Manic?
I just got back from seeing
Tropic Thunder with my friend Tracy, who if you've visited my
Flickr page you will see
her. She and I get along so well, and the thing is we have known each other for a long time through our mutual friend,
Josie who just got married.
The movie was very funny. I highly recommend it. The thing is I don't like stupid humour movies. Seriously. Ask. Anybody.
Dumb and Dumber? Puke. But this movie!!!! It has so many jokes in it that I think I need to go see it again to get them all. And the best part [beware spoiler] was the spoof movies in the previews.[/spoiler]
But what I really want to know right now is.. what makes someone stop talking to you and not tell you why?
I guess it is easy to do when you only talk in email and you live thousands of miles apart.
But I just don't get it.
One day you're
friends, with someone, the next you can't get them to respond to an email. And you don't get to find out what you did that made them disappear.
But I guess when someone chooses not to talk to you, it really doesn't matter what their reason is.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:32 PM
going forward
"So, here we are, in our mud clothes, walking down a road we've never seen, and with the mark of the wild nature glowing through us more and more. It is fair to say that this conjunctio is insisting on a striking revision of the old you. If you are here in the orchard, and there are these identifiable psychic aspects with you, there is no turning back--we are going forward."It is always good to know you're moving forward, no matter how painful the path. I do see myself progressing, with momentary lapses of course. I just wish I didn't have to be in the mud clothes, but it is nice to know I'm being looked after whilst in this transition.
I stayed home on Saturday night and seems I drank enough red wine to make myself feel sick
all day Sunday. I had the worst headache, you know the kind where it feels like when you move your head may implode? I threw up what looked like water with red splotches in it, but it was sour. Yes I know you wanted the full visual!
I don't recall having a hangover for at least a year so it took me by surprise. I usually know when to stop. I don't even remember how much I drank, but it was obviously too much, I'm guessing 1 1/2 bottles?
I even had a headache on morning too! Red wine headaches are the worst kind.
Work is quiet and it is really killing me to sit here and do nothing. So I'm actually writing my blog entry at work. Because I don't have access to internet directly at work I email myself the entries to put up later when I'm at home.
I have some issues with one of my flatmates and I feel so angry I can't even begin to think about looking at him, let alone talking to him. I know that I will eventually need to resolve it.
The thing is, he wants to be Queen Bee of the house, but he is going about it the wrong way. He decided to take it upon himself to organize for us a 'chore calendar'. Which I have no problem with.
Every Wednesday we eat together and we call this our family night. It is the perfect opportunity to bring up things like that and hold open discussions. Instead of doing that he decided that leaving a note in the kitchen was the way to go.
???
First of all I spend the least amount of time in the kitchen than any of the 3 of us so almost an entire month went by before I even noticed his 'note.' And then he sent me an email just before the end of the week leading up to my gf's wedding telling me that he would allow me that weekend off for the chore schedule because of the wedding. I was thinking, what chore schedule?
How nice of him? And so, this saturday when I went into the kitchen there was a note on the refrigerator for me:
ms. ralph please do not forget to clean the downstairs this weekend as you have already missed 2 weeks.
So I take a look around and begin to see that although there arent many dishes to be washed, the last few time the boys have cooked they have not cleaned after themselves. There was food/grease all over the place. It was on the stove top, on the oven glass, on the counter, on the wall, on the cabinets. I cleaned it all, and to top it off I had just gotten my nails done the night before! I was a little peeved as I don't cook as often as they do, but when I do, I clean after myself right then and there. In fact, when I do cook, I clean everything. Which is why I dont think I need to be on the chore schedule. But as I was saying...
After I finished that grueling task I then had to empty the bag of the vaccum cleaner because it had so much dirt in it it that it was about to split open. I emptied it in our back yard because I assumed since it rains a lot these days I thought it would just get washed away.
Afterwards I thought I'd leave him a note so I did:
I've cleaned all of the kitchen, including stove, cabinents, walls, and floor.
