A chicken burger tried to kill me
Last night I made these delish chicken burgers. Mr. ralph and I enjoyed them immensely.
But today.... we are both sick.
I won't make you suffer the gory details, but it looks like we may have had some minor food poisioning. I came home from work early due to stomach cramps and an urgent need for the toilet. Doing that at work in a ladies toilet with 10 stalls is not my idea of a great day at the office.
I really don't know if the chicken was off because it didn't smell, and it didn't taste off. I guess I could have undercooked it.
Please think good thoughts for mr. ralph as he seems to be suffering the brunt of it and thinks I tried to poison him for real!
No seriously he doesn't think that, but we are not well.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:54 PM
Are you kidding me?
To those of you who took offense by my last entry: Please do not assume that I think all Australian doctor's are bad. You are wrong. I love my normal GP, even though she only works 3 half days a week and is almost always booked up. A few weeks ago after seeing her I had flowers sent to her because she is simply one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She beats any doctor I've ever seen, in any country hands down. She is a beautiful person.
It would not matter what country I live in, or even what nationality the doctor's I am seeing are. Workcover has only chosen one for me by the way, and it shouldn't matter about that either. I am a person. I should be treated with dignity and respect like any other person.
I happen to live in Ausrailia so pardon me for drawing on that experience when writing about the doctor's I've seen. It is a little difficult not to since it just so happens to be where I live for now. And my experiences with doctors here has been nothing short of appalling. I include in this list emergency room doctors, nurses, GP's, and surgeons. I've seen a lot of different kinds.
Of course surgeons are the most rude and seem to have the worst bedside manner. This is probably true of American surgeons too, but I haven't had surgery in the US.
I can only draw on the experiences I've had when trying to figure out why I am being treated so poorly, if you read the entry again you will see that I have made no conclusion regarding the WHY, just that it really sucks to be treated badly. I write about my feelings and ponder my thoughts because this little blog here is mine, and it is what I do.
And for those still reading,
Operation Christmas Parties took a hit this week because I did not lose any weight. But I am not giving up! I am going to get into that dress. We've only had a minor setback.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:10 AM
I am a wanker magnet
First of all, my weight is a bit up at the moment. We are not at all surprised by this at your humble narrators house. You see I am on volt@ren again and this causes despicable water retention. I've also discovered a new food love, couscous. I'm sure it can be good for you in small quantities, but that is another story.
Also yesterday the stresses of this week forced me to eat a doughnut. Forced me I tell you!
Basically work is shit. We're experiencing extremely high call volumes and at the same time one of our systems keeps crashing every half hour. It sucks. I am tired and cranky, and I have a very sore left shoulder.
But the bit that takes the cake is this, on Wednesday morning I went to see a surgeon hand picked for me by my insurance company because they wanted me to have an independent assessment. I was told to take my films and be there for an appointment at 9am.
I am notorious for never being late, in fact most of the time I am early for everything including work. This particular morning was a bad example though and I was 15 minutes late in arriving at the office for my appointment.
I explained to the receptionist that I was in traffic and wanted to ring them but unfortunately did not have their number. She asked me a few questions, took my films, and had me sit in the waiting room. After a few minutes had past she came over to me and whispered, "he is going to ask you why you were late..." The look on her face conveyed that I should be worried about this, or scared.
I made my husband come with me to the appointment simply because he didn't have anything else to do, and I have had terrible experiences with doctors lately. This of course was no exception and goes down in the book as possibly the worst, ever.
At first he looked annoyed when I asked if mr. ralph could come in, but said, "if he wants to that is fine." And began the conversation with a statement, "I am to perform an independent assessment of you for workcover which as far as I was aware was meant to begin at 9'oclock." I told him I was sorry but traffic was bad and having never been there before I did not know the number to call to tell them I was on my way... This of course did not seem to appease him as he continued to look angry.
The man himself in first impressions does not exude any confidence. He is very large and overbearing. He made me feel immediately uncomfortable. He never introduced himself or did any niceties one would normally expect at a first time appointment.
From there it was straight downhill. He asked me a series of vague questions relating to my injuries, but refused to reword them or clarify what he meant when I asked for it. He actually argued back and forth with me that his questions were clear and self-explanatory when they most definitely weren't. I was so frustrated that I answered what I thought he meant.
