us. You want our Jazz Fest, you want our Mardi Gras, you want our cooking and our music. Then when you saw us in real trouble, when you saw a tiny minority preying on the weak among us, you called us "Sin City," and turned your backs.
Well, we are a lot more than all that. And though we may seem the most exotic, the most atmospheric and, at times, the most downtrodden part of this land, we are still part of it. We are Americans. We are you.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:54 AM
Very sad
I was just told in an email from my brother that my 16 year old cat has been left by my sister to "fend for himself," as she is leaving the area and did not choose to take him with her.
I know he is too old to make it own his own as he has been living as a house cat for his entire life. At the moment he has arthritis and doesn't walk very well and he is going blind. My mother was keeping him alive by giving him his regular pain medicine and watching out for him.
We were considering having a vet put him down a few weeks ago because my mom told me that he was urinating throughout the house and she wasn't sure if he would be better off dying now than having to suffer more health issues as he gets older.
We had decided to put it off, but now I have to let him go because I know he won't survive this.
I can't stop watching the news and wondering why all of the people have been left in New Orleans for so long without evacuation. It is difficult not to think it is because they are poor and black and simply not important enough. It is sad, it is disgraceful.
I don't feel proud to be an American today. I feel very ashamed of my country.
I don't know what else to write. Please give to the
American Red Cross. Thank you.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:21 AM
More solemn thoughts
It makes me so angry how long it has taken for relief to get to those who need it most in the city of New Orleans. I have to agree with the
Mayor on this one. I spoke to my family last night and it was such a relief to get through to them. They are all safe, and although I haven't spoken to my best friends that are in MS, my mom confirmed that they are okay. She spoke to my friend and said they are doing fine, but she may not have any food and was only able to buy a small amount to feed her kids because the store had sold out of everything.
How can this be happening? She may not have any food? I'm sitting here in my selfish world wondering why I can't seem to push the scales down past 68 kilos when my best friends have probably gone days without a real meal to eat? Puts life in perspective.
It is so hard to communicate how sad I am. My mother started crying the moment she heard my voice on the phone. She is in Baton Rouge staying with one of her sisters. She cannot stay in her house because although it is still standing, all of the shingles were torn from the roof and the water damage is severe. The city she lives in is small and at the time I had spoken to her she did not know if relief in the form of food and water had arrived there yet. She went there even though my brother recommended she didn't, and he had to go back and rescue them because they had no access to gas to get back.
She sounded very stressed and very sad. She spoke a lot about the damage along the coastline. I'm seeing the pictures on the internet and on tv and although these places are so close to my heart I am not there seeing it live.
My brother worked for an oil refinery out of New Orleans and is now out of work, my father works for Ingalls shipyard out of Pascagoula MS and is out of work.
It is very hard for me to take all of this in.
My brother spoke a lot about the lawlessness and I could hear the desperation in his voice as he talked about coping with the influx of homeless in his city. People just have no where to go, and he is having a hard time dealing with my parents. He has his family to worry about as well as trying to help my mom and dad take care of themselves.
My sister works for a hospital and is staying in MS to keep working. I spoke to my niece who is ten and she is staying with my mom and dad. She sounded very sad but my mom said she is being very good and eating whatever they have (she is usually a very picky eater).
To be honest living on the gulf coast for most of my life should have prepared my family for an event like this, but it really hasn't. This is the hurricane we've feared our whole lives and when it happened I am living in Australia. Go figure.
Thanks a lot for all of your well wishes.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:57 AM
Don't ever think....
Just when you think that things couldn't possibly get worse, they always do. Isn't that the way? I have been going out of my mind for the past few days because I cannot contact my friends and family.
My Mother, Father, and niece sought shelter at my brother's house in Baton Rouge the day before the hurricane actually hit so they were very lucky to not be at their home when it did finally reach land and go east. My two best friends were still at home when I was able to speak to them in their early hours of the morning before the hurricane had caused any damage in their area. I spoke to my brother and my mom and they were fine, but since then the phone lines have been down and I have no idea what has happened to my friends or my sister.
The whole thing is just massively depressing. From over here all I see is the places I called home under water, or destroyed.
I don't know what else to say. If you can, please send money to help the victims of this horrific disaster.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:12 AM
Hi. This blog used to be all about weight loss, but now it is more.
Complain away, that's what your blog is for. I've been so off with my whole life lately, my diet, everything so I completely feel every word of this post like you're talking directly to my heart. The poem is a keeper, thanks for sharing it.
It's your blog, so what cheekymoo said, complain away! Do you see how, when you do complain, you always have a silver lining in your post? New, smaller jeans (yay!) or a very inspirational poem. You can't be ON all the time. I think it's all a necessary part of the process -- growing STONGER if you will.
I'm sending my positive thoughts your way. You ALWAYS send them to me, even if you are struggling. Thanks.
