Sick of Sucking it in

I am so thankful that this year is over.

I need to use the new year as a way to get out this murky water. I feel like I have been drowning, swallowing heaping barrels of mud.... and it all started in March 2006.

Sometimes one decision can change your life, this time it was for the worst. I hope to get past this, and once again I must turn to writing for guidance, comfort, insight, and clarity (hopefully).

See you next year!

3 Comments:

dg said...: yeah baby! we'll be here to listen. take care and a happy new year to you.; 1:17 AM
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Life is like theater, everyone is their own lives in the only director. Only Institute of choice, people will know how to give up the Chewu life, Xiaokan life, the life Habitat has Seasky.; 2:48 PM

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"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."

4:48 PM

De-nile is no longer just a river in Egypt, but the planet I have obviously been inhabiting for a long time now.

I am seriously in danger of sacrificing all the hard work I went through in losing weight in the first place.

I have size 12 clothes that are too tight! That is so depressing! Stretch denim, too tight!?!?

I feel so awful.

Just before I came here to post I read the comments from my last entry, and the one that said my entry was motivational was so nice, but seriously people... I am far from being motivated let alone able to help anyone else.

I don't know what to do. Well I know what I need to do, but I feel so bad about myself that I am finding it difficult to focus.

3 Comments:

dg said...: just start out with something small, something positive that you can build on... just do one wee thing today, like a walk or a healthy breakfast and give yourself a pat on the back for just making a positive mood. you can do it tiger :) xxox; 11:32 PM
digsite said...: It was motivational for me because you find yourself in a place where I'd like to be. Somewhere in the middle and, maybe losing some faith, but still somewhere in the middle. NOT where you started and still able to salvage all the hard work you put in.

I got myself down to 171 lbs one time and then started to make the wrong choices and here I am at 184-185 lbs.

Don't get yourself in a mindset where you give yourself negative self talk such as "well i already put on 5 lbs so why should I bother trying anymore".

Well having put on 3 lbs got me to put on another 10 lbs on top of that and now I wish I had just picked up the pieces and kept going after gaining the 3 instead of giving up like I did.

You WILL make mistakes and end up putting on weight again. It's to be expected. this isn't easy what we're going. It's what you do after that happens that dictates whether you succeed or fail.

Stop beating yourself up, don't look back, and move forwards. :); 11:54 PM
Alphamare said...: try setting a deadline for your self... this works for some and not for other... i feel that i have fallen off the diet waggon too.

all it takes is a small frist step like Dg said.... but then you just have to take another sammm one and another and then before you know it ur back on ur way. do somehting easy and then the next time you are tempted you can say... well i resisted last time do i want to undo that?; 3:22 AM

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"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."

7:42 PM

There is no better time than now to stop stuffing my face with hot chips. I am sick of looking at all the clothes that don't fit me. It is seriously depressing. I was wondering what I should do with all the size 10's that are lingering around taunting me. I have decided that I will keep them for now because if start doing something about this and stop crying about it, they may fit me again by March or April.

Did you know that I weigh what I did two years ago? Maybe I have already mentioned that?

I ate so much on Christmas day that I felt like I had put on a dress size, I fully expected my new size 12 shorts I got from Suzanne to not fit me anymore, but they did thankfully still fit.

I am very sad with the state of my body. The past 3 days I have been doing absolutely nothing expect eating, drinking, and being LAZY.

The last 6 months I have been so focused on other bullshit that I have let everything get out of control.

I console myself with the knowledge that I am around 30 kilos away from my heaviest weight (a considerably safe distance) and that most dieters put all their weight back on and more within 2 years of losing it.

I know that 2006 was a very, VERY, bad year for me personally. Over the last few months I have especially leant on food and alcohol to soothe me. I need to stop beating myself up about it. I've done it. I am here now and I can't go backwards.

I can't undo all the bad that I have done to myself. I can't make better choices personally and emotionally. But what I can do is change today, and tomorrow. Sulking and navel gazing never did anyone any good. It is definitely not going to change the shape of my thighs or my bum.

I haven't decided yet if I will go back on Weight Watchers or if I will just follow a sensible plan of my own from what I know is good for me. But January is going to be different. I am focused. I know that I can do this, it will be challenging because I still have the emotional garbage to deal with, but I know that I will feel better if I eat healthy.

3 Comments:

Anonymous said...: ARGH! I hate it when that happens.

Merry Christmas!

Vanessa; 6:40 PM
Outback Girl said...: You can do it! Keep your head held high and you will be back in those 10's before you know it!; 10:02 AM
digsite said...: good for you! Your post is motivational!; 4:46 PM

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"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."

5:58 PM

I bought some new walking shoes this weekend. Basically the others have been in desperate need of being thrown in the bin for more than a few weeks now. So really, I have no excuse not to be walking. And I mean walking! Every. Single. Day.

I feel the heat of summer creeping in and I don't like it, no, not one bit. I do not have the desire to see myself in my bathers either... God no! Please, no!!

What is the deal with Cricket? Can someone tell me? I just cannot bring myself to understand.

Do you ever have songs that you just can't get out of your head no matter how much you try? Well, that is how I feel about this song by Sarah Mclachlan. This song is everything I feel and everything I am at the moment.

I will Not Forget You
I remember the nights when I watched as you lay sleeping
your body gripped by some far away dream,
And I was so scared and so in love then,
And so lost in all of you that I had seen.
But no one ever talked in the darkness,
No voice ever added fuel to the fire,
No light ever shone in the doorway,
Deep in the hollow of earthly desire,
And if in some dream there was brightness,
If in some memory some sort of sign,
Then flesh be revived in the shadows,
And blessed our bodies would lay so entwined.

Chorus
And I will, oh I will not forget you.
nor will I ever let you go
I will, oh I will, not forget you.

I remember how you left in the morning at daybreak.
so silent you stole from my bed.
To go back to the one who posesses your soul
And I back to the life that I dread.
so I ran like the wind to the water
Please don't leave me again I cried,
and I threw bitter tears at the ocean
But all that came back was the tide.

I have discovered a new way to spend lots of money on gorgeous clothes! And that is by having the absolutely gorgeous Shelley from Zendezine custom make them for me!

Here is me recently in a bolero jacket and collar she made me:

Notice the fat face when I smile so big. Man I had lots to drink that night!

3 Comments:

Shannin said...: That is a cute outfit. Of course the last thing I need is to spend more money on clothes...; 9:52 AM
Greta & Gurdy said...: How's the walking been going??; 1:15 AM
Chikki said...: My weightloss is non existent...:-) Thanks for asking though!

I've been hitting the gym every other day...but until I add more water, do harder workouts, and abstain from too many carbs I know nothing's gonna happen. Oh well...

Have a wedding in 11 months...maybe that's enough motivation? Hehe.

Mmm I need a drink too! You look like you had a good time.; 4:32 PM

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"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."

4:11 PM