At one point he stood up and asked me to take my shirt off and then walked out of the office leaving the door ajar without an explanation. I looked at my husband and shrugged but obliged and took my shirt off. Next thing I know he returns with the receptionist I mentioned before who did not say anything but merely sat in my seat next to my husband and began reading the paper. Then he performed some simple tests like reflex and looking up and down, raising my arms ect.
After that he asked me a few more questions and then told me he would need to keep my films overnight and said we could pick them up the following day. He asked me if I had any questions for him, and regrettably I asked him one and after I received somewhat of an answer he just sat there staring at his desk.
A weird silence past in which I wasn't sure what to do so I asked him if he was finished with me and he said, "yes have a good day," without even looking up at us.
When I left his office I burst into tears. This guy was a complete stranger to me and my case made me feel like a bug. He made me feel like I was an inconvenience to him, or a leech. I began to wonder why on earth he treated me so badly. Was he just a shite doctor? Was he just angry at my being late? Does he hate Americans? Does he think that people on workcover claims are just trying to steal from the system?
He repeated one question in particular that made me think he was suspicious of me. He asked me if I had at any time ever had any medical conditions other than this, and I said no. He then said, "never?" I said, "no." Then he said, "you've never been in a car accident?" I said, "no." "You've never been in hospital for any accidents?" Again, "no." He didn't seem to believe me.
I wrote a detailed letter of the event and sent it directly to my claims manager at my insurance company. I wanted them to know how unprofessional he was before he hands in his report. This way I don't look like I just don't like his report. I was contacted by my case manager's superior who told me they would, after receiving the report, have one of their staff discuss my letter with this doctor. So he will be made aware of how he made me feel. This I feel is good. Also they will do another independent if I feel it necessary. And this time I believe it is my right to choose which doctor I see. I will be asking my physio for the name of a good surgeon for it.
Of course this makes my new claim that is pending longer.. but I don't really have a choice. I can't imagine how this guy can assess me when he was obviously biased against me.
Sigh.
I know I mentioned this earlier when I was talking about doctor's in Aus, but seriously what is wrong here? Why do I keep having these f--ked up experiences with doctors?
I've got an appointment tomorrow with my normal GP and she is going to do a blood test so we can see if there is anything wrong with me that is causing my exhaustion other than work and the neck problems.
Lately I feel like I am drowning. Everything feels so hard. I also made an appointment to see a psychologist to talk about how I feel about the injury. The fact that has taken over my life and has been the center of it since the end of 2003 and doesn't seem to have an end in sight is really making me feel depressed. Everything is suffering. Up until recently I just wanted to keep it all together, pretend that it wasn't bothering me. But I can't pretend anymore. It is putting a lot of stress on me and it isn't letting up.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:13 AM
End of Week 1
My new name for Back to Basics is now
Operation Christmas PartiesMr. ralph and I have 4 Christmas parties between our work gatherings and social engagements to go to this year. I of course want to wear the
dress as previously mentioned to at least one or two of these events. It doesn't fit right now.
My mission is clear. I will look great for Christmas!
Okay so the battle of the bloat was successful. I drank heaps of water on Friday and ended up with a good result on the scale. Saturday being my official weigh-in day saw me at 68 kilos on the dot! That was a whopping 800 gram loss for the week. Not to shabby I might add.
This week I am aiming for nothing less than a one kilo or more loss. The plan is to be a bit more restrictive. I have already written out my meal plan for the week and am going to the grocery store when I get through with this entry to buy all the food for the week.
I've planned a bit under my point allowance because I will probably add a few snacks into the mix. To be honest I adapted a menu plan I found in a mag. It isn't very much food, but it is called the look great in shorts diet. It really should say starvation diet, but they write these things for a general audience.
So, yesterday I think I found my other dress. I looked pretty good in a size 10 too, but I didn't buy it. I don't know why, but for some reason I decided to wait. I hope it will still be there this week. It was chocolate brown with a low cut top. The strap was halter style but was gold chain that had a beautiful kelly green broach right in the middle of my chest. I wouldn't even need to wear a bra with it! It clung just a bit below the rib cage and simply flowed out A-line style to just below the knee. I wanted to show you a picture of it, but the company doesn't have it on their website. I think it may be very new stock.
