Ow Oww Owwww!
When you begin to suspect it is time to get new walking shoes, do not wait for a rock to fall from the sky on your head before you do it.
I walked for a cumulative 1 hour and 30 minutes yesterday.
I so rock! Of course I am tres proud of my accomplishments.
I decided to see if I could walk to the bus stop near my physio's office before work, and then decided to do it again after work.
It was during the walk home that my feet started hurting. On my right foot one of my toes was seriously killing, and on my left foot I developed a blister. I knew I needed new shoes! I had noticed the soles wearing down a few months ago.
I announced to mr. ralph as I walked through the door, "It is time for new shoes, my feet hurt! And by the way I've walked for an hour and a half today!" [had to throw in that for the effect]
So I plopped myself on the sofa and took off my shoes flipping them over to discover that right where my little toe was hurting is a hole! I was shocked to see that I must have been feeling the pavement for most of the journey home.
Gah!
I don't have time to go anywhere to buy shoes today either, and I have my pilates class [thanks for the correct spelling ;)] today too. I don't need shoes for it because I use equipment, but I wanted to walk home again. I may have to wear these other shoes I have for today, but they are more of a "look" shoe than a walking shoe, if you know what I mean. They have no arch support, and although Italian-made aren't for walking. But at least I won't be feeling the pavement.
I've been using
Sparkpeople like a mofro. I didn't use it on the weekend because I don't think fruity cocktails and garbage are listed in the food lists. I just may have to add them in *wink*. But I've been creating food groups and inputting my favorite foods by
figuring out how many calories they have etc.
By the way I noticed you are using it too
Bec, and if you like chocolate icecream the bulla 98% fat free chocolate icecream bars only have 75 calories.
For example, yesterday according to Sparks calculations I ate around 1300 calories [remember it is 1500 for me to stay the same weight] and I burned almost 300 with my walking. Not to shabby. And, and... we ate Gnocchi for dinner. My own concoction. It was delish. I put chicken pieces in cacciatore sauce with veggies and the gnocchi. It was the highest caloric meal of the day, but I loved it.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:15 AM
Giving myself a break
Before the
epiphany I had earlier this week I would judge how good my week was by what my weight was at the end of it. As of this morning I still weight 71 kilos, but this has been one hell of a terrific week.
I am walking again, and enjoying it! When I woke up this morning I went for a 50 minute walk and that is totally amazing for a Sunday.
I exercised every day except Saturday, and I had reasons. I went to a hen's night on Friday night and stayed up mega late chatting. I needed the rest.
I over-ate yesterday, mainly because I was tired and couldn't be bothered. I had a big think about this whole weekend rubbish eating thing on my walk this morning.
You can't fix the world in a day! I have to start planning ahead for the weekend BEFORE it gets here so I can control the eating/drinking better.
And of course if I keep up the exercise like I have been doing since Wednesday, there is no way that I won't lose weight naturally. It will happen.
I will be seeing 65 again on the scale, but there is seriously no hurry.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
1:46 PM
Hugo Wins!
This is the most hilarious picture EVER. I've been laughing my arse off. I love the look on Hugo's [the ginger cat] face. In one of the comments the owner said, "Usually Hugo (the ginger cat) is the loser in battles. He was so proud that he won this one! They even posed for the picture!"
Hahaha.
I ate too much last night because we went to a buffet style restaurant. I'm not that worried about this. I walked yesterday and plan to walk again today.
My butt, abs, back, and shoulders are all sore from my palates class.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:15 AM
Yesterday I had an epiphany
It was more than a light bulb moment. It was awesome. I have to brag about myself because there is no one else to do it for me.
As you can imagine when I saw 71 kilos on my scale two days in a row I wasn't feeling all that great. On came a montage of debilitating head talk. I don't know if anyone else is aware of their head talk, but I am really awful to myself.
I call myself a fat cow, fatty, lazy, disgusting, etc. The list goes on and on. I catch myself doing it and sometimes can actually stop it, but once the words are said [in my head of course] their damage is done.
I had a physio appointment on Wed. afternoon and an appointment with R. afterwards. I usually schedule them back to back so that I'm not running around every single day of the week.
I had seen that they have one of those really expensive special scales that tells you your body fat percentage etc. I decided to get on this thing and find out all the dirt on myself.
