Work from the inside out
Every new year for most of my life has been about making new plans to lose weight. I make a pact, write a contract, buy a book, join a weight-loss club, or all of the above. I do it hard and I do it with gusto for at least 2-3 weeks before it starts to crack and fade.
I can't say I've never been successful with my attempts to lose weight, because that would be a lie. I've lost just over 30 kilos and actually kept it off.
I still have 5 kilos to lose before I'm in my normal weight bracket, and 10 before I will feel satisfied with myself. The past year has been a very difficult one in the life of ms. ralph. If you read here then I don't have to tell you about it.
Let's just say that I'm lucky I didn't gain back the 30 kilos and then some. I've faced a lot of crap and although I've been stuck somewhere between 66-69 kilos for the better part of the year, I consider myself very lucky.
I just read an entry written by
Airlie, one of the most open and soul baring entries she has ever written. It has inspired me to remember an author that I fell in love with around 5 years ago,
Geneen Roth. She is a legend in writing about emotional eating.
I eat because I like it. I eat because it makes me feel good. I eat because it is comforting. I eat because it tastes so good. I eat because I have a very strong emotional tie to it, one that is not easily broken.
I have forgotten for too long that I have to work on this from the inside out. I knew this, I've done it, but I need to do it again. I have to deal with the emotions, the things that cause me pain.
For example there is the so called friend I wrote about in the previous entry. She has really rocked my emotional world this past month and a half. You wouldn't think so, but her name comes up in every single psych appointment I have. She has caused a rift in my life. I'm mad, I'm sad, and I'm eating my feelings.
I hope if you suffer emotional eating like me you will also find an inspiration to help you through it. I highly recommend this author to you. Give it a go. You won't be sorry.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:33 AM
Pre-2006 mode
Hello everyone. Hope you all had a great Christmas. I know I did. Did I eat a lot? Oh yes I did! Did I have a great time? But of course. I'm kicking mr. guilt in the head right now.
I haven't written in a while because I've been doing a lot of thinking. I know, that can be quite scary, but this has been the good kind.
I'd like to dedicate today's entry to a special man, my husband's late father who died today 2 years ago. I could fill thousands of pages with a tribute to what a great man he was, and how much he was loved by everyone. But today I simply want to remind everyone to celebrate the ones you love while they are here. Also, remember to be true to yourself, be true to your word, and be true to your friends. It is a very sad thing when a friend betrays a friend. There are wounds that are almost impossible to heal.
This entry is a testament to living. I have for so long been too forgiving and allowed poisionous people ro hurt me because I've felt that maybe I deserve it, this being a symptom left over from my abusive childhood where I told myself I was to blame for the way I was treated. I have taken a stand against this, and no longer will allow hateful people to stay in my life. A week before Christmas I decided to give one of my Aussie friends the boot forever. You may remember her, she was the one that visited this blog a while ago and left a comment about how upset she was that I referred to her weight problems on my blog. She then decided I wasn't worth forgiving for being so thoughtless and telling the truth on my blog and told me she wanted a "break" from our friendship.
I was devastated. I felt really horrible for hurting her with this blog. It was a very difficult time because I was also in the very worst of my depression at the same time.
Now the reason I have decided that she isn't worthy of my friendship ever again has to do with something that she did which I can never forgive. Back just after hurricane Katrina wrecked my parents roof and had them temporarily without jobs and displaced she and her sister told me that their family was going to take up a collection amongst themselves and send it directly to my parents. I thought that was the most wonderful thing ever so of course to cheer up my parents who were experiencing one of the most depressing times in their life, I told them about my friends generosity.
After this girl got my parents address and told me she was sending the money I kind of forgot about it. My mom brought it up a few times to say it had not arrived but I told her to give it a little time since mail can take a while from here to there. But a few weeks ago my mom became really worried that this money order may be lost in the mail because she had something like that happen to her when she sent me birthday money a year or so back.