They also had it in maroon, but the brown was the most gorgeous and I already have the shoes to match it.
I'm excited by getting myself ready for Christmas now. I want to look hot! hot! hot!
And
Beckie, I believe I have my motivation back! It's great isn't it?
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:00 AM
Sometimes it makes no sense
Normally I'd take today's weight gain in stride because it would be my fault really, but this week I've been trying. I haven't done all that well, but I've not done that bad either. Or so I thought.
I did weigh myself yesterday as well though, and was pretty happy that I had appeared to have lost 200 grams. But today, it is the opposite and I've instead gained 300. In the spirit of The Simpsons, Wha???
I think it may be just my body ballooning up. I'm experiencing a lot of agony lately, I feel the neck and shoulder muscles swelling and I have had to take some pain medication with codeine. We all know codeine is the dieters enemy.
Tomorrow's weight reading may be different, I sure freaking hope so. I can't believe the scale is back to 69.2. I can't be 69 kilos. I cannot let that happen. In my head 68 has been the ceiling, because 69 is just too close to 70. I know it is weird, but subconsciously this is what I've been thinking about.
So what did I do yesterday that could have caused this? I went over my points because I gave into a craving for salt and ate a bag of Twisties at work. I hadn't packed any salad or veggies to go with my sandwich and was still hungry.
I ate bread last night with dinner as well. We had chicken burgers. They were really lean and 3 point patties, but the bread on top of all the salt could be the problem.
I'm still contemplating if I should go back to my WW meetings or not. I know that I was a lot more disciplined when I was going, but I also have done it on my own before as well. I want to save the $ but I also want the support. It is not an easy decision. I've even thought about joining Jenny Craig but realize how stupid that would be since I know how to cook for myself and it would be a real waste of money for me to eat prepared meals. We just can't afford that luxury, even though it is really tempting to let someone else do all the thinking about food.
It gets really hard deciding what to eat. The things I want to eat never seem to fill me up anymore.
Sigh.
It doesn't look like I'm any closer to wearing that dress than I was on the weekend, but I'm not giving up. I'm getting more determined to do this than ever. Seeing 69 on the scale scared the hell out of me.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:37 AM
Day 3 --an update
So I started with great intentions, but Sunday wasn't as great a day as I would hope for day 1. I did keep my food journal and that is a plus!
I also didn't eat junk food.
Monday was much better although I felt subconsiously hungry all day. I allowed myself one treat at night, some low-fat icecream (one serve).
Exercise hasn't really happened yet, but I keep thinking about that dress. I have just about a month to get some weight moving so I can wear it.
I desperately want to wear it so I can have a unique dress that no one else has! I love the colours and the way it flows. It really is pretty, the light in my picture doesn't do it justice.
I also wanted to add that I never meant to infer that everyone who seeks gastric bypass is lazy and seeking surgery for a weight-loss cure all. Please don't take my comments to mean that. I just think that it is becomming too common-place in our society and something we should think about.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:07 AM
Back to Basics
Why haven't I posted all week? Well I've been pretty much the same. Nothing has changed in the last week. I still eat half healthy food, half crap food. I still probably weigh around 68 kilos (I haven't weighed because I was on my period this week). I still haven't been back to any Weight Watchers meetings.
I'm actually starting to feel fat in some of my clothes, because some of them were bought when I was down to 65 kilos. And yesterday I tried on a pair of jeans that were too tight when I was out shopping and thought a lot about this last 5 kilos.
Also, I ate KFC for dinner last night, so obviously I didn't think hard enough. Then I watched the Oprah special with Kirstie Alley...
On Oprah after Kirstie Alley did her promo for
Jenny Craig(tm), Oprah had a woman on who had gastric bypass and lost over 300 pounds. They showed these images of all of her hanging skin that had to be removed. She had already been through 5 surgical procedures and had something like 5 more to go.