The next day he left me another note under mine. But first he put a little check mark next to my note, what grading me?!?! and then said:
Did someone empty the dirt out of the vacuum cleaner in the back or did it just magically appear there?
MAGICALLY APPEAR??? Was he trying to be funny? I have a sense of humour, trust me, but I did not laugh. I was enraged. It took me less than 5 minutes to pick it up with the dust pan and stick it in the bin we have in the back for leaves etc.
But I now refuse to speak to him and am not going to attend family night this week either.
I can understand that he didn't like the dirt back there, but he had to know it was me and he could have spoken to me about it nicely, not leave a nasty note on the refrigerator. We are not in gradeschool!
I dont know what happened to the blogs I used to read as I had a blogroll but lost the html for it as well as the login. I've tried all my alternate email addresses and can't get into it so if you are an old friend please comment with your blog address as I want to find all of you again.
Calling all html coders?!? does anyone know the right code to fix my comments so that they don't always appear on the front page?
Quote above from Clarissa Pinkola Estes Women Who Run With The Wolves
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:12 PM
winter walk
I just think this is the best shot. I don't know why really. The colours look good. I took this on my way to Biga, my favourite cafe that is not far from my house.
I met a friend from work there and we ate salad and had a glass of wine, and then for dessert an affogato.
Affogato
Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - Cite This Source
An affogato (Italian, "drowned") is a coffee-based beverage or dessert. "Affogato style", which refers to the act of topping a drink or dessert with espresso, may also incorporate caramel sauce or chocolate sauce.
A "cafe affogato" is sometimes referred to as a "cold shower".
An "affogato di gelato" is usually vanilla bean gelato topped with espresso. Alternately, a bitter chocolate gelato (cioccolato) is an ideal match to espresso.
Now I wish I had taken a photo of it!
Afterwards I came home and chatted online while drinking wine and relaxing.
Turns out that I drank way too much and have been unwell all day today.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:04 PM
water from stones
from Chapter 14 of
Women Who Run With The Wolves,
La Selva Subterranea: Initiation of the Underground Forest"During the darkest times of the feminine unconscious, the uterine unconscious, Nature, feeds a woman's soul. Women describe that in the midst of their descent they are in the darkest dark and are touched by the brush of a wing tip and feel lightened. They feel an inner nourishing taking place, a spring of blessed water bursting forth over parched ground. . . from where they do not know. The spring does not solve suffering, but rather nourishes when nothing else is forthcoming. It is a manna in the desert. It is water from stones. It is food out of thin air. It quells the hunger so we can go on. And that is the whole point. . . to go on. To go on toward our knowing destiny"
I don't know what to say anymore. I'm still here, I'm still struggling, but still going forward.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
2:02 PM
On Privacy
I've been keeping a journal online for almost 10 years now (with a few breaks). And even I am amazed at that length of time. Writing as well as reading are strong passions of mine.
When I first began blogging, or whatever you want to call, it wasn't the fad that it is now. I actually learned how to code basic html from a friend that funnily enough is still coding his own html (heptapod) and used notepad to edit my entries. I don't really miss the work that went into that. (obligatory thanks to blogger)
I have always been quite open and honest in my online ramblings and have from time to time offended readers, some who only know me online, and some that know me in person.
For instance I once had to move out of a place because the person who owned it had a sister that had said some racist things in my presence. I felt so strongly about it that talked about it in my journal not ever knowing that the sister or the owner of the place where I lived would ever read it. And I may have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those pesky kids! (wink)
As you can imagine, I've also been on the receiving end of some offensive material from readers who took it upon themselves to pass judgment on me. I even had one guy predicting the end of my relationship, I think he even had a date!
I'm not here to complain about these things as I have taken them in stride and continue to share my thoughts with anyone who finds there way here because I find more value in doing so than in not.