Its your blog, complain all you like. Just remember you are not alone, and I think anyone who has ever been on the weight loss rollercoaster knows how you are feeling and understands. You have had a lot to deal with over the last month or so, dont be too hard on yourself, you will get there, just keep your chin up.
I don't call it complaining.
I call it an insight into your mind. Good, bad, funny, sad. It's you.
For me personally, I don't think "Wow, she is floundering around with her commitment" because my interest in you is as a person. Your worth isn't about a number to me.
I almost guarantee those who read regularly also don't feel 'let down' because you haven't reached goal yet. Sheeeeesh, most of us are struggling daily with the same fears, financial constraints, etc etc.
We come here because we like you. We feel a connection to you and we care about your well being.
I LOVED that poem by the way. That is a brilliant way to look at things.
Standing on the outside, looking in, I see someone who isn't connecting with a 'payoff'. Previously you felt so passionate about not feeling uncomfortable, or wanting to get into a piece of clothing or other terrific payoffs.
I don't like the word motivation anymore. It is very hard to come by and it comes and goes, so maybe we just need to find the 'pay off' factor. The carrot in front of our face.
What is your new carrot? Would it help to re-establish new goals? I don't mean "I want to lose 5 kilos by Xmas" type goals.
Perhaps fill this out...
By Xmas I want to feel....
By Xmas I my hair will look like..
By Xmas I want to save $..?
By Xmas I want my 10 minute walking distance to be ...
By Xmas I want to be riding a bike from ... to...
By Xmas i want to begin....
Have a little list of acheiveable goals that don't relate directly to your number weight.
Rebeka, you have my phone number, please call if you hit a rock bottom moment. Most days I have no schedule and I could do with the chat myself. :-)
I don't know if I have ever commented on your blog before, but I've been reading you for some time. I just wanted to say that I really, really, really appreciated the poem that you posted. The Courage to Heal was a transformative book for me. Thank you for reminding me of it.
I hate to be so up and down here and it even worries me that my readers see me floundering around with my commitment to getting to goal, but I don't want to stop writing here. This is my sanctuary.
Oh, I feel the same way! Of course, for me I have a lot less credibility, having barely lost 15 pounds since I started my blog... but still, I need it, and I need to talk about whatever and hope my readers understand that I do take what I'm trying to do seriously...
I've been in a rut myself, so I understand. I hope you are feeling better soon... ruts suck.
(hugs)
Wonderful poem - really got me thinking. Thanks for that - also, this is your blog so say allthat you want.
Hey girl- I've been reading your blog for many months now- I really like. This entry stuck me because I have defintely been in this place. I want to suggest a book- I swear I do not usually do this. I hate when people say "oh, read this book, I read it and it changed my life...blah blah blah". But, it did :)
It sounds like its about making money in an some ways it is but the ideas go with ALL aspects of life. Its about making your life, yourself (mind, body, soul, all of it) more prosperous. The book is called The Dymanics Laws of Prosperity by Catherine Ponder. Its ok if you roll your eyes, I did too when I was told I should read it. But if you read it and "work it" I swear it will make a difference.
Ok, off my book box now :)
Becka babe, there is nothing left for me to say, Beckie said it all so well! Just know I am here for you!
Hi Rebekah, I've been reading your blog for awhile and I really enjoy it. I don't think you're complaining, you're just talking about your life and how sometimes it's hard to deal with. I've been in a rut for awhile too. I was actually 6 pounds from goal last summer and I'm up 18 pounds now. Ugh. Normally, I would consider myself a failure and just keep on gaining. But I've continued the fight and have lost a few pounds. You and I will get to goal, eventually. A WW cookbook I borrowed from the library had a quote in it that was helpful to me. To paraphrase, when people lose weight and then gain some back, they tend to just give up and gain all of it back. But you need to hang onto what you have lost and keep it off. Kind of the half full/half empty view. Hang onto what you've lost. Don't beat yourself up because you can't lose the last few pounds quickly. You're maintaining and that is really difficult, at least in my book it is.
It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now, so maybe putting your weight loss on the back burner is okay, for now. Tell yourself you're going to maintain until you can deal with the other stuff, maybe 2 weeks or so.
Take care and thanks for sharing your life with us.
That is a wonderful poem.
I believe it holds the key there, you know?
Walk a different road. :o)
Sorry I haven't been around to comment. I am stuck in my own rut as well so I can totally relate to what you are saying. It sucks and it's hard as hell.
But you can get back on track :) I know you can.
I love that poem, I think I will print it off and put it on my fridge.
I'm with Zee! #5 is crucial. I'm trying to do that now in my own life. It really made me feel good to read that poem.
I hope you feel better soon.
hopeful
I love reading your blog because it is real. It is not all roses and sunshine and little birds chirping.
Keep just being you!
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