More on The Red Shoes
I still haven't finished that section. I blame it on seeing myself in the story.
The explanation of what happens to her and her desire for the shoes is similar to something I am experiencing now.
The writer describes it as somewhat of a famine in her life. She was psychologically starving. Having something you need be missing from your life for a significantly long time is very detrimental to the decisions you make.
I felt so fat yesterday. I had one of the worst self-image days I have had in a very long time. Everything contributed to it.
I wanted to wear a jacket that is now too tight, it doesn't matter that when I bought it last winter it barely fit and I knew a half a kilo more would make it too small...
I also felt every inch of my jeans pushing into my skin.
I hate my legs and arms. Sometimes I want to cut strips off of my body. I don't like telling people these things. I think they will look at me and think what a crazy person I am.
Does anyone else ever feel so disgusted about themselves?
Oh and I just want to add that the person who said I should make my own goals was absoluetly right. But the way other people feel about me helps me because I have such a distorted body image that I can see 100 kilos most of the time.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
4:24 AM
The Red Shoes
I am reading this book that is absolutely incredible that R. loaned to me during our very first session. It is called,
Women Who Run With the Wolves - Contacting the Power of the Wild Woman. The author's doctorate is in ethono-clinical psychology, which is a study of both clinical psychology and ethnology, the latter emphasizing the study of the psychology of groups, tribes in paticular. The book is a collection of stories that elucidate the Wild Woman relationship.
Although that all sounds like quite a mouthful, the book is very insightful. I am enjoying it so much. The title of today's entry is from the last story I just read. Once I finish the chapter I hopefully will write about it for you.
On Friday I went out for drinks (surprise) and somehow ended up on the topic of me and my weight-loss efforts. A few people were completely take aback that I have weighed 100 kilos. We got around to talking about how I don't know what I weigh right now, but that I want to lose at least 10 more.
I was told that I look fine the way I am.
I believed the sincerity behind the statement, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since.
The point is I don't think I am happy the way I am, although I believe I am closer now than ever before to that point.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
4:13 AM
Hello mr. potato head
What is it that is so irresistible about potato chips?
I have done well this week except for freaking potato chips! Mr. ralph had some left over from his footy night on the weekend and I had to eat them. This is why I do not buy them. Having them in my house is just too hard for me.
They're so crunchy, salty, mmm lovely.
And you know what I despise? Chicken Flavour. There is a reason we do not have it in America. If we did there would be no skinny people at all in the US.
I am looking forward to tonight. I am starting a Thai cooking class. Yes! If there is a way to make it healthy I will find it!
Tuesday night I had a mind numbing session with R. She really knows how to shake me up and make me think about things I'd rather not think about. First it feels like I am having a cup of tea with a girlfriend and we are gossiping, next thing I know she turns it all around on me and it sucks! It really does.
She gave me this writing exercise to do that I attempted yesterday before I quit in frustration beause I found it seriously stupid.
Ah well.
Let us be free of potato chips and negative thoughts today.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
4:49 AM
I'm spinning..
Wow, how easy is it for me to get side-tracked? This week wasn't a very successful one where my weight is concerned. Who needs a scale to know when things aren't going right?
I remember a time when I was obsessed with knowing how much I weigh, and now I am obsessed with
not knowing.
I did want to start tracking my calories last week, but I neglected to do it. I also fell back into having lots of excuses not to go walking.
In my defense I spent most of the day yesterday lying down with a hot pack on my lower abdomen, because the Gods were laughing at me. Being a woman is not always a good thing. The pain is excruciating this time. I know there is something wrong with me, but my doctor can't find anything. I am really wondering if I should not just go see a gynecologist. The main thing holding me back is money.
I had a great night on Friday night going out with a co-worker who is fast becoming my new best mate. She wanted to go out for dinner so we met up after work and had some drinks, and then went to a Lebanese restaurant with another one of her friends. She was a cool girl too. I was very glad to be in their company. Then we went to the
Apothecary for a bottle of wine. Then after that we went to an Egyptian coffee bar. I also tried the
"shisha". It was an interesting experience for me, especially since I don't smoke.
Then on Saturday night we were invited to a private function where there was lots of free alcohol. When I found myself sitting down across the street next to a building near some apartments in the city I realised that me and free drinks just do not mix. Talk about a lethal combination. Thankfully a lovely security guard (employed by the apartments I'm sure) helped me up and back across the street so I could find my friends. Not long after that I went home.
Mr. Ralph tells me I consumed some pizza and chips he had leftover from having the guys around to watch the football and then babbled on incoherently for a while. I always try to tell him things the next day and he always says, "yes you told me that last night.."
I believe that now the headache has finally worn off, but it is not very good to have cramps and a major hangover on the same day.
So there you go. Back to the drawing board for me this week. I have got to get myself under control.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
4:22 AM
Hi. This blog used to be all about weight loss, but now it is more.
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