On Sunday I was chatting with a girlfriend online who happens to live in the same city as me. I think we chatted for a minimum of 2 hours. Of course the two of us are like 2 peas in a pod. Not only are we the same star sign, but we once worked together and I lived with her for a while last year. We're so close that we sometimes finish each other's sentences.
So last night, I was at her place for dinner and her neighbour who she has been seeing off and on for a few months was there too. This past week they had a big blow up fight because she had spent Thurs night with me and he not knowing where she was assumed she was off with some other guy.
So I ask him how he is doing and he tells me that he has been logging into her account and had read our entire conversation from Sunday night.
I was aghast. I couldn't believe my ears.
He said, "She told you in the chat that I was upset at her because I thought she was out picking up men and that she was."
My immediate response was, "no she did not say that because she was with me!" He said, "She did so, I have it saved on my computer!"
And because if she said something like that it would have been a joke and he obviously didn't get it, I just shook my head at him. I again said, "She was not out looking for anyone or picking up anyone. She spent the night at my house."
He said, "Can this be secret squirrel, or are you going to tell her anyway?" I said, "You had better not do it again because you were reading MY personal things."
The thing with this blog is if I know you personally and you have the address, it is because I have invited you here to read. If you don't know me and you've followed a link or just stumbled on me, that's great too! I want you here. What I write here is only the things I want you to see. No matter how open or raw the message, I've chosen to share it.
But someone reading my personal conversations and emails? This is something I'm not comfortable with. It is a total invasion of my privacy.
He told me later that he had the right to read her emails because she had told him that she had nothing to hide. And that he didn't feel bad about it until I mentioned the thing about reading my personal things.
Seriously where do people like him draw the line? Where do you draw it? And really, since it is so easy to access someone else's email, what privacy do any of
us have?
A non-flickr account holder told me yesterday that they downloaded a program that enabled them to download my entire flickr stream (over 500 photos) onto their computer. Copyright doesn't stop people from taking anything we publish online, not really. But for me, the benefits of sharing my thoughts and photos far outweigh the negatives.
But I think going through someone's personal things that they have n0t decided to share with you is one of the most appalling offences. And I hope that unless they have no conscience, after doing such a thing they would experience massive guilt.
I couldn't even remember all the things I said to her in our chat. I know I was talking about the wedding I had been to on the weekend, and about random ongoing personal things. But of course things I would never say to him because they were personal and private and really I'm not his friend.
Their relationship was not going very well as it was and they have been bickering constantly from almost the first day. After dinner she asked him to leave and he said some ugly things that I won't repeat. Just before he left he yelled over the gate outside, "Thanks for that ms Ralph!"
Thanks indeed!
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:31 PM
Reality
Photos taken tonight.
I took on a personal challange to take a photo of myself as I am, in my pjs (seriously unattractive) and as full-length as I could organise on my own.
It is hard to share it with you, but I feel almost like I must.
Reality is I am an AU size 14.
I have photos (as you know) of me in my glory days of size 10. I hope to be there again one day, but I can't live in yesterday. I have to be here, today. I have to accept myself the way I am. It is okay to want to improve, to make myself healthier. It is okay to eat well, and exercise and lose weight for good reasons.
It is not okay to hate myself and hide.