What struck me as the most unusual is how accepting the world is now of gastric bypass as a means of weight loss. It amazes me how the number of people who are that obese is growing and growing. At my work alone I think there are at least 3-5 women who fall into this category. It is becoming so common place.
I'm not judging. Trust me I've had so many weight and food related issues I'm amazed that I didn't weight over 300 pounds before I finally got a hold of myself, but it scares me that people like Oprah are advocating and so accepting of this.
To me it sends a message. It says to people who are overweight that it doesn't matter how big they get because it is fixable with surgery. Does anyone else see a problem with this?
It just doesn't seem right.
For many people obesity problems begin in childhood, myself included. I was telling mr. ralph about all the sugary cereals I grew up eating and begging my mom to buy. She wanted us to eat Corn Flakes and raisin Bran (that is like your sultana bran) but we would beg for Captain Crunch and Coco Puffs etc. Sugar with milk. Really healthy stuff. Oh, and pop tarts, hot dogs, french fries, etc. I ate this stuff at school. We were fed junk food in the school cafeteria.
The number of things that need to be changed in order for Americans to become healthier are endless. It is a little depressing to get on this subject and now I'm regretting it. I think I need to wrap this up.
Needless to say I need to make some changes in my life right now.
I've decided to take a leaf from
Denise's book. I'm giving myself 2 weeks to get back to basics. My plan is simple, I will keep a food journal. I will not eat fast food or junk food. I will follow the WW point system, and I will exercise at least 3 times a week.
I will report as often as possible on how I'm doing. Wish me luck.
Christmas is just around the corner.
Addendum:
And speaking of Christmas, I bought this dress a few months ago:
It was a great find and of course it is vintage. When I bought it, it was snug. The inner part of the dress is so tight now that my waist bulges under it. I put it on yesterday, because I wanted to see just how tight it is now. It was depressing. The only chance I have to wear something like this is to Christmas functions which all begin in just over a month from now.
I'd say I need to lose at least 3 kilos for the dress to look nice, and maybe 4 for it to be comfortable.
And now I have a reason.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:40 AM
Generally unwell
So lately I've been feeling under the weather.
At first it was a sore throat that led to coughing, and now the coughing has almost subsided but the sore throat has returned. I went to the doctor last week and was told that I probably had a virus. I didn't take any antibiotics because I didn't have any symptoms (except the swollen glands) that led me to believe I had an infection of any kind.
This weekend my shoulders and neck started to ache and not in the usual spot on the left side which is normally due to exertion and the bulging disc, but this time I'm mostly sore on the right side.
What worries me is I have no idea what is causing this. Also I've had some rather unusual bowel habits at even in this forum is a little personal to discuss.
So now I have a sore throat, sore shoulders and neck, and I have a severe upset stomach.
How wonderful!
Want to know something that boggles my mind the most? Somehow I managed to drop a kilo last week without even trying. That's right. I stepped on my scale on Saturday morning, fearful of what the verdict would be, only to find that I had mysteriously lost a kilo and weighed 67.4 again.
I don't know if this will remain the case because I proceeded to eat a lot on Saturday and drink even more on Saturday night, but I was happymomentarily with my fortune.
Now to answer the million dollar question. How did I come up with the goal of 63 kilos? Well a few years ago I submitted myself to Weight Watchers, pledging to do my best to get down to a goal weight and hopefully become a lifetime member.
The original goal weight was in pounds because I had not been exposed to kilograms. I can't for the life of me remember what the goal weight was, except I know it was whatever the heaviest weight WW would allow me for my age and height.
Since then I have left and rejoined WW a number of times and have kept my goal weight as the heaviest possible weight within my healthy weight range. I've looked at a number of different published charts regarding healthy weight ranges, and trust me 63 kilos is on the high end. I could stand to get down to 53 kilos probably.
I may look relatively thin at my current weight because I was blessed with a small waistline, but in the same respect I was also blessed with an ample rear and large thighs. Trust me, if you could see the extra weight I carry south of the border (which I cleverly never show in photos) you would understand how 63 is probably still not low enough, but alas I am setting my sights on 63 (to be healthy) don't ya know!
I understand the concern that I may spend the rest of my life in constant stress and worry about the number on the scale. Although I probably will end up doing that anyway, it is not something we should worry about presently. I am in no danger of becoming "too thin". That is an impossibility.
