from Chapter 14, of Women Who Run With The Wolves, La Selva Subterranea: Initiation of the Underground Forest

"during the darkest times of the feminine unconscious, the uterine unconscious, Nature, feeds a woman's soul. Women describe that in the midst of their descent they are in the darkest dark and are touched by the brush of a wing tip and feel lightened. They feel an inner nourishing taking place, a spring of blessed water bursting forth over parched ground. . . from where they do not know. The spring does not solve suffering, but rather nourishes when nothing else is forthcoming. It is a manna in the desert. It is water from stones. It is food out of thin air. It quells the hunger so we can go on. And that is the whole point. . . to go on. To go on toward our knowing destiny"

I know I've posted this before. But I feel it is vital to use again.

I woke up at 3am unable to go back to sleep.

The thing is, I've got so many decisions to make about my future. I'm at a real cross in the road so to speak.

I don't really know where to go, or what is best. I'm really trying to find wisdom to tell me the right way.

I'm not a perfect person. I've made a lot of mistakes. But sometimes mistakes are meant to be forgiven. The thing is, there is no one that is perfect out there. We all have warts, just a different variety.

I just want forgiveness. I want to be free of guilt and free of the carnage. I don't know if this person can do that.


Quote above from Clarissa Pinkola Estes, an amazing woman and author.

Let me introduce you to our first candidate for Queen B's room:

Miss S

First thing I ask is if she will be at work during the day, what does she do? etc. She says she is a student and has a job but she only works one day a week on Thursdays.

I think to myself: How does one live on that kind of income? I want to sign up! Damnit to hell I'm not Australian. Your government f-cking loves you.

Then she actually turns it around on me and asks me what I do! hehe. When I told her I leave almost every morning at 6am her jaw dropped to the ground. She said, "ohmygod!"

So then I ask her, "Do you have any references?"

Miss S nervously says, "Um no you see I haven't been on any leases because I lived in the UK for two years and when I came back home (I assume here) I didn't like it here so I moved to Sydney, but I'm back here now but staying with my sister.(stammering) I mean I could ask her flatmate (some guy's name) to give me a reference but I BETTER ask him first before I give you his number... I can't use my sister..." (yeah better ask him! haha)

I say, "Oh ok, I would like to speak to someone who can tell me if you pay your bills on time." (which was pointless because she obviously hasn't been paying any..)

Then after she went upstairs with Queen B (she is so loud I could hear her) to see his room Han and I discussed her. I obviously didn't like her. Her voice grated on my nerves too. But she was pretty in a great body, boring face kind of way. Han liked her body I could tell! And she plays soccer.

So we talk about the other bills, the utilities. I ask her if she thinks she can afford it. She didnt really answer. Just kept saying oh ok, so like $100 every 3 months for both combined?

I asked her how much stuff she has. She said she lives out of her car basically. So she brings nothing to the table! No tv! ?? Not even charisma!

I ask if there is anything she wants to ask us.

She says, "oh yeah so since you have the internet, you do have a home PHONE right, because my boyfriend lives in the UK and I need to be able to receive calls."

And with that, she was done.

But as she left she said, "When do you think you will know?" um desperate?

I am so not going to live with someone who is a 2 week flight risk to Sydney or the UK or to wherever, whomever takes her fancy. And I'm not about to get a huge phone bill and have her leave me with it.

Bring on the FRENCH GIRL!!!!!

who I will hopefully meet tonight.

I just remembered something, when L interviewed me for my room she told me it was mine on the spot. heh.

I dont know what to say, So I am going to share this song. I saw the music video this morning and my heart almost broke listening to the words.



Born to Try, By Delta Goodrim

Doin everything that I believe in
Goin by the rules that I've been taught
More understanding of what's around me
And protected from the walls of love


And all that you see is me
And all I truly believe


That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've gotta sacrifice the things you like


But I was born to try


No point in talking what you should have been
And regretting all the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds and look at the bigger picture


And all that you see is me
And all I truly believe


That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've gotta make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've gotta sacrifice the things you like


But I was born to try


And all that you see is me
And I truly believe
And all that you see is me
And all I truly believe


That I was born to try


I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've gotta make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've gotta sacrifice the things you like


But I was born to try


Now you have
But you've gotta make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've gotta sacrifice the things you like


But I was born to try