"during the darkest times of the feminine unconscious, the uterine unconscious, Nature, feeds a woman's soul. Women describe that in the midst of their descent they are in the darkest dark and are touched by the brush of a wing tip and feel lightened. They feel an inner nourishing taking place, a spring of blessed water bursting forth over parched ground. . . from where they do not know. The spring does not solve suffering, but rather nourishes when nothing else is forthcoming. It is a manna in the desert. It is water from stones. It is food out of thin air. It quells the hunger so we can go on. And that is the whole point. . . to go on. To go on toward our knowing destiny"taken from Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Women Who Run With The Wolves Chapter 14,
La Selva Subterranea: Initiation of the Underground Forest
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
9:35 PM
Sadness
Fidelity (lyrics)
(shake it up)
i never loved nobody fully
always one foot on the ground
and by protecting my heart truely i got lost in the sounds
i hear in my mind all these voices
i hear in my mind all these words
i hear in my mind all this music
and it breaks my heart(x2)
and it breaks my h-h-h-h-eart(x2)
suppose i never ever met you
suppose we never fell in love
suppose i never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
suppose i never ever saw you
suppose you'd never ever called
suppose i kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
just to break my fa-a-a-a-a-a-ll (x3)
break my fall(x2)
all my friends say that ofcourse it's gonna get better
gonna get better
better (x7)
i never loved no body fully
always one foot on the ground
and by protecting my heart truely
i got lost in the sounds
i hear in my mind all these voices
i hear in my mind all these words
i hear in my mind all this music
and it breaks my heart(x2)
i hear in my mind all these voices
i hear in my mind all these words
i hear in my mind all this music
and it breaks my heart(x2)
and it breaks my h-h-h-h-eart(x3)
and it breaks my heart(x4)
--
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:56 AM
alone
What does it mean when the anger experienced today, although inspired by a new offence is actually made worse due to leftover rage from the past?
Sometimes people become confused and think that to be stuck in an outdated rage means to fuss and fume and to act out and toss and throw things. It does not mean that in most cases. It means to be tired all the time, to carry a thick layer of cynicism, to dash the hopeful, the tender, the promising. IT means to be afraid you will lose before you even open your mouth. It means to reach flashpoint inside whether you show it on the outside or not. It means bilious entrenched silences. It means feeling helpless. But there is a way out, and it is through forgiveness.The other day I was talking to Argy about how things have been going over the last year or so and she said to me, I think that you should spend some considerable time alone right now.
Alone?
By nature I am a very social person. I'd prefer to be out or with good friends than say spending a night in with just me and the TV on a Friday night. I like people, or maybe it would be more accurate to say I dislike being alone. I need companionship, and find long stretches of aloneness to be unbearable.
I'm starting to see this particular trait of mine as somewhat of a weakness and a hindrance to my spiritual growth. I busy myself with outings and social activities to avoid the inner voice, the constant nudging towards having a few conversations with myself and allowing myself to feel the pain. and work through it.
Of course being social was probably what I've needed up until this point, my full schedule was like applying a tourniquet above a very deep wound. But to leave it on for too long causes gangrene for lack of circulation.
It is time to let the wound breathe.It is quite possibly time to embrace the quiet, to listen to the inner voice, to call upon the goddess for help. It is time to love myself and be alone.
---
Quote above from Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Women Who Run With The Wolves
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:10 PM
Fat, my Definition
Fat is not a number on the scale which by subtracting another number will make you incredibly gorgeous and free from any emotional baggage at the same time. Fat is not the size of the clothes you wear.
Fat is an attitude, your attitude. Fat is what you tell yourself every single day, all the nasty things you'd never utter out loud. Fat is how you treat yourself.
Fat is the underwear required which makes it harder for you to breath but you feel necessary to make you feel just ok enough to go out in.
Fat is the constant obsession about whether or not this particular black cardigan is flattering or not because you hate your arms that much. Fat is looking in the mirror and although you may (on that particular day, week, month, year) be the weight you always dreamed to be and still seeing and feeling enormous.
I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
10:16 PM
Forgiveness Part 3
Today I am having difficulty releasing old anger. Something happened last night that opened up a wound that today is bleeding excessively. I have to apply and reapply the bandages. But I'm still bleeding all over the place. I don't want to feel so hurt anymore.
So I continue on my road in search of forgiveness, and today more so than yesterday the theme seems very appropriate.
I've been reading my favourite book because it is like my guardian angel, my god, my helper, my avenger, and my therapist all wrapped into one and it helps me so much. I affectionately call it my biblia, which is bible in Spanish. I have read some of the same passages so many times I can’t count them. Most of the quotes from the last few entries have been from it, as you are probably already aware!