I've been in this position before, more than a few times. My body gets to a certain weight and just stops. Be it fatigue or just some scientific mystery, my body wants to put things on hold. I know it will pass, it may take weeks, it may take months, but sooner or later I will get this show on the road and reach that goal. Here's hoping that I can still do it before Christmas.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:34 PM
Making Goals
Okay. I do get the point. I know it may seem silly for me to keep hammering on about the same 5-6 kilos I have left to loose, when you see pictures that clearly demonstrate that I do not look like a girl that should be on a diet.
I love you
honestyrain, I really do. You're one of my top 5 favorite bloggers. Your comment yesterday meant a lot to me because I know why you wrote it, and I know you meant well, but the truth is this is not about being on a diet.
It is about reaching goal. When I started out on this journey so very long ago at 105 kilos I made the goal to be 63 kilos. If I stop now what kind of person would I be?
I can't stop. I have to reach my goal because it is what I set out to do. I know that being 68 kilos isn't that bad, and I can look in the mirror, take pictures, where fitted shirts, wear belts, and sleeveless shirts without any embarrassment. But I am still not at goal.
I know it is just a number. It isn't the end all be all of my existence, but I need to do it, for myself. I need to know that I can see this through.
A lot of what I am going through right now is exactly how you describe. I am indeed afraid, hopelessly nah helplessly afraid that the weight will pile back on. That one day I will wake up and the blob will be staring at me again. But I think this is normal for someone who once weighed 105 kilos.
I might always dislike my arms, and my thighs, but I've never ever had mini-skirt legs, and I've never had nice sculpted pretty arms. I want to. I don't know if being 63 kilos will give me that, in fact I'm pretty damn sure it won't, but it can't hurt me. It is nowhere near a dangerous weight to be since my healthy weight range goes as low as 51 kilos or some other hilarious digit.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I do hear you. I agree with a lot you have to say, but I can't give up on this, and to use a very bad saying, the fat lady has not sung and indeed will not until I've made it.
Addendum:
I just read this entry:
forever different, following a link from DG's site, and it is basically an entry by a woman who was once obese. It really depressed me to think about how I will always have this battle to keep my weight under control. So depressing. Anyway cheerio.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
2:44 PM
Long Weekend
I still haven't got my shit together, but that probably doesn't come as a big surprise. I spend half my time counting WW points and the other half just eating whatever the hell I want. This is what in the south one would call a "half-assed" diet attempt.
I believe
Beckie to be right on the money. I don't see a payoff, at least not an immediate one.
I had a look at some photos taken of myself yesterday. The truth is the only part of my body I cringe when I look at is my arms. I actually wish I could do some weight training on them, but I can't. The problems with my spine in my neck prevent me from doing anything. If I keep up my regular strength exercises given to me by my physio, I will eventually get to where I can, but I don't think it will be in time for sculpted arms
this summer.
I also wish I could start skipping again. I miss it. But I can't do anything like that, I can't even jog. It sucks. Walking just doesn't get the heart rate up as much as I think I need to push my body harder.
I've always had large, jiggly arms, it is a family trait. These arms actually look good compared to how they were at my highest weight of course. I never work short sleeved shirts or tank tops before about a year ago.
As for this weekend, I'm sick. Mr. ralph gave me a throat infection that he has been suffering with and I haven't felt like doing anything. I did get my hair highlighted on Saturday morning, and I love it. Can you see it in the pictures? What do you think? I was thinking of going more blonde as time goes on. I need to do it in stanges.
We went to the McClaren Vale yesterday with Scotty and his friend to do some wine tasting and the day really wiped me out. I think I am on the upswing though. Whether or not this will help me on the weight-loss front, I don't know.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:45 AM
Hi. This blog used to be all about weight loss, but now it is more.
I hope you and hubby feel better soon :-(
(I'm glad you have found an Aussie doctor that you like - I didn't mean to be as pissy as I might have sounded in my comment before -I love your honesty and the progress you make in your life. I'm sorry if I was thoughtless and became a meanie commenter)
Lisa
Oh DEAR!!!
I hope you feel a million times better today!
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