I couldn't believe the results.
I of course was expecting it to tell me how much weight I still need to lose to be healthy; my hope was that this would give me the motivation I needed to get myself moving.
It did do that, but not the same way I thought it would.
So here is what it said:
27.3% body fat -- healthy range
51.6% h20 -- healthy range
a score of 4 for visceral fat [around organs] -- healthy range
49.7% muscle mass -- Standard Muscular body type
2.6 kg of bone mass
1567 calories/ 6555 kilojoules -- amount I should eat to maintain my weight
27 -- Metabolic age
Cool eh? It said I'm 3 years younger in my metabolic age. It was when she was reading all the numbers off to me that I realised,
"Hey I'm not FAT." My body type of standard muscular appeared inbetween Heavy Build and Thin, above that was Obese. I was nowhere near the obese one. I was shocked.
Because I was so shocked [she wasn't] we talked about how much weight I want to lose. She told me there was no way I needed to lose weight. Gah!
It finally hit me that my continuing desire to lose more weight is simply cosmetic. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting to wear sexier clothes and feel better about my size, but it is a completely different story to needing to lose weight because I am unhealthy.
She said to me that maybe I should focus on having my muscle mass percentage go up and my body fat percentage go down, rather than just on my weight.
I indeed will. I've decided that as long as I am seeing the physiotherapist I will hop on this amazing device at least once a month.
So, I left there feeling so much better about my 71 kilos. I still want to be at least 65 because I've been there before and I know it felt wonderful. But I've changed the way I see things.
I walked home from my psych appointment and it took me 40 minutes. We then worked out the distance and discovered that I walk a 17 minute mile! Another amazing feat.
That day I had walked a total of 70 minutes throughout my day and felt wonderful.
The following morning I decided to leave early for my first palates class and walked the 40 minutes to their office. It was during that walk that I realised I could do things like that several times a week and it would definitely improve my chances of losing weight.
Epiphany had.
I was enjoying the exercise. Finally! I found my love for endorphins again.
So there you go. I ended Wednesday with a total of 80 minutes of walking.
Today is Australia Day! And if you are in Australia I hope you are having a great holiday. I plan to rest today because palates may look easy, but every single muscle in my body hurts today.
If I walk it may be to go to the pool to cool off since it is so freaking hot. Stay cool wherever you are!
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:54 AM
Unbelievable results
You may have noticed that I changed the 70 to the left to 71. I don't know how it happened, but I actually gained weight this week.
What is happening to me?
I don't know what is going on, but the scale did say 71 two days in a row. Yes, I am at the end of my TOM and that could contribute to some of it, but a whole kilo? I looked at my calorie count from this week and I went over 1500 only 2 days, Friday and Saturday. Although I did much better this weekend than last, I still struggled with eating more on my off days than during the week.
Another reason I had a horrific week was the heat. We had 4 days of over 40C in a row. Now that is just wrong. I can't handle heat very well. I did go for a walk on Saturday and when I came home thought I was going to die from heat exhaustion.
Not good at all.
I almost declared this week a no-weigh week due to my TOM but have decided to take it as it comes.
So I weigh 71 today. Excuse my language but that number really scares the shit out of me.
I fear I am experiencing a major relapse.
My psychologist spoke to me in great detail about relapses and how normal they are when anyone makes major changes in their life, especially when it comes to weight-loss.
It doesn't make it any easier to accept.
In other news, I almost successfully followed 1 day on the WW no count plan. Almost.
Nowhere to go from here but down? Damn lets hope so.
And finally a queston: Is it just me or do the swirls on this dress make my bum look like the side of a bus?
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
4:55 AM
Reflections
It is common knowledge that the collective events of our past help shape who we are. Some of these events are forgotten, others burned into our memories forever.
I'll never forget the day I told my parents I knew about the abuse.
I had recollection for a long time before I told them. I dreaded the conversation because I feared the reaction. I didn't really want to have these memories, I didn't want this to have happened to me. It was much easier for me to not acknowledge the past.
I had sought counseling a few times. When the memories first surfaced went to a catholic counseling service. They didn't charge very much and had to keep it confidential even though I still lived at home with my parents.