Now because I had been told by her that she wanted a break from me I went to work and emailed the sister to see if she knew why it was taking so long, and if they had kept the receipt on the money order so they could trace it.
Her reply was like a kick in the shins. It took her a few days to respond because she had to here the treachery first hand. She told her sister that she decided that since my parents were already back at work that she didn't want to send them the money anymore and sent it to the American Red Cross instead.
First of all I was not born yesterday and she did not send that to the American Red Cross. I'm 100% certain that she kept the money her family donated and probably bought something for herself. She spent it with the intention to send it, but forgot about it of course. And when she was reminded about it now decided instead of sending it (the right thing to do) she would lie because no one would know. To be fair, since I cannot prove she didn't give it to the Red Cross, it wouldn't change anything about the way I feel if she did. She told me she was sending the money to my family. They approached me and said they would rather give money to someone they knew that needed it. To then tell me they changed their minds?? Unbelievable.
To me this is one of the worst betrayals I've ever experienced from someone who was meant to be a friend.
Even in my letter to her after she told me she wanted a "break" I thanked her profusely for her kind generosity to my parents after the hurricane. That didn't make her feel bad, she didn't even have the guts to tell me herself that she didn't send the money.
As you can imagine this experience has caused me a lot of pain. I have had to lie to my mother and make her believe that the money order is indeed lost. To tell her the truth would break her heart and my heart being broken is enough. I've talked it over with my psychologist and have uncovered that it is causing me to comfort eat as well.
Not long after I talked to R. about it I had a nightmare in which my brother accused me of making my parents think that they had money coming for help in redoing the roof and that they spent money in anticipation and now it was all my fault. She made me feel guilty for telling them about it.
I finally wrote to her again, a few days before Christmas. A very short email to tell her that I am not interested in being her friend anymore and that I may never be able to forgive her what she did.
There has been no response. I didn't really think she would. What could she possiby say in her defense?
So that has given me some closure, except I still have thought about it since then.
You'll be pleased to note that the scale has not ruled my life. I weighed myself just after I wrote the previous entry and I weighed a nice 68 kilos. I haven't weighed myself since.
I've got a few ideas and plans in store for how I will live with my eating and weight loss efforts in 2006, but I save these for the New Years entry. I hope all of my readers have a very safe and happy new years. Take care and remember that it is okay once in a while to eat and drink just the way you want to.
Here's to a new year. Bring it on!
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:22 AM
Back, well sort of...
Where do I begin? We are now in the final stretch before Christmas and I'm feeling the stress. I have to be perfectly honest with all of you regarding my food and my weight. I don't even know how much I weigh because I am terrified of the scale. I don't think I've gained very much because I can still wear the same clothes, but I know that I'm not doing well.
Mr. ralph and I have had a lot of Christmas dinner parties and still more to go. I've drunk a lot of alcohol and ate a lot of food! I didn't even care. We also went to Tassy for a conference that mr. ralph was a part of, and you know how eating is on holiday.
This week isn't going to be any better either. I've committed myself to making chocolate chip cookies to sell, and I've got things to do almost every night this week.
Oh and needless to say I haven't done my Christmas shopping either. We have a few items but the majority of the shopping will of course be last minute. The best kind eh?
You know what I'm thinking? I'll be stoked if I can just make it through the holidays without going insane and gaining 5 kilos. I know I need to face the scale sooner or later. I'm thinking maybe tomorrow morning I will do the dreaded deed so I at least know where I stand going into Chrismtas.
There are other things on my mind at the moment. Things I'm reluctant to talk about. I want to get it off my chest, but I think I may wait to talk to R. my psychologist on Wednesday before I do a big spill here.
Sorry for being away for so long. I have so many blogs to catch up on now too!
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:29 AM
photo sharing of the Christmas party
Here are a few of the good photos taken from my work Christmas party.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:05 AM
So not impressed
Tonight I had my psych appointment, but instead of 7 it was set to be 7:30 because I had to work later.
