Fairy Tales Do Come True...
It can happen to you!
Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments on the pictures of me in my dress. That dress has held me mesmerized since the very moment I saw it.
Although you can't tell it in the pictures I poured myself into it and it fit like a glove. What you can't see is the very bottom as it was floor length even with platform Steve Madden's on! I had to wear the highest heels I have, and no one could even see them.
I have to say that I felt so beautiful with it on, the feeling was only second to my wedding day. The way the bottom of the dress floats when I walk is just so girly and pretty.
The night was very fun. The turn out from my office wasn't huge, most of the people there were strangers to me, but I was feeling so good I made it a great time anyway.
I introduced mr. ralph to my big boss (3 levels up) and his wife. After that they came up to us and asked us to dance! Mr. ralph was dancing! And he was doing a great job.
They were giving away door prizes and one of them was for the best dancer of the night so I kept dragging mr. ralph onto the floor. And guess what? We won!
We took home with us the DVD box set of The Godfather! The whole night had just paid for itself. It was sweet!
The food was good but I didn't eat a lot because you simply can't eat too much when your dress is like a second skin, so the dress did me more than one favour on the night.
My guesstimation of my weight on Friday was right on the money. I weighed myself on Saturday and the scale said 67 exactly. How good am I?
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:15 AM
Ta da!
And here it is!
So what do you think eh?
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:40 AM
Oh and about that dress....
Dinner tonight is mixed nuts and frontinac. Mmmm! Yummy too.
I survived this week at work, just barely. Finally my team leader has decided to be super supportive and has been giving me a lot of off the phone work. It has helped,
some.
I don't really think I need to tell most of you this, but the answer to my problem isn't really as simple as finding another job. I wish it was, but I don't plan on living here forever and I am on workcover. It is complicated. End of story. I will work where I do until I move. I will take each day as it comes. And of course I will bitch about it here, because I can.
I also can't simply turn on and off my emotions by telling myself I should be positive. It would be terrific if it worked that way, but because I am human I will continue feeling the way I do until something actually changes inside me.
There have been a few changes. Most of them are good. I have lost a small amount of weight. I think I weigh around 67 kilos. I'm not sure. I can almost fit into that gorgeous
dress (still don't know if I can wear it tomorrow), and I am feeling a bit more like myself.
I'm not crying about the friend that decided to take a break from me. It is not because I don't miss her, or feel bad about her decision, it is because I think she has made up her mind and there is nothing I can do to change it. Simple as that.
I feel that the psychologist is helping me and I look forward to making more headway as time goes on.
And I will let you know soon if I wear the
dress or not. It is still a tad snug.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:34 PM
Do you want what you can't have?
On the way home from work I saw a girl with the figure I want, but will never have.
She was young; I think probably around 16 or 17. She was tall with lean legs and she was wearing a pair of trendy short shorts with a t-shirt. She also had amazingly perfect large breasts.
I admittedly stared for a moment at her because she didn't have one single blemish. She is so beautiful.
I couldn't stop myself from thinking about how I will never be that thin, I will probably never wear short shorts, and I definitely will never have those boobs.
I wish I didn't look longingly at the things other people have and envy them, but I do.
But I don't think I am the only one.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:50 PM
Kicked when down
I just received an email from my friend basically telling me she believes I am sorry for what I wrote, but has decided that she wants a break from our friendship. She feels really positive right now and is sorry that I am "down in the dumps," and wishes me the best.
Down in the dumps?
I'm trying to understand her actions by telling myself that she simply does not understand depression or how it affects people.
I will be okay. I will make it through this because I have mr. ralph, and he is the most amazing man in the world. He will never leave me.
I wanted to write about this, but now I don't really know what else to say. I miss my home and my family so much right now.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:01 AM
I am being mocked
I feel like I am living in a real life nightmare and any minute now I will wake up and discover that it was just a bad dream.
I am still digesting what happened to me yesterday, so bear with me.
I had the day off and was set to go into the city to pick up the brown dress off of lay-by and purchase some beads to make one of my dear friends a necklace when I stood up from the couch and had a very bad pain shoot from my lower back downward. I walked a few steps to see if it would pass and it did not. I ended up on my bed in tears because every move I made ended in searing pain.
Mr. ralph rang my physio who sent one of her colleagues to my house for a home visit because the pain was so bad I could barely move.
