Sick of Sucking it in

I should be feeling really good about myself right now. The weight is on the way down again. I only know this because of my clothes, because of course the scale is still a scary object to me right now.

Tragic really. I do not want to see a number.

At the moment feel like I love more than I will ever be loved. I know there is so much love that I have to give, but also that I have so much to lose at the same time because I give of myself so freely. Reminds me of one of my favorite Sarah McLachlan songs. You know which one?

From Fear:
But I fear, I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall
But I fear, I have nothing to give
But I fear, I have so much to lose

It is so hard to give of yourself completely when you are afraid.

I've been listening to my Sarah cd's a lot lately. I go through periods of time when I don't listen at all, and then I obsess and listen to every song over and over and over again.

I don't know how, but it is like she is speaking through me, or something like that. I absolutely love her lyrics, her voice, her style. She is amazing.

I wish I was a fraction as talented as she is.

So. I wish I had all the answers. God, do I ever. I don't. All I can do is keep going. Take things day by day; where will we end up? Where will I be next year? In ten years? I don't know.

I hope that after I am gone there will be someone around to say, "She was a girl who really loved. She wore her heart on her sleeve. She gave unselfishly. She was beautiful."

7 Comments:

M said...: Hey Ms Ralph. Sorry I haven't popped in lately but been flat out trying not to freeze. Oh and cleaning the house - again!! Does it ever stop :D

But have updated my links so now will be able to remember to call in and say hi on a more regular basis.

I'm a little late but if you would still like to play the word game - your letter is 'N'. I am updating my sidebar as each person does there letter - I find it a great way to learn a little bit more about each person.

I hope you have a lovely cold sunny day today :D; 12:51 PM
Wenchy said...: This was a beautiful entry.

I feel that exact thought... no idea where I will be next year or in ten years time... but I hope it is fabulous!; 7:07 AM
Joc said...: Hey there, I still read you regularly, just so flat out right now that I havent had time to comment in many places at all. I am sorry to read that things are still really tough for you, but just the fact that you think so deeply on all of these things makes be believe that you will find your way to the other side.

Just hang in there, the only real failure is to give up completely.

:-); 10:04 AM
Nan said...: Honey, we all wish we had all the answers. Keep your chin up :o)

Congrats on the weight going in the right direction again!; 2:31 AM
Silverella said...: My friend, my sweet and loving friend,

Just know one thing. There is a solution you know. One and only actually.

The moment you turn all this love you have inside you to yourself, things magically fall into place. It is not selfish, it is not egoistical, it is just how things should be. Now I better go, before I begin to sound like ...what was her name...Anne Hay I think?

All this inside you is yours to harvest first. Then you begin to give it away.

I'm here; 7:22 PM
Meg said...: I have come across you blog a few times but never commented. This post really helped me. I am going through a hard time and this made me feel not so alone in my feelings; 2:49 PM

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"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."

7:36 PM

I don't know why, but this morning I woke up early and without anything better to do I looked at photos.

This is me and Sarah. We ended our friendship on some pretty bad terms, but right now when looking at this picture I remember all the good times we had together. She was one of the first women in Australia I truly felt comfortable with.

1 Comments:

Fat Girl said...: I have a friend like that. She was my best friend and things ended on bad terms. It makes me sad and I've tried to find her, but no luck. Good luck with your Sarah.; 5:32 AM

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"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."

7:15 AM

The last day of our Anna Stewart Memorial Project we were asked to create something to present to everyone that talked about our personal experience over the last 2 weeks. One of the suggestions was to write a poem. I decided to join that group, but as I was sitting there around the table with the others in my group I felt this enormous pressure to write and nothing was coming out. Everyone at the table of course remembered from earlier that I mentioned one of the things that I do in my spare time is um, write.

Yesterday on the bus I had to write. I had all these thoughts and feelings swirling around... I felt compelled and I didn't have a notebook but instead wrote on the back of something I had been carrying around in my bag.

Today? Nothing.

I had a very interesting session with R. this week. I felt like she did all of the talking. There was so much I wanted to say, but more importantly I did not want to hear her.

Although this week I have noticed that I have lost weight (don't know how much), she pointed out that emotionally it seems I am trying to sabotage myself.

Now why would I want to do that?

Because I am broken.

... to be continued.

2 Comments:

honestyrain said...: i sabotage myself too. all the time. for a lot of reasons. i know what they are and have for a long time. but it's not easy to stop a bad habit.; 1:28 AM

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"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."

7:32 AM

Right now I am thinking about the fact that my readership has dwindled to a rare few. Why? Maybe because I stopped being serious about losing weight? Maybe because I have offended some or most? I don't know the answer. I just know you aren't reading me.

Also, I am happy that I don't have anything bad to eat in my house. I could eat an entire pizza, minimum chips, and an entire bag of doritos right now. Today was a very bad day.

Toast? Tangerines? Banana anyone?

Oh, I forgot to mention it is the first day of my period.

Being a woman totally sucks sometimes.

We experience emotions that are all over the place on a normal day, then we fucking have to bleed where blood should not be, and experience CRAMPS. I mean seriously, are you kidding?

11 Comments:

honestyrain said...: i do not come here because you are trying to lose weight. i would continue visiting even if you accepted yourself and decided to stop worrying about weight. i adore YOU and visiting has nothing to do with weight loss for me.; 10:10 PM
hayley said...: i use to love reading ur blog, now i visit once and a while when im really really bored. i think the reason ur readership has lowered is because its boring reading your stuff now (no offensive)there are so many better diet blogs now, which are entertaining about diet journeys with funny stories not about me, me, me and my cat. maybe u should change your style or write something people actually want to read.; 11:02 PM
Mamato2boys said...: I have blogs that I read for inspiration for weightloss and then blogs that I read because I feel a connection or common thread with the person writing. Try not to worry that the fair weather fans aren't on your band wagon. Its not worth the energy.