After I started university I stopped going to see the nun, but before long found college life overwhelming and began to see the free counselor on campus. I had a habit of seeing her for a few weeks and then stopping only to start again when another catastrophe happened. The last time I saw her I had been binge drinking the night before at a party and woke up next to one of my friends with my underpants around my ankles.
Needless to say I was in a bit of a state. People were gossiping. He told me that yes we did sleep together, but I didn't remember any of it.
This wasn't the first alcohol black out I had experienced. This counselor must have weighed what to say to help me very carefully in her mind. In the end she told me that she didn't feel she could help me and that she recommended I seek professional help.
I left her office feeling worse than when I had arrived. Was she calling me crazy? Why did she say she couldn't help me?
Because I couldn't bear the burden of my abuse any longer and thought that if I opened up to my parents they may assist me in getting this "professional help" that the counselor was so certain that I needed, I decided to do it.
I spoke to my mother first and told her what the counselor had said. I told her I had been having a lot of emotional problems due to memories I had of something bad that happened to me when I was a child. She immediately took a defensive stance. Instead of being caring and supportive she began insisting that nothing bad could have happened to me because she wouldn't have allowed it.
I let the conversation drop there because I knew it wasn't going to be easy to tell her the truth.
Then in the car riding with my mom and dad she decided to bring the conversation up again. I said pretty much the same thing again for my dad's benefit and his response was a bit different. This time I was asked who did this "bad thing" to me and I said it was my dad's father. For a moment there was silence and then he said to me, "We thought that may have happened."
This was just as we were entering our drive way and my mother began raising her voice to my father telling him that they did not know anything had happened, that he was lying. She told him to go inside and I was left there alone with her.
There was nothing she could do now though. The truth had been spoken.
She kept telling me how they never left me alone with him, although there are a few scattered memories from my childhood when I distinctly remember being left to stay overnight in the care of my grandparents and then not being picked up until I screamed and cried. Screaming and crying was the only way to get them to call my mom and dad. You see I believe my grandmother was in complete denial about what my grandfather did to us when she was not looking.
After that day I began harboring an anger at my mother for the way she reacted. She told me she would get me help if I wanted it, but then never spoke about it again. She acted like I was accusing her of wrongdoing. I never blamed my parents for what happened until that day. She made me aware of their role as my protectors and how they failed me. I later discovered that my father himself had also experienced what I had at the hands of his dad. The fact that this man was able to know me at all completely baffles me.
Luckily today I've come a long way in the forgiveness area. I don't hold my parents responsible for their mistakes. I know they did the best they could, even though it wasn't always the best thing to do.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:28 AM
A watched scale never budges
Three days back on a healthy eating plan and the scale is not going anywhere. Disgusting. I can't believe it! I can't believe I weighed myself this morning either. I know better than to do this to myself.
One of the main things R. (the psychologist) said to me that I can't stop thinking about is that experts are now saying the healthiest amount of weight to loose is 1-2 pounds a month. That is under a kilo a month! Freaking A! Unbelievable isn't it? I used to beat myself up if I didn't loose that in a week.
She also told me she thinks that I should aim to be 65 instead of 58 kilos. I'm still thinking that over.
But somewhere The_Scale_Gods are laughing at me. You should never weigh yourself this much kids. It is not good for you.
I have started using the free
SparkPeople food and exercise tracker. It is similar to some other ones out there you have to pay for. So far the only thing I've tracked is food and I am keeping under the recommended calories (it is American) but most of the food I eat is available. I haven't tried their recommended meal plans yet, but am seriously thinking of it.
I walked to work from the bus yesterday (10 mins) and back (10 mins) and wanted to get off the bus early to walk some more but it was so freaking hot (38C) that I didn't. I have got to get this arse moving more. At least I am getting the extra walk in the morning that I stopped doing just before Christmas.
At the moment I am seriously enjoying
Diet Girl's 5 part anniversary series. She is just so amazing.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
4:48 AM
The late weigh-in
I am so unhappy with my result for this week. I started out really gung-ho and undid all the work on the weekend. I still weigh 70 kilos. I want so much to get past this roadblock.
I know that I am sabotaging myself.
The main focus of my appointment tonight with R. was talking about this issue.
Why is it so hard to loose more?