This was the first pain I've ever really felt in my lower back so I was very shocked and couldn't believe how bad it was. She stayed for a while to determine where the pain was originating from but it was too difficult because it felt too general and what I really needed was some pain medicine. She ended up speaking to my GP who saw me in the afternoon and ordered some CT scans of my lower back.
I spent almost the entire day yesterday lying down on my back or my side because that was the most comfortable position. This Today when I woke up the pain was significantly less, but still present.
The CT scan revealed that my bottom two discs are bulging, the lowest one being the worst of the two. This my GP said was probably aggravated by the way I sat and then stood up suddenly. I don't even remember sitting twisted or anything!
She thinks that I must have done a lot of heavy lifting to have this type of damage. All I can think of is the job I had working for the Uni bakery in Albuquerque NM where I had to do lifting.
Sigh.
I've had to have today and tomorrow off of work and I will see my doctor again on Saturday to see if I can return on Monday.
I cried for about 3 hours straight while I was waiting to go to the doctor on Wednesday. I cannot seem to understand why this is happening to me, no matter how hard I try.
I know that there are people who have a lot more to suffer than I do, but I am trying to deal with what is happening to me the very best way I can.
So now what?
I have pain to deal with from my neck and my lower back. Do you ever feel like God is mocking you? I have to say, this is how I feel right now.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:58 PM
This entry should have a disclaimer, you've been warned
I just returned from the psychologist, who from now on I will refer to as R.
I have to write now while it is all still fresh. So many ideas are swirling around. I've forgotten how insightful and amazing it is to have this time to talk without worrying about what the other person is thinking.
And did I ever talk.
There were a few themes, one of them being my friend that I upset by writing about her on here. I've been feeling so bad about hurting her and in talking about it with R. I realize how much I project the way I would feel onto other people. I assume that she feels exactly the same way I would in the same situation, but of course my friend is her own person.
When I talked about my friend with R. all of the things I love about her were revealed and I also realized I probably have never told her these things. One of the main things that drew me to her as a friend is her confidence; I love how she feels secure and sexy and wears and basically says anything she feels like. She is my complete opposite in that regard and I adore and envy that about her.
One of the main reasons I haven't been spending a lot of time talking to her lately is because I fear that she will get tired of hearing me complain about my problems because all I think about is the pain I am in.
When I got home tonight I phoned her to apologize in person because saying you're sorry to someone in an email is very lame. I got her voicemail. But I still left a message saying how sorry I am and I really hope she knows how much she means to me.
The other themes were work, the pain, my family, my weight obsession, and my sexual abuse. In the end how I really feel was painfully obvious.
I don't feel that after all the shit that has happened to me in my life that it is fair that I should have to deal with this neck problem. I'm only 30 fucking years old! Why does this have to happen to me?
I am what I hate. I hate being powerless and this degenerative neck disease renders me powerless. I can't do anything about it. I have a GP, a physio-therapist, a psychologist, a lawyer, a rehabilitation specialist, a worker's compensation case manager, and am waiting to be referred to a occupational physician. And (this is the kicker!) not
one of these people can do what I want,
nah what I
need .
No one can take away my pain.
No one can make me all better again.
This will not happen.
I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life and it SUCKS. It sucks so fucking much.
I thought that the worst was put behind me and that in essence my life was looking up. I married the most fabulous man in the world, I lost a shit load of weight, I got myself together! I really did. You should have seen the coping mechanisms I've gotten rid of! I've come so far. And here I am in a hole again. Here I am at what feels like home base. All I want to do is throw in the towel.
On Saturday the first thing my doctor said to me was, "you have lost more weight, you will need to be careful on pr0zac because it does make you lose weight." What?? I may have lost a half of a kilo, maybe a kilo. Trust me I'm in no danger of anorexia. The hunger has returned full force this week.
Tonight I was feeling so fat that I changed 3 times before going to my psychologist appointment and when I arrived she said, "Wow I think you've lost weight since I've seen you."
Why can't I see that? And seriously how sad is it that while I am popping pain pills and feeling like the world is going to end because of my neck, I can still find time to beat myself up about my thighs?
Face it, I'm hopeless. I'm a sad, sad, soul. Even to me it looks like the appointment tonight didn't bode well for my mood, but it has me thinking! I need to get these issues under control.
If you've read this far thank you. You deserve an ovation.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:26 PM
It gets worse before it gets better
I have to think this is true. It has got to get better than this.