Take care
Ang; 1:41 AM
ms ralph said...: I don't normally respond to comments publically, but Hayley you are anonymous! And, I thought it would be good to let everyone know I don't write this to be entertaining, or funny. I write this because it is theraputic for me and it will never stop being about me, me, me, and my cat(s)? I found that so funny! Buckley needs to lose weight too!; 5:19 AM
k8 said...: hey! i'm a new reader. so there.; 12:27 AM
citycat said...: I have been a lurker for awhile, I stumbled on your blog through a link and read all your archives. I think your blog is great! I wish people would remember that people in anonymous houses shouldn't throw stones- it just makes them look ridiculous :).; 12:55 AM
Belladora said...: I still read, I just haven't been around this week:); 1:00 AM
dg said...: we're all still here! obviously when you post less often, the number of visitors will go down because people won't check for an update quite as often :)

don't worry about you're anon commenter. anyone who can't be arsed writing "your" instead of ur is hardly in a place to judge what's great writing or not. hehe.

HUGGLES!; 11:23 PM
dg said...: (excuse my 'you're' typo...i was being ironic, you know :P); 11:23 PM
Lynda said...: I still read.. I realise the weight loss journey is not straight down so don't let your ups or downs affect whether or not I read your page.; 9:19 PM
Jaykay said...: I love reading your blog, although I rarely comment.

It's great to read other people's struggles about life and know that you're not the only one in the world with these issues!!; 7:27 PM

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"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."

7:35 PM

The red shoes story hits far too close to home for me. I was reading more of it last night and I of course had to stop.

So sneaking things that you need when your life is not fulfilling is a bad thing? Wow.

Anyway, I am sick. I haven't been working because last week and this week is the Anna Stewart Memorial Project. If you don't know what that is, it is a mentoring project for women in unions in memorial of Anna Stewart, who was an amazing union organiser.

It has been very rewarding and I still have a week left of it. I've already met some pretty amazing women too. I am very grateful for the opportunity to participate in this.

Did I mention I ate cake for breakfast?

The excuse is Friday was Mr. ralph's 30th and his mum's neighbour made this amazing cake and sent us 3 pieces last night. I ate half of one last night and Mr. ralph left one piece and it was so good I couldn't resist.

I have been very lazy this weekend, but I am sick damnit! I have a plan to put together a workout program for myself today that I will begin.... today. I need to do more than just walk. I need to make myself stick to something so I can feel more accomplished and less like cutting strips of fat off my body.

Now that would be a good thing.

1 Comments:

honestyrain said...: hey hon! long time no visit. checking in to see how you are. miss you :); 5:47 AM

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"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."

8:28 AM

hun-ger
n.

1. A strong desire or need for food.
The discomfort, weakness, or pain caused by a prolonged lack of food.
2. A strong desire or craving: a hunger for affection.

I have been hungry for most of my life. I don't want to die hungry. For the most part my hunger is not physical. Although sometimes it is. But I know that it is easier for me to fill up with food in order to satisfy this emptiness.

I know that I need to address the different forms my hunger takes, but instead I continually fall into the trap of believing I will be happy if I can just be thin. All of my problems will magically disappear. The hunger will subside if I can be a size 10. If I can look hot in a bathing suit I will no longer feel lonely.

If only those jeans will fit me again. If only I didn't have such dumpy legs. If only I had a perfect body that everyone envied.

I had a very good run of feeling better about myself. The exercise had a lot to do with it, but I still haven't lost much weight. I am still around the same size I was a month ago.

I have avoided the scale. It is becomming a problem. How can I progress if I don't really know where I am or where I need to go?

These are good questions. I don't have the answers.

Why am I obsessing again? Why has the self-loathing returned? Why do I feel so fucking hungry?

I want answers.

Coming face to face with the lack of fulfillment in my life in work, relationships, etc. is not easy. Eating chips and drinking lots of red wine, well that is much easier.

There is no problem the compulsive eater will not try to solve with food.

4 Comments:

Belladora said...: Food is always the first thing I turn to. ALWAYS. And it's generally greasy, fast food that makes me feel better. And if I'm really feeling down in the dumps, I don't even regret it after I eat it. But I do when I weigh myself the next day. I don't know what it is that makes us accept ourselves. I've found over time that while I still sometimes find myself unhappy with life, the time I AM happy is becoming more and more frequent. My closest weight loss friend is actually the person who pushed me to start seeing myself as beautiful when I look in the mirror. At first it was hard. Maybe 1 day out of 10 I saw beauty. But then it started becoming more frequent. And now the only time I don't see beauty is when I don't do my hair and put makeup on. So I still have work to do. But the thing is you have to accept yourself for who you are and what you look like. It ultimately doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. The only person who can make you happy or unhappy is YOU. And if you look in the mirror and see beautiful then you ARE beautiful. I struggle with a shitty job everyday, and there are many things in my life I have regret over that bring me down sometimes. I walk everyday because it clears my head. It's like meditation. I don't do it anymore for exercise...I do it for me...for my peace of mind... You'll find balance within yourself. You just have to believe in YOU.; 11:58 PM
k8 said...: If I can look hot in a bathing suit I will no longer feel lonely.

omg that is so me. i ask myself all the time what my problem is. will i finally be 100% happy if there are no longer big batflaps under my arms?

k8; 4:18 AM
drstaceyny said...: Great post! Good luck with your journey. . .; 11:15 AM
Denise said...: My thoughts exactly and expressed more coherently than I could hope to do myself. Thanks for sharing.; 12:53 PM

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"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."

6:16 AM