I had to catch the bus and hurry to get to the appointment on time, and as I was starving I tried to eat an order of wedges (I know not the best choice) and I burnt my tongue trying to eat them fast as well as only finishing about 1/4 of them. I gave the remaining very hot, very fresh wedges to a couple that were just sitting down waiting on their food so they wouldn't throw them away.
I rush myself over to her house where she holds the appointments and there is a card on the door with my name on it.
What?
So I open it and inside is 3 $10 dollar notes and a scrawled message that says: Thanks for letting me take R. away from you tonight, it is a very important function. Here is the money for your taxi fare. signed J.
Again, What?
I was so not impressed. I had just given away food! Arrgh. I had worried I would be late even.
So I caught a taxi home and then had to ring and cancel my booked taxi that was meant to be picking me up after the appointment.
What really made me angry was the fact that she of all people should know that it is just not cool to do that.
I had 2 distraught messages on my home phone. One was left at 6pm saying she hoped I could change the time but if I didn't call her she would be there. The next was at 6:40 pm stating that she was sorry if I went to her house and wasted my time but decided to go because she will be meeting the governor.
So yeah, not impressed.
I left her a message saying how unimpressed I was, but acknowledged that I was glad at least she tried to reach me.
I will be in Tasmania next week so I hope she reschedules me for the end of the week.
And on the food front. I'm so not eating right. I'm eating like a person that doesn't have a food addiction and doesn't need to watch what they eat. Somehow when I started seeing a flat tummy I decided I didn't need to worry about this so much anymore. I need to find a happy medium so I don't gain any weight back.
I'm still 5 kilos, 10 pounds outside my goal.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:11 PM
A day of desire
Today I had so many cravings. On the way to work I couldn't stop thinking about Krispy Kreme donuts and this place in Albuquerque that sold these huge cinnamon buns covered in butter. Mmmmm. So when I got to work instead of eating my bran cereal like a good little girl I got a chocolate covered donut.
I figured since I wanted it so bad I had better listen to my craving.
Now I want chocolate! Go figure.
I wore jeans to work today because it is a casual day and the ones I choose are size AU12 but are falling off of me. It makes me feel skinny to wear them.
At work, a colleague that knows a little about my situation with my injury said to me that she has noticed over the last few day I seem to be more cheerful and have a spring in my step.
It has been exactly one month on the pr0zac, and I have to agree there has been MUCH improvement.
Hallelujah.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:09 PM
Hi. This blog used to be all about weight loss, but now it is more.
hey gorgeous girl! thank you so much for mentioning little old me. I actually think that you have been way successful in your journey, you have just hit what I like to call "speedbumps". Its like when you leave a shopping centre and you are driving and you see the exit and you start headinf for it and just when you feel like you are going to get through it, you have to slow down to go over a speed hump.
Your friend is a speedhump. She is bigger than normal speedhumps and you may have to approach her at a higher acceleration to get over her but she is still just a speedhump!
Here's to getting over those final speedhumps in 2006 hey?
ps - I am in adelaide next week to be with Mum for her chemo treatment - I would love to catch up and buy you a coffee?
Thanks for the book recommendation. Now that I can't eat my feelings, I will need to find an alternate outlet.
I think 2005 has been a great success for your weight goal, and I continued to be inspired by you.
I actually went to a Geneen Roth seminar and it really changed my thinking in many, many ways. Highly recommend all of her books and, if you love cats like I do, most especially The Craggy Hole in My Heart and the Cat Who Fixed It. (DO NOT forget your Kleenex - you have been warned!)
My dearest dearest darling! (is this goodenglish now? ;)
For an emotional eater, going through what you went through emotionally this year, and still maintaining their almost to goal weight, is quite an achievement, and dont you dare tell yourself otherwise!
Getting rid of toxic people is a tough job indeed. And you did it! You have to realise your strength and use it!
Have a great New years eve, and a fantastic new year!
We'll be together in this till the end!!!
You are fabulous. In all ways possible..
I found this and thought of you the second it loaded! http://www.betseyjohnson.com/shop/shop.asp?Cid=1011
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