There are a few misconceptions held about forgiveness.
Many people have trouble with it because they have been told that it is a singular act that must be completed in one sitting. This is not so, forgiveness has many layers and many seasons. In our culture there is a notion that it is a 100% proposition. All or nothing. It is also taught that forgiveness means to overlook an act as if it never occurred, this is not true either.
The important part of forgiveness is to begin and continue. The finishing of it all is a life's work. Clarissa Estes breaks down forgiveness into four different stages, and anyone can be at any one of these stages at anytime.
to forego: to leave it alone
to foreber: to abstain from punishing
to forget: to aver from memory, to refuse to dwell
to forgive: to abandon the debt
I am still trying to figure out what stage I'm in, I think I am stuck somewhere between stage one and stage two. I wish I could say I was at least in stage three but I know that I'm not. It would be great to be able to say that I do not dwell on any of it, but I still do.
In stage one, forgoing is the act of taking a break from thinking about the person or the event for a while. It is not leaving something, but more like taking a vacation from it. It prevents us from getting exhausted and lets us strengthen and have other kinds of happiness in our lives without the issue getting in the way.
When you are forgoing you take up a hobby, you read, you write, you create, you do things that help strengthen you and help you drop away for a little while.
I am positive I'm well into this stage and great things are happening.
I've begun reading again, as evidenced here and I've taken up writing as well, also evidenced here! And although still new to me, I took up cycling quite a few months ago.
I can't believe how much I love cycling. One of my dearest friends in the whole world let me ride one of her bikes one morning when I had spent the previous night with her and I loved it so much that I bought one straight away and have been enjoying it ever since.
I know when I go too long without riding I get very cranky and after I get on the bike again for a few hours I feel lighter, it is where I find joy, and the bonus is I've also gotten a bit fitter.
One of the funniest things is in the past 4 years I've gotten to know a few people who cycle everyday to and from work and have been really cycling in groups. Not once in that time have I thought that it would be something I would eventually take up myself, or how much I would love it. But I do.
My mother told me that she isn't surprised by it because she remembers how much I loved it as a kid. I don’t know why it took me so long to discover it again, but I'm sure glad I did.
I haven't been out a lot lately because it is very cold, and wet in this part of the world and this winter I have been plagued with 2 really severe flu/colds.
I'm hanging out for spring though, I can’t wait to get back to riding daily, which I was doing about 3 months ago.
Thing is, I didn't ride today.
Quotes above from Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Women Who Run With The Wolves
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:11 PM
Forgiveness Part 2
Ok so first of all let me say, thank you sincerely for leaving me your comments and inquiring about me I was very touched to read that you guys miss me. It is very nice.
Why wasn't it more obvious? I dont really know. But it seems now everywhere I go, and every single day I'm reminded that what I need to do now is find forgiveness. I need to forgive others but more importantly I need to forgive myself.
The problem, or stumbling block to that is that I ask myself, why can't the answer be anything but that? Why does it have to be forgiveness? I bang my head against the wall because it is the hardest route and I dont want to take it. But what I do know in my heart is that someday, sometime, forgiveness will need to come to pass before I can heal.
At the moment where am I with the whole weight issue? Well I'm at the halfway point. That is, halfway between my thinnest adult weight and my heaviest. Im becoming happier with my body again, but not completely. I'm still working on losing but fortunately most of the time it isnt the centre of my world. Although a few months ago I had to take a hard look at myself and make some vital changes to my habits.
Life in general has been very difficult, and it feels like I have been holding my breath and that I may never be able to breathe again, but I am, and it is awesome to take nice fresh air into my lungs.
There are times in a woman's life when she cries and cries and cries, and even though she has the succor and support of her loved ones, still and yet she cries. Something in this crying keeps the predator away, keeps away unhealthy desire or gain that will ruin her. Tears are a part of the mending of rips in the psyche where energy has leaked and leaked away. The matter is serious, but the worst does not occur—our light is not stolen—for tears make us unconscious. There is no chance to go back to sleep when one is weeping. Whatever sleep comes then is only rest for the physical body.
