There's a moment, there's always a moment, 'I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it, and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one."

I've been thinking a lot today about the choices I've made; it hasn't been a pleasant day at all.
So yeah here I am writing again about how miserable I am. There seems to be a common theme going on around here. I write when I'm miserable and sometimes writing makes me miserable. It's a big catch 22 full circle bullshit situation.
I want to write a novel and I want to use the things that have happened to me in my life as material... at the moment I'm recuperating from an accident and I've got a lot of time on my hands so today I started to write and in the process sent myself into a depression. I had to get out of here and it was ugly outside. It was just grey enough and rainy enough and cold enough to make it shitty, but not bad enough to make me stay inside.
I bought this long jumper (for you English and Aussies) or cardigan from a store I like to shop from online and the 2nd time I wore it the first 2 buttons fell off. I was angry about it and was just going to return the thing for a refund but then of course I got hit by a car and was laid up for a few weeks so after coming home I decided I may as well just take it to have the buttons sewn back on and keep the damn thing. No, I cannot sew, not even buttons. And I decided that I needed to take it today because I had spent all day in my room and I was going mad. I walked to the place I like to go to for alterations and upon trying to open the door without even looking discovered that the door was locked and read a note on it saying the shop was temporarily closed. I thought to myself how perfect that was. Of course it wouldn't be open, that would be convenient. So I had to cross the street and go the the other dry cleaner's that is more expensive and because it is an awkward place to cross the street had to stand there and wait while the next bus into town passed me by. There was a trend. I wanted to just forget it all and go back home, but I didn't.
What I couldn't seem to get away from today is the thoughts in my head.
The last few years have been really shitty for me. I spent a lot of time being depressed and I didn't have a computer so I didn't blog about any of it, but something tells me that even if I did have one I still wouldn't have written. I didn't really want to think about the things that were bothering me and that is what writing makes me do. It makes me THINK. Instead I wanted to drown my sorrows and I did a lot of drinking in that time. But guess what? I've stopped drinking and the problems, the mental anguish? Check. Still there.
Now that the cobwebs are clearing and I'm not using alcohol to kill the voices in my head I can hear them again and I don't like it.
I went to the goodwill shop hoping I might find a nice vintage coat there that would replace the one that had to be cut off of me on the 20th of June in the emergency room but I couldn't possibly be that lucky. Not today. That venture didn't take up much time because the shop closes at 5 and so I then took myself to a coffee shop and had a caramelatte. That's the way they spell it. It was yummy but I realised that I hadn't eaten since 10am when I had cereal so I went to the burrito shop next door to the cafe that's called Burp. I think the name is hilarious. Anyway, after my food I was still restless so I went to another coffee shop and had a peppermint tea. All the while doing this I was in pain.
Big fucking deal right? I mean we're all in pain of some kind. Why do I think you give a fuck about what I feel?
Yes I am in pain and boo hoo, so what a car hit me?! I'm sure there are millions of people right now in a lot worse strife than me. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that, it still fucking hurts, the pain is still there.
My left hand is feeling a slight numbness as well and this is causing me worry. I've had a previous disc prolapse in my neck and I know what numbness in the hands is about. I only hope that whatever nerve is being tweaked inside my neck works itself out. I would rather kill myself than go through the agony of nerve pain again. Seriously. I'd jump off a building first.
And now I feel like I am rambling and you know what? I don't care.
I did some really stupid things that I'm ashamed of and during that time I was drunk a lot. I drank because it was fun for a long time and I drank because it made me feel good, it made me alive. But somewhere along the way I started drinking because I was miserable. I've thought about this today too, but maybe just maybe it was the drinking that made me miserable.
Some of the life altering decisions I've made were made when I was drunk or at least during a period of time that I was drinking on a daily basis. How can one function properly or grow emotionally when you don't allow yourself to FEEL emotions. Drunkenness took away my ability to feel, and my ability to grow.
Feeling and growing hurts and I'm hurting a lot right now. I'm sad about a lot of the things and angry somewhat too.
That line from Closer has always stood out in my mind as unbelievably true. There is always a moment. I remember mine and wish I could take it back. But now all I'm left with is learning and growing and moving on.
What else can I do?