Yesterday I received an anoymous comment from one of my real life friends because something I said on here about her offended her. I was devastated. After re-reading what I wrote I knew that if it were me I would have felt exactly the same way she does.
I've apologised and tried making ammends but she is still mad at me, as she has every right to be. I haven't been the best friend I could be in the past few months. I've sunk into depression and in the course of that have avoided everyone I know. I haven't wanted to talk about it, I haven't wanted to do anything. Above all I haven't been interested or involved in anyone elses life. To put it simply I have been very selfish.
Navel gasing is not attractive.
Today I had to see one of my physiotherapist's collegues because she was booked out for the week and I was an emotional wreck for the whole thing. As I was leaving my normal physio saw me and asked how I was. I started crying in the lobby in front of the receptionist. I told her that although I should have realised it a long time ago it is just now beginning to sink in that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Her response?
She said that many people have bulging discs and don't have any symptoms. But the thing is, I do. I have pain every day. My job exasperates my symptoms, and I need to work. We would be bankrupt if I quit my job. I don't have the luxury of staying at home full-time waiting for the symptoms to stop, and that is probably what I need to do.
I weighed myself today and I weighed 67.2. That is lower than my latest weight recorded on the left-hand bar. I don't know if I will change it yet. I spent so long obsessing about my friend when I woke up today that I didn't eat my 40g high-fibre ceral until 2pm, I ate at tuna sandwhich at 4pm, and for dinner I had 50g lindt chocolate.
I'm not hungry. I'm tired, and I'm sad. I don't know how to cope with what is happening to me.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:49 PM
Dark Day
Yesterday was probably one of the lowest days emotionally that I have had in a long time.
It wasn't that the lawyer made me feel bad, but talking about my health with her made it painfully clear that I am going to be like this for the rest of my life. Usually people develop degenerative neck disease when they are seniors. I am the lucky one that has it at the age of 30.
After I walked around the city for a while, and put some cash down on the brown dress I went home and crawled into my bed.
I can report that the pr0zac isn't really helping. Plus I broke one of the rules by drinking an entire bottle of wine last night.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:01 AM
New Developments
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a lawyer to discuss my workcover situation. For some reason this scares me, but I'm not sure why. Maybe because the future is on shaky ground? All I know is I'm frightened.
Today I went in to work to get some of my workcover documents because I'm meant to take everything with me to the lawyer's office tomorrow and I asked my team leader if I could copy some of the reports they have that I may be missing. I didn't tell him why, but he seemed strange about it and told me he would do it and post them to me. Doesn't really help me for tomorrow though.
I weighed myself for curiosity sake this morning and discovered that I am down to 67.6. This is good. The major side effect I am experiencing since taking pr0zac (today was day 4) is I am not very hungry.
I didn't eat dinner last night but I thought it was mainly because I ate breakfast at 12pm and then lunch around 3:30pm. At dinner time I wasn't hungry and I had a bag of nuts throughout the day and just didn't feel like eating it. This is not like me at all. I never skip dinner.
And tonight I had my psychologist appointment at 7pm and mr. ralph had his lodge meeting at 7 as well so we decided to eat later. It is 8:35 now and I'm cooking the lamb steaks but am not hungry. I don't know if I should make myself eat or not....
The psychologist appointment wasn't exactly what I imagined it to be. We just sat there talking about the different things that have happened to me in the past week. It was more like catching up with a girlfriend than anything else. The hour flew by and before I knew it the taxi pulled up outside.
She seems to be a very lovely woman. She has already paid me a few compliments, but one has to think this is an occupational hazard. It would be necessary for her to build a good relationship with her clients, but still it is nice. For instance tonight mentioned my weight loss and she seemed surprised and said, "so I wonder what you looked like before at that size because you are hugely attractive now." I was a bit taken back by that, because I don't see myself in that light.
So I'm nervous about tomorrow, but I'm sure that the end result will be good. Hopefully she will help me put the future in perspective. And the hunger issue? I'm not really going to worry about it at the moment. If I loose weight due to taking these pills I can't see how that would be a bad thing.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:30 PM
I love The Simpsons
This is my new favorite website. Updated every Sunday. Check it out.
This is my first day off. My GP gave me a week. I only hope that it will be enough. The main thing that is worrying me is I don't think I should continue working there at all, but I can't afford to quit.
So what am I doing today? Watching The Simpsons.