There have been millions of tears shed. And I still cry a lot.
There is something about the purity of tears that causes the Devil's (offending) power to be broken. And we find this to be true when we cry out for the love of God that nothing, nothing, is on the horizon but the bleakest. The most dark and unredeemed possibilities, and yet the tears save us from being burnt to the ground for no useful end.
Tears can be looked at by some as a sign of weakness, but I have to disagree. Not because I don't feel weak at times, but because tears are necessary in this process and are used for protection.
To be a flowering tree and be moist is essential, otherwise you will break. Crying is good, it is right. It does not cure the dilemma, but it enables the process to continue instead of collapsing.
I've felt hatred and burning anger along with shame and guilt. I've felt terrible inside myself with regard to the degrading of my self-worth from my own doing and the subsequent demoralizing of my spirit.
Right at this moment I can say that I believe it will get better, and that I am on my way to getting better. Some days I've thought I'd prefer death than feel like this, or feel anything at all, but I know that life is valuable whether being experienced through tears, or though laughter.
Quotes above from Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Women Who Run With The Wolves
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
8:30 PM
Forgiveness Part 1
Where do I begin? I suppose at the beginning.
Why did I leave? What have I been doing? How goes the weight-loss? I am sure these are all questions you have if you followed any of the ramblings here. I will do my best to answer those, not just for your benefit, but for mine.
I have some days that are better than others, but mostly I feel like I am walking through a fog but it feels like cotton-balls. And everything hurts. Everything makes me cry. I can't understand why some days I'm so sad and full of anger on others. I can't understand why it
still hurts so much.
Last week on the way home I decided to take the bus seat closest to the aisle because I only have a short ride and because it gets crowded I didn't want to be trapped when it came to my stop. I like a quick departure.
While still a few stops away from my home a man approached my seat and spoke to me asking if he could sit with me, I didn't exactly hear him because I had my ipod on, but I knew what he wanted. I moved aside for him to sit by the window and he said, thank you while I continued to stare at my lap and listen to my music.
I noticed that he was reading something and scribbling notes on it so I glanced over to have a peek at what he was reading. I saw it was some kind of workbook, the kind that has questions at the end to help you remember the lessons in the previous chapter and he was making extra notes in the margins even though he had answered all the questions. I was intrigued immediately.
At the top of the page in bold type, centered, was the title of the Chapter, "Forgiveness."
It seems that someone was trying to tell me something.
I once thought that I needed hatred in order to get over it, but I've come to realize that it is not hatred that I need, but what I do need is
forgiveness.
Stay tuned for Part 2
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
7:39 PM
new look
Wow. It feels like I bought a new outfit. Couldn't wait to wear it for you guys, but I've also disabled comments somehow and need to go add the right html to put them back. At the moment I don't have time as I'm going to a friend's house.
Happy Sunday.
I bet you're still dying for the big entry! It is coming soon.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
11:11 AM
frustrating
The whole blog is going to get a new look but I'm still getting everything up and running on this new computer of mine. I've begun writing the big entry. It will be here soon I promise.
I've missed you guys.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
12:17 PM
back from the dead
I am back!
Yes I know it has been a while, and trust me when I say it has been a bumpy road getting back here.
If you are still there leave me a comment. This is not the big entry, it is to come! This is the, "Hell yeah she is alive!" one.
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
6:05 PM
Hi. This blog used to be all about weight loss, but now it is more.
Hey ... just checking in.
I've been thinking about this entry for a little while, and decided to finally post something:
I often wondered the same thing about you. I tried for a couple of years to write you via email ect and never got any response from you. Same with Christmas cards and the like.
Now you've come back and I've tried to engage you in conversations random places and you've still not answered.
So maybe you could answer the question you asked for yourself.
I still love you, but I am curious sometimes.
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