I'm not in a good way at the moment. I'm struggling with a lot of things but the biggest one is pain and the thing is I have no option except to deal with it. I have no choice. Yes, that's right, no fucking choice. I have no magic cure or pill to take. In fact the crap they have me on I may as well not even bother with because it does absolutely nothing for me.
I'd like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who have managed to abuse prescription painkillers because you are the reason I am unable to have some relief right now, Thank you very fucking much. I hope you enjoyed yourselves, seriously. The thought of you numbing your inner pain gives me a real thrill.
"You can't have anti-inflammatory drugs," they tell me, "because of the bleeding you had on your brain; You also have to stop taking this one drug we've given you because it is highly addictive and after a while your body finds a way to bypass it's pain masking ability requiring you to need more of it to have the same relief that it once gave you." So basically what you’re telling me is I'm shit out of luck. Thankyouveryfuckingmuch.
All I want is relief from the constant agony and my mind goes around in circles.
I once would have gone straight to the bottle shop and bought any kind of alcohol, probably vodka. I wouldn't really care that drinking alcohol also would be a very bad idea at the moment due to the brain injury. What it would do is provide some momentary relief. It would be like pulling down a shade on the inner torment. But I know that that is not the answer. To give into an alcoholic escape would not help me with this. There is a part of me that still believes the crap. The diseased part of me lies to me and says that it will make everything better. I know it for what it is though and because of that today I will not drink.
Just as I wrote the previous sentence my phone rang and it was my sister. One of the only good things that has come of this accident is it has remarkably healed my relationship with her. She was in a very serious car accident when we were still teenagers and had a massive head injury, as well as a broken neck and beat up body. She is the only person in my life that can say she understands me right now and mean it. And the symptoms I've had with relation to the brain injury part have helped me to finally understand her. It has taken a long time, but I love her again. I was all choked up on the pain and the emotion I was feeling while writing the beginning of this entry and after an hour of talking to her I felt better. I felt more calm. And for that I can say I'm grateful.
I will make it though today, I will make it through this. No, it isn't easy but I am a fighter. She said, "Don't forget what a tough woman you are."
And I thank her for the reminder.

Well it has now been 4 weeks since the accident. And I've come a long way baby. I am back at my own place, finally being able to take care of myself and walk up and down my stairs.
When Ashley dropped me off on Tuesday I didn't want to let him go. I cried because I've been very well taken care of by him and it was a joy to be able to see him every day. But of course it didn't take long for me to feel comforted by being in my own room, surrounded by my own things.
There's something very positive as well about being able to take care of myself even though I am far from being 100% recovered.
This week I've crossed the street twice where I was hit. I did it because I decided that the only way to tackle this thing is to be a fighter. I can't let fear get the best of me. I have to go on, life goes on. I don't really have much choice about that and the sooner I decide to get on with things in a positive way, the sooner I'll be okay again.
There's been absolutely nothing easy about any of this. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I may have a slight disability resulting from the trauma to my head. That seriously isn't easy to think about, but at the same time, knowledge is power. If I am going to beat this I have to live a life of acceptance, of humility, and of courage. Everyday will have its own challenges. At the moment I'm worried about the inevitable return to work. This of course is in the hands of a doctor who is new to me, only having met her in the wake of this nightmare. She doesn't know me very well and on Monday I find out what she will recommend.
Will she decide that I should go back to work or will she allow me more time off? I don't know and it scares me.
If she says I have to go back to work I will have to do it. It will be something I will also have to tackle with courage, much the same as facing my fears and walking across that street and staring down defeat.
I am fighter. I will beat this.