I woke up around 8 and called work to let them know that I wouldn't be coming in today, or for the rest of the week. I emailed my team leader to explain in more detail and left my phone # for him if he wanted to call me.
Then I took some pain pills and went back to sleep. I didn't think I could fall back asleep but I eventually did and I slept until noon. My team leader did call but only to tell me he wants me to feel better and they (work) only want to help me. This is somewhat hard for me to believe, but whatever.
I'm on my 3rd day of 20mg of pr0zac. I don't think they start to make a difference until around day 4 and real effects don't start until after 4 weeks. I have been on it before and am not worried about side-effects because the only ones I had before were good ones.
The blood test revealed that I've had glandular fever. We figured out this had to be this winter when I was really sick with swollen glands. This is one of the many reasons why I've been so damn tired. It is also another reason I was susceptible to the depression.
I didn't weight myself this weekend, I thought it best not to. Although, I feel like I have probably lost a little weight since I've been following the
CSIRO diet. I bought the book and feel like the diet is very healthy and easy to follow. I've had a few things that were off the diet, but otherwise have been following it strictly.
This is what I am allowed to eat every day:
40 grams high fibre cereal
2 serves of dairy (200 ml skim milk, 50g cheese, 200g yogurt)
2 serves of fruit
100g protein with lunch
2 slices whole meal bread (or the equivalent)
200g protein with dinner
1 serve soup
Salads and vegetables are unlimited as it was on Weight Watchers. You can swap the bread allowance for potato, rice, or pasta.
The book has lots of receipes and even lists 12 weeks of menu plans. Since mr. ralph and I eat a lot of healthy food anyway not much has changed except I find I am eating more healthy stuff. Mr. ralph is giving it a go too, although I know he finds it difficult to eat all the fruit and dairy he is meant to.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
2:15 PM
Did you know?
I should have known or seen the signs, but I was in denial. I made an appointment to see a psychologist last week because I knew deep down that things have not been right since the beginning of my new injury.
One might say it was the beginning of the end.
I haven't been able to get control of my eating or exercise, I haven't been interested in seeing my friends, I haven't been interested in sex, or much of anything at all. I've been completely exhausted and work takes all of my energy. I have lots of pain and live day to day wondering what the next one will bring.
I've cried a lot more than usual as well. You could say I am overwhelmed, but what you should say is I am depressed.
I didn't want it to be true, but sadly it is.
The psychologist was shocked that I am working full time hours. She had me do a psychological assessment. I will see the results on Tuesday. She is going to send my GP a letter regarding my mental health and I will be seeing her on Saturday morning. I don't know what the blood test will show, but I think she is probably going to recommend some sort of anti-depressant.
The concept isn't new to me. About 5 years ago I was on pr0zac and I actually faired quite well on it.
I saw my physio today and she has written a letter for me to give my GP recommending I take at least 1-2 weeks off work and when I return that I do so on a part-time basis at least until things begin to improve with my health and my psychological well-being.
Even now all I want to do is cry. And you know what the worst part is? I feel angry at myself for being sad. I so badly hate not being in control of my feelings that I am mad about it.
How frustrating is that?
Thank you for the compliments on my hat and retro outfit. I had a good time dressing up and it is fun for me to make things. I really love it.
I don't know what Saturday will bring. I have to think that my GP will go along with my physio's recommendation. I don't really care what work will think of it because they are the ones that have put me in this position to start with. I cannot continue to work full-time with this pain and inflammation in my neck/shoulder. It is killing me physically and mentally.
And I was doing so well. Sigh.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
4:05 PM
Melbourne Cup Day
I was feeling better today, haven't spoken much to mr. ralph, but he did go to work so we shall see...
I frocked up for a work competiton because today was Melbourne Cup Day.
What do you think of my self-designed hat?
And here is the outfit, funky eh?
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:52 PM
Hi. This blog used to be all about weight loss, but now it is more.
It's so very nice to see you smiley.
The dress is really beautiful, just like you.
I am so glad you had a good time. I know what you mean about wearing something that makes you feel so good. Too bad there isn't video of you guys dancing!!
Ohhhhhh my favourite clothing 'feeling' is when floaty material skims the tops of my feet. Makes me feel all girly!
Best dancers!!!! Way to go! Thats gotta rack up some activity points.
Sweet Jesus, I would kill to be 67 kilos. That explains your dynamite waist!
"How good am I?"
well...soo soooooo sooooooooooo good babe!!!!!!!
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