This is what I am thinking about. A lot of ideas were swirled around. I need to stick to my plan and especially not let the weekend eating get away from me.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:42 PM
ugh
I worked hard all week. I had a great week with very good eating! I honestly did. But I am starting to rethink the Monday weigh-in now. I know I did it that way to try to make me be consistent and eat well on the weekend, but I had such a bad day yesterday that I am worried all my hard work will be undone.
I am nowhere near my scale so I can't find out the horrible truth.
I am blown away with all the wonderful comments on my new design! A few people have questioned the lizard, and I have no real reason except that I thought it looked good. I was going to put a turtle, you know slow and steady wins the race, but the turtle didn't look as good as the lizard. So there you go. What reasoning skills I have!
I am seriously thinking of rejoining Weight Watchers. But at the moment we are soooo poor. We may not even be able to buy our groceries unless we put them on credit.
I want to make some necklaces to take around to local shops to see if they'd be interested in selling them because I've had so many lovely comments about the ones I've made for myself, but I don't even have the money for the materials. *sigh* And time, that is something I never have enough of.
I went with a friend from work to the Shutzenfest yesterday (spending money we don't have) and I saw the sister of
this girl and I said hello and was on my way. I never ran into her again, which I think was a good thing because I really didn't want any drama in my day. I had a good time and had a few German beers, but it started raining so we left around 4:30. I was so tired from all the beer that I ate a hamburger and chips from our local fish shop and fell right to sleep at 8pm.
This would be why I am now awake at 6am on a Sunday.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:06 AM
Tweaking
So I've done some tweaking to the code. I now think it looks better in Firefox than IE because IE is not recognising the best font. It is too late right now for me to concern myself with this. At least most of us can actually read it.
Also I have to create a new weight chart that is compatible with this design.
Thanks a lot for the input. Firefox users, is it better now?
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:01 PM
Big day ahead
I stayed up late creating this new look and today I am going to pay for it.
I want your honest feedback on the redesign. If you don't want to leave a comment please email me at suckingitin at g mail dot com.
The idea of the banner is that you are being given free movie tickets to my journey with weight-loss, and that popcorn is airpopped and light [because I say it is]!
I am so tired my eyes sting!
I have my appointment with an occupational physician today and I'm scared. I am shell-shocked from the other specialists I've seen. After that I have my physio appointment and my psychologist appointment to finish the day off.
Told you it was a big day.
I've been eating almost completely to plan for the past 3 days. I started off with the first 3 days being lower in kilojoules than needed so I could kickstart my body. I snuck onto the scale earlier and the commitment has paid off. I've almost lost a kilo already! Let's hope my motivation doesn't wane today when I am tired.
Now I have to get off of here fast because I still have salad to chop for lunch and I only have around 45 minutes to get myself out the door.
Happy Thursday to you!
Oh and please tell me if the page looks good on your monitor (whatever size it is).
Smoochyboochies.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:01 AM
Ok this time I am SERIOUS
What do you do when your motivation meter is sitting at 0? You read blogs! I am so inspired by all of you. Normally January is a huge weight-loss month for me and I've already let too much of it go by without doing a cotton-picking thing.
I can't expect the number on the scale to move if I am not willing to put in the effort can I?
Last night I spoke to a long-time friend who I seemed to have forgotten has this blog address and he told me how he has noticed a huge shift in my attitude since I've been on Pr0zac. Of course he said it has been a good thing.
I think he is right. I am less obsessed about my weight and my depression seems to be dissipating. But I also have noticed I can't seem to get fired up like I could in the past either. I don't know if I can attribute that to the drugs or not though.
So what can I do?
The beautiful
LMS has offered to send me the spreadsheet of "no count" foods the new WW program is offering to help me get started. I am also going to go through some of my slimming, shape, and other mags to get food ideas before I go do my shopping for the week. This week needs to be different. I need to eat a bigger variety of foods. There is nothing wrong with high-fiber cereal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and meat and vege for dinner, but eating like that every single day gets very boring and of course I start to veer off the beaten path quickly.
Also exercise has been non-existent. If I don't make a plan I just won't do it. I think this week I will start out slowly again and have a goal to walk 20-30 minutes 3 times this week. It is a start.
I'm going to make up a weight chart for myself and put it up in our office. I am moving my weigh-in day to Monday mornings to encourage me to be better on weekends.
And now I plan to redesign this page. I need a new look to inspire myself.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:57 AM
My new favorite
I have a new obsession:
Stuff on my cat.
An old friend of mine told me about it and thought I'd like it. He was right.
I've already submitted a few photos of Buckley.
I still weigh 70 kilos. My heart has not been 100% in it this week, but I will get there. I'm planning to either go back to Weight Watchers or just do a partner diet thing with mr. ralph.
I had so much fun with Airlie I couldn't stop talking about her for most of the day.
Have any of you tried
Coke Zero yet? I don't like it. It tastes a lot like PepsiMax, which I hate. I am a diet coke girl through and through.
Hope your new year started out better than mine. I will get on track this week.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
4:29 PM
I met the wonderful Airlie!
Today I had the most fantastic day. I met
Airlie and we had a great time. I don't think we stopped talking for long except to take a breath, and to drink our coffee!
She also got to meet mr. ralph before she had to be on her way.
I even have a picture to prove it! We ended up asking one of the girls behind the counter at Illy to take the photo because we sucked at taking it ourselves.
I love her to pieces. She is the most amazing woman. I'm really sad that she doesn't live closer, but we will be going to visit her sometime this year since she graciously invited us!
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:33 PM
As it turns out
When you eat a lot of garbage, you eventually will put on weight.
The denial is over. I weigh 70 kilos. Talk about a reality check.
That is just 2 kilos under what I weighed at this time last year.
I think I should be pleased about one thing, I didn't gain in 2005! I can wear the same clothes I wore last summer.
This is a good thing, but 2006 has got to be different.
I'm glad everyone agrees with me on that point.
Also, welcome back
Tree.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
5:53 AM
The anti-resolution entry
Well. It has finally begun. How did I spend the first day of 2006? In bed, mostly. And I ate horribly. I was recovering from all the booze I had the night before. I had a perfect excuse.
I was lazy and ate McDonalds for dinner. I felt completely horrible afterwards. It was actually the ONLY meal I've eaten from there in over a year. And it was my first meal of the new year? Splendid!
What does that mean? Well I have some thinking to do. I want to change things around before it gets any worse.
I have go step on the scale. We have to get a starting weight for 2006. I have to know where I stand when I go into battle.
It is not just a battle over the will. It is an emotional battle. It is a war waged on fat. I will not let evil prevail. |smile|
There will not be any resolutions this year because I will simply do what I know is right for my body. We all know what those things are: Exercise. Eating lots of fruit, vegetables, whole grains, and lean meat. Sleeping enough. Sexing up the hubs. And continuing the track to mental health that I am on.
Exercise has been pretty non-existent in the last 6 months. This has got to change. I need to do it. I need to find ways to exercise that will improve my health.
I've got a few ideas about how to change the way I eat so that I don't get bored. I've been eating a lot of the same foods over and over again. This is not good for me. I am the person that changes her hair colour once a month because she is bored.
Boredom is a real problem.
Laziness is also a huge problem. Most of the time I don't eat badly because I desire it, but because I am too lazy to cook the right thing. Yesterday was case in point. I really wanted a healthy meal but couldn't be arsed to make one.
I also need to help the hubs. He has put on a few kilos in the past 6 months. I haven't been helping him. I stopped exercising and so did he. I realise now that I was a lot of his motivation and I just have not been there for him. This will change now.
I've got a goal. Once I know what I weigh then I can share it with you. But I will only focus on 2 kilos at a time. No matter how long it takes me. I will stop once I've reached 58. I think 58 is low enough that I have a little breathing room, but not super skinny either.
So I've got 2 kilos to lose. If I am right I weigh around 68/69. I will update once I know.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:21 AM
Hi. This blog used to be all about weight loss, but now it is more.
I think it's great you have rededicated yourself to your health. You are doing so great!!
I cant believe I missed your spark people link originally.! Doh!
Isnt it fantastic? I am having a ball adding all my favs in and seeing just what the foods break down into.
WOW@ 1.5 hours walking! Fantastic!
Awesome job on the walking...sounds like you are right on track...Great stuff!
you are kicking ass and taking names. seriously. your energy and enthusiasm RADIATE from my computer screen. i bet you feel absolutely ALIVE. i can feel it and am jealous of it. i want that feeling. you